


Closeted

by intomyfantasy



Category: SHINee
Genre: Alternate Universe, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Light BDSM, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-10
Updated: 2017-08-16
Packaged: 2018-03-07 00:00:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 66,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3153212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intomyfantasy/pseuds/intomyfantasy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lee Jinki, twenty six-year old university student, is having a really hard time coping with an high schooler with incredibly intense eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the fytopkey challenge - “age gap with older!Jinki and top!Kibum”. Beta-reader: squireconrad.tumblr.com

The  _Miya's Got The Balls_ Diner was busy that night and Jinki still wondered why he was there in the first place. Sure the meat balls and the cream pasta were awesome, he thought while putting a fork full of food in his mouth and beginning to chew, but he hated crowded, noisy places, and  _Miya's Got The Balls_ happened to be the noisiest place in all Itaewon. Jinki believed it had to be  _that_ high school student fault.

 

A laud and obnoxious laugh filled the whole diner and Jinki glared towards the sound, where a group of students in uniforms seemed to be celebrating the end of exam time. One of them, the one who was laughing, was trying hard not to fall off of his chair while hanging on the shoulder of the tall and huge eyed boy who sat next to him. The weird and good looking student didn't seem to mind the other practically destroying his uniform jacket, but looked extremely amused instead, definitely used to his friend behavior. Jinki wouldn't have been surprised to see him pushing his obnoxious classmate off of the chair just to make fun of him. They seemed that close. Or so Jinki had concluded after seeing them interact day after day.

 

It wasn't like he was stalking them or anything, he just happened to live in a _one room_ nearby and to not have the patience to cook for himself at night. He often ended up at Miya's (or in the little diners around it) to fill his stomach before going back to his studying, and the group of high schoolers just seemed to live there. Not all of them, actually, but the noisy kid definitely seemed to. Jinki had discovered during one night there that the boy was actually a friend (or a relative?) of the owner, a woman double his age with tan skin and eccentric manners, if the name of her restaurant didn't give that away in the first place.

 

After that he had started gathering information about the kid without intending to.

 

He had heard him speak and Jinki was sure he had to be from Daegu. His accent was basically nonexistent when he spoke normally, but it came out when he was excited or amused or flustered. It was kind of cute and terribly funny. Jinki kinda hated it.

 

Jinki also knew that the boy's name was Kibum. Kim Kibum. And that he was eighteen. A kid, really, considering that he was twenty six.

 

Another thing Jinki knew was that the kid was into other boys, and that had yet to be his biggest discovery.

 

 

 

 _Jinki exited the restaurant from the back door next to the toilet with a cigarette between his lips and one hand already searching for the lighter in the pocket of his jacket. He was trying to quit, but the stress from college always convinced him that he could give in a last cigarette or two._ Maybe I should invest in an electric one _, he thought absently._

 

_He lighted the stick with a hand covering the flame to protect it from the cold wind of December, turned a corner, and took a long drag with his eyes closed, resting against the wall._

 

“ _Minho, give me a break, will you?”_

 

_Jinki opened his eyes at the sound of the familiar voice, and looked towards an alley just a little further away. He could just make out two figures standing in front of each other in the dark. He hadn't noticed them before, they had probably been speaking with hushed voices, but now the discussion seemed more heated._

 

_He couldn't see well, but knew instinctively that they had to be the two students he always saw at the diner. For no other reasons than curiosity he kept listening. The kids probably hadn't noticed him yet, and he was only smoking anyway._

 

“ _You know I don't like that boy, Kibum,” answered the tallest. Jinki took a second to realize that it had been the boy and not the ground speaking. That had to be the lowest voice he had ever heard. “He's bad news and he's a player, we all know that!”_

 

“ _You're not the one who should be liking him, Minho. I'm the one who's going out with him! Also, you can't speak bad of Jonghyun-hyung just because there are a lot of rumors going around about him”._

 

“ _I'm worried about you!”_

 

“ _You're not my father!”_

 

“ _I'm your best friend!”_

 

“ _So treat me like one! You speak to me like you would speak with your daughter who's going to lose her virginity. I'm a boy, he's a boy, we kiss and we fuck, get over it.”_

 

“ _ **Kibum.”**_

 

“ _What.”_

 

_Minho took a moment, covering his face with his hands before sighing. “Damn you, can you be more discrete... or something?”_

 

_Jinki knew the boy was flustered and that his cheeks were probably flushed, without needing to see it._

 

_That actually lightened the atmosphere up and the shortest boy snorted, a smile on his lips. “I'm not gonna sugar-coat anything or it won't get through your thick overprotective head.”_

 

“ _I'm not overprotective,” Minho pouted._

 

“ _If it makes you feel any better, I'm not the one taking it up the ass?”_

 

“ _Damn, **Kim Kibum.** ”_

 

_Before Jinki could hear anything else someone left the restaurant and the noises from inside covered the two students voices._

 

_He noticed that he hadn't been smoking his cigarette at all and that it had burned almost up until the filter already, so he just threw it on the floor and trampled on it, conscious of the fact that he had been eavesdropping something he definitely didn't have the right to hear._

 

_He suddenly felt observed, like he had been caught, and the feeling made goosebumps rise on his skin. The tips of his ears also felt hot._

 

_Even inside he couldn't shake the feeling off of him._

 

 

 

After that Jinki had been unable to stop thinking about the whole exchange and every time he happened to stumble upon that Kibum kid he felt his stomach constrict and his skin tickle. It was a terrible nervous feeling that made him crave a whole packet of cigarettes, but he was never able to bring himself to leave the room and exit to actually smoke them.

 

Despite being way younger than him, Kibum was at least 5 centimeters taller than he was, and his shoulders were broad even if the boy was very skinny overall (not as skinny as the Minho kid, though). He had incredibly high check bones and a sharp jawline. His nose and lips were all curvy and soft lines, while his eyes reminded Jinki of cat eyes. Magnetic and intense. Intimidating. Or so Jinki had thought at first sight. Now he realized that Kibum wasn't really much of an intimidating person but more of a very self aware one. Someone who knows exactly who they are and what they want. The intimidating part was probably just because Jinki couldn't say the same of himself.

 

Kibum was attractive. In that non conventional but still undeniable way. He didn't have double eyelids or an aristocratic nose, his face wasn't as small as a fist and he wasn't tall enough for the Korean beauty standard, but there was something about him, something that went beyond how he looked, that made Jinki stare. Maybe it was the fairness of his skin, or the fall of his black fringe over his strong eyebrows or maybe how his big hands moved when he spoke. Maybe it was his smirk when he teased people or his straightforwardness.

 

Jinki shook his head in frustration and squeezed his eyes tight. _Get a grip of yourself._

 

He didn't understand what happened to him when he came to Miya's, but the feeling of being observed was always there, and made his whole body feel strange. He should have been scared of the feeling, but he actually found himself craving it, waiting for it.

 

This time was no different. He could feel eyes on him. Even if he could never catch the person watching, he knew instinctively who was staring at him. Who else could have been?

 

He made an effort to go on eating and keep himself concentrated on staring at the surface of his table. He wasn't going to look up, he was going to stop coming to Miya's. He was going to get the kid out of his mind. He was–

 

“You look constipated, old man.”

 

Jinki jumped on the spot and raised his head with his eyes open wide.

 

Sat across him, Kibum was looking at him curiously with his head tilted to the side. The man could read ' _annyeong_ ' spell on the kid's lips, before his stomach could twist and knot.

 

“H-hi, there...?” he tried, clumsily.

 

Kibum smiled and Jinki had the sudden urge to disappear. His hands were already sweating.

 

“What's your name?” The kid spoke without honorifics, making it all the more difficult for the elder, who stared at him for a second, unable to decide if he should answer in the same tone or speak to him politely, like how you should with strangers.

 

“Lee Jinki,” he answered, then, adding a - _yo_ he regretted as soon as it was out of his mouth. Kibum smirked.

 

“Nice to meet you, I'm Kibum.”

 

_I know._

 

“I've noticed you staring at me, so I thought I should come over and greet you,” the kid continued, shrugging. “I thought you would do it yourself, sooner or later, but I can see now that you're the shy type.”

 

Jinki turned all the shades of red and hoped that the ground would open up and swallow him whole.

 

“I-I wasn't really... it's not–”

 

“Ah, no worries,” Kibum interrupted him. “You go from glaring at me to smiling and sometimes you shake your head like you did just a moment ago with that embarrassed and shameful look on your face... It's kinda cute.”

 

_He knows, he knows, he knows. Oh my God, he knows everything._

 

Jinki's fists closed up and he suddenly felt dizzy. He felt fear crawl on his skin and his jaw clenched.

 

“I don't know what you're talking about.” His voice came out before he could stop it. Cold and hard. “I only thought you were annoying. You have to be the noisiest and rudest kid I've ever met.”

 

Kibum's expression hardened and Jinki wished he could stop, prayed he could, but he didn't.

 

“I'm evidently way older than you are but you're not using honorifics at all. You also are obnoxiously loud and force people around you to hear what you're talking about with your friends. Your sexuality included.”

 

For a second Jinki could see hurt flash in Kibum's eyes, but it was gone in an instant and soon replaced with a blank stare.

 

“I see. You're one of those.”

 

“ _Those?_ ”

 

The kid left the question float in the tense air between them before getting up and look down at the older man one last time. Jinki could only stare back, feeling unprotected and cold.

 

“I apologize for interrupting your dinner, Jinki-sshi. I'll be going, then.” Kibum bowed deeply and, just like that, went back to the table were his friends were still chatting.

 

Jinki was out of the restaurant before any of them could take a peek in his direction.

 

 

•••

 

 

Jinki couldn't concentrate. He had been on an edge all week, leaving home only to attend his lesson at the university and counting on instant Ramyeon to sustain him. He had tried to cook at some point, but had ended up gaining three blisters and a burn on his right thumb – his hands were still shaking. He couldn't even write properly.

 

He kept hearing his own voice attacking Kibum and seeing the kid bow deeply before turning away. He even dreamed about it. It was getting out of hand. The guilt was eating him from the inside and he didn't know how to stop it. He wanted to apologize, he wanted to explain himself, but he was afraid. He was afraid of Kibum's eyes. He was afraid of them because when their eyes had met he had felt naked. Exposed. As if the kid could see right through him, as if he could take out his deepest secrets and put them in the open, where anybody could laugh and stare - disgust written all over their faces.

 

Jinki squirmed on his chair, in front of his desk full of messy notes and highlighted textbooks, which lay next to a computer on stand by; he couldn't forget those eyes.

 

They had been sweet. Curious. Warm. He knew it, his body knew it, his skin still tingled at the thought, but he couldn't. He wouldn't. He promised.

 

Jinki pressed his forehead hard against the surface of the table, unable to watch his tears reflected in the black surface of his computer screen.

 

 

•••

 

 

 

The day had started all wrong. Snow completely covered the streets of the whole capital already, but it didn't seem like it was going to stop anytime soon. Jinki had taken the usual bus to school, cursing at himself as soon as it ended up stuck in the traffic – he obviously should have taken the subway. He usually avoided it because at that time in the morning it was always packed with people, but it would have been better than being that late. He had rushed from the bus stop to his faculty building and had slipped three times in a row, ending up with a few bruises and a sore ass.

 

His friend, Sun Young, wasn't even around to have lunch with him that day and listen to him complain. She had messaged him saying she wasn't feeling well and she was staying at home, so that was how Jinki ended up sitting all alone in a corner of the university cafeteria, picking at his Bibimbap lazily while reading through his law textbook – he really hadn't been able to follow the lesson at all after missing the first part of it. Not that it was going any better now. The cafeteria was way too noisy to concentrate and his mood was too bad for him to understand what he was reading. Somewhere in his troubled mind he was just probably hoping he could distract himself with difficult and redundant words, but who was he kidding? All the people talking around him were reminding him of him of eating at Miya's and Miya's reminded him of Kibum – he wondered if he had come here on purpose. He had to be a masochist.

 

He had started feeling restless and nervous while waiting for the bus to reach its destination that morning, and since then he hadn't been able to shake the feeling off. He kept feeling observed. It was like Kibum's stare could follow him anywhere he went, even if he knew it was all in his head.

 

He could even swear he had heard someone go 'Kibum-hyung' at some point. He always tried not to react, considering how many times he had heard the name on the streets and how common it was, but every time his stomach fell a little and after that getting himself to calm down was a slow and incredibly frustrating process.

 

He didn't even know why he was so obsessed with the kid. If he thought about it he could only list things that annoyed him about the boy. What he had said to Kibum back at Miya's wasn't completely a lie, so why did he feel so bad about it?

 

“ _Goddamnit._ ”

 

Jinki picked his textbook up and shoved it in his bag harshly, feeling people's eyes shift towards him. He left his bowl of food still more than half full and his Kimchi untouched, before leaving, barely stopping himself from slamming the door on his way out.

 

He walked down towards the entrance gate as fast as he could, planning on hiding under his blankets as soon as possible since it was clear that he wasn't going to get anything good done today in his current state. But after barely ten meters his right foot slipped on the frozen ground and he found himself on his ass. _Again_.

 

“You've gotta be _fucking_ kidding me!” The yell that came out of his throat was so full of frustration that his voice actually cracked. Jinki could see out of the corner of his eye the a group of girls who had tried to come to his help take a step back, unsure if they should do anything at all, and he almost felt like barking at them.

 

His shoulder bag had opened when he had fell (he probably hadn't closed it properly before exiting the cafeteria in the first place) and his textbooks were all spread on the ground together with his pencil case and cellphone.

 

He got on his knees, feeling on the verge of having a angrer fit, before starting to pick up his belongings, with his head turned down and his hair covering his expression. The textbooks, the pencil case, the... cellphone? _Not here. Wher-_

 

“Here.”

 

Jinki's eyes snapped up, meeting the ones he had been trying so hard to forget. The kid was crouched down, chewing on his lower lip and trembling slightly . He had Jinki's phone in one hand.

 

The older boy snatched it without _thank you_ s and got up glaring at the other. Kibum's mouth just stretched wider at that - it was evident that the kiddo was having an hard time stopping himself from laughing at him and that only made Jinki glare harder.

 

“You fell a whole lot today, old man,” Kibum said, still chewing on his lip with a smile, and looking up at Jinki. He was still speaking without honorifics.

 

“Why are you here?” Jinki answered in the same tone this time.

 

“Oh, just visiting the university with my class. This is the first choice university for us, you know. I was on the same bus you were on this morning... you didn't notice me though.” Kibum got up just when he seemed to have calmed down enough to stop himself from laughing. “You okay? Your ass is probably sore by now,” he smiled again and Jinki felt like punching him square in the face.

 

“I'm having an hard time judging if you're trying to make a fool out of me or you're being polite in your own fucked up way.”

 

“You were kind of ridiculous just now, but it also must have been pretty painful, so both?”

 

 _And I wanted to apologize to this asshole._ “Good, then if you're done, I'm going to leave.” _No need to feel bad about it anymore_. Jinki turned around to walk away but before he could leave his feet completely stopped in their track.

 

“Hyung, wait.”

 

Jinki turned back to the student, incredulous. “ _Hyung?_ Since when are we close enough for you to be calling me _that_? When did you _ask_ me?”

 

“I didn't know how else to call you to make you stop.” Kibum answered. His expression seemed genuine and sincere now. The amusement was gone from his young features. For a second, Jinki felt like he had at Miya's, when hurt had flashed in the kid's eyes.

 

“What else do you want?” He asked then. His voice came out way softer and than he had intended to.

 

“Let's be friends, hyung.”

 

“ _What._ ”

 

“You don't want me to call you hyung because we are not close enough for that, so let's get closer. Let's be friends.”

 

“Why in the world would I do that?” _Why would you want to?_

 

Kibum took his iPhone out of his jacket pocket, messed with it for a few seconds, before showing the display to Jinki. He was calling a number. The older man had barely enough time to recognize his own mobile number before his phone started ringing in his hand.

 

“That's my number. I took the liberty to call myself when you dropped your phone,” he explained. “Text me when you feel like it.”

 

“I told you, why would I do th–“

 

“ _Kibum hyung!_ ” A skinny kid with a cute bowl cut was waving from the cafeteria entrance. “We are going to the souvenir shop, you coming?” he yelled.

 

“Coming, Taem-ah!” yelled Kibum back. Then, he turned towards Jinki again. “I have to go. Remember to text me, old man.” His stare intensified. “Don't make me wait too much.”

 

Before Jinki could open his mouth to protest, Kibum was already gone, his voice echoing in the man's head almost like a threat. Or an order.

 

 

 

•••

 

 

 

Two days more passed and Jinki couldn't even count how many times he had been _that_ close to writing the damn text message.

 

He didn't know what was happening to him, he kept feeling uncomfortable and nervous and his cell phone seemed heavy in any pocket he put it in. It was becoming a nuisance really, and Sun Young had already begun to nag him about it. He had tried explaining what had happened to her, tried to tell her about Kibum, but he was too embarrassed to admit that he had been a jerk towards a boy eight years younger than him. And that he _still_ hadn't apologized for that. Sure Kibum didn't seem to mind too much, if their second encounter was any indication, and the kiddo wasn't exactly Mr. Politeness himself, but he believed himself to be more mature than that. Or he should be, at least.

 

Sun Young always went on about how he was “husband material” he was and he was afraid to make her think otherwise. How would he even explain all his reactions, his fixation on the high schooler? No way he was going to say a word about it.

 

It was getting harder and harder to hide his fidgeting, though, and Jinki had reached his limit. What harm could a message do anyway? He would apologize to the kid, tell him that he wasn't interested in a friendship between them, because their age gap was too much or something and he would get over it.

 

_I can do it._

 

Jinki sat cross-legged on the bed and took his phone from the nightstand, starting to compose a message. He composed it three or four times, ending up completely erasing it every time after he read it over again. It never sounded right. It was either too impersonal or too emotional. Too long or too short. He couldn't find a balance and guessed that it reflected his state of mind. His stomach was knotted. Again. And his heart seemed to be jumping around in his chest like a rabbit. He couldn't get himself to calm down and it was making him go insane.

 

Out of frustration, he decided to at least start a conversation with Kibum and then he would apologize. Getting past the first message could help.

 

He wrote down a dumb sounding ' _annyeong_ ' and sent the message without looking at it twice and then he waited.

 

Jinki waited one minute, five, fifteen, half an hour, for the display of his phone to light up and tell him he had a new message. But it didn't come. When almost an hour had passed he felt so betrayed he had to grab the sheets of his bed tightly in his fists to prevent himself from smashing his phone against a wall.

 

_What the hell is wrong with me. He's busy. It doesn't mean he was lying to me. It doesn't mean he was making fun of me. He'll answer. He's just busy._

 

Was he really busy though? At 9 pm? Maybe he was studying. Maybe he was already asleep?

 

_Or maybe he's having sex with Jonghyun, right now._

 

The thought startled him so much that his heart skipped a beat and he had to shake his head and close his eyes tight to stop the sequence of images from appearing on his mind. Why was his head going there? Even if that was the case why was it bothering him so much? It was none of his business. Kibum was eighteen, he probably had sex continuously, it wasn't anything strange. Did he feel so strange because he knew Kibum had sex with a boy? Was that it?

 

He didn't have time to answer himself, because his cell phone suddenly started ringing, bringing him back to reality.

 

Jinki stared at Kibum's number flash on the display and freaked out.

 

Why a call? Why wasn't he texting him back?

 

He seemed to freak out for too long, because the phone stopped ringing and the display showed a missed call. Jinki hissed and reached out for the device, set on sending another message to complain to Kibum, but the phone rang again and he picked the call up on reflex.

 

“ _Yobuseyo_?”

 

“You sent the message.” Kibum's voice was calm and deep. Jinki could feel the little smug smile in it and tightened the grip on his phone.

 

“I did,” he answered. His voice was barely concealing his impatience. He felt like snapping at the kid again. It seemed to be the only thing he could do around Kibum.

 

Silence fell between them and Jinki could hear his breaths getting shorter. He was so frustrated, he wanted, he wanted... He didn't know what he wanted but he knew he couldn't stand Kibum breathing right in his ear without saying anything. He kept feeling the other smiling and it was unbearable.

 

“You've been a good boy, hyung.”

 

Kibum's voice hit him hard and his head spun for a second. The anger, the worry, everything unpleasant he had been feeling up until that moment suddenly disappeared and Jinki could finally breathe normally and feel at peace for the first time after longer than a week.

 

Silence fell again, but this time Jinki simply waited, letting the the other breathing rhythm synchronize with his.

 

“Feeling better?”

 

Jinki nodded, before realizing that Kibum couldn't see him. “Yes,” he murmured. He wanted to ask what he had done to him, how did he know, but the words wouldn't come out of his mouth.

 

There was another pause, then the younger boy started a conversation that seemed completely out of place. “Have you ever been in a relationship, hyung?”

 

Jinki didn't answer immediately, taken aback. “Why–“

 

“Just answer.”

 

He bit on his lower lip, confused but unable to deny the other when he ordered him around. “I have,” he said then, speaking way softer then he was intending to, matching Kibum's tone.

 

For some reasons, the conversation sounded... intimate. There was something about the topic maybe, or the way they were speaking about it, that put much more meaning in their words than they actually had.

 

“With what type of people?”

 

 _Why are you asking?_ wondered Jinki again, but didn't try to voice his confusion anymore. “Older women... mostly.”

 

“Why older women?”

 

“I-I don't know...? Should there be a reason...? It just happened”.

 

“Did you have sex with them, hyung?”

 

Jinki couldn't help the pause. He contemplated telling the other that it wasn't any of his business. The expectant silence at the other end of the line made him hesitate, though, and he ended up telling himself that he was actually a bit curious to know where Kibum was going with all the questions. So he opted for telling the truth: “I have.”

 

“And have you ever liked it?”

 

Jinki froze. His grip on his hand phone tightened. “Why would anyone have sex if they didn't like it?”

 

“You aren't answering, hyung.”

 

“You never answer my questions, so I wonder why I should answer yours.”

 

“Is there something you want to know about me?”

 

“There is.” He paused. “You said I was staring at you at Miya's, but it was you first. You're the one who's constantly staring at me, that's why I started looking back at you – to catch you doing it.”

  
“This isn't a question. Unless you're expecting me to tell you if you're right or not.”

 

“I am.”

 

“Then yes, it's true.”

 

“Why?” _Why me?_

 

“I like you.”

 

“What.”

 

“I've already told you, hyung, haven't I? That you're cute.”

 

“Cute,” he repeated, incredulous.

 

“Yes.”

 

“I'm eight years older than you are, Kibum. Cute? _Really?_ So what you're trying to say is that friends isn't exactly what you want us to be, isn't it? You lied.”

 

“Technically, I haven't. I never said 'friends' is everything we have to be.”

 

Jinki was going to get an headache really soon.

 

“You must have known my intentions anyway. You know my sexual preferences already.”

 

“I was trying to forget that you homosexuals can't be around other males without feeling like fucking them,” he retorted coldly. Damn, he was doing it again. He felt the anger build up again.

 

“Is that what happened to you?”

 

Silence fell between them and Jinki felt his blood freeze in his veins. His jaw tightened and his hands started shaking in anger. “Stop it.”

 

“Stop what?”

 

Jinki snapped. “Forcing yourself into my mind! Are you having fun? Is this why you're doing it? Because you're missing an older man in the list of your fucks?!” He forced himself to take deep breaths to regain some semblance of control. “I don't even know why I'm talking to you...” he continued with a pained and frustrated murmur. “I just wanted to apologize and tell you that I have no intention of becoming your friend and then hang up.”

 

“You know that's not what you really want, hyung.” Kibum's voice answered then, completely void of any sign of doubt. It irritated him to no end.

 

“And what do I really want, then! Tell me, if you know so well! Let's hear it.”

 

“I can't be the one to tell you that, you have to find out on your own.”

 

“I'm hanging u–“

 

“I'll show it to you.”

 

Jinki stopped in his actions and kept listening.

 

“There's a reason why I was asking you all those questions before, so now I'm gonna try doing it again. I want it to be clear, though – I'm not forcing you to answer, hyung. I'm not the one who needs the answers.”

 

The older man found himself calming down at that. He didn't have to answer. He could choose not to. He had control.

 

He relaxed and breathed out a little ' _okay_ ', letting the other go on and forgetting that only a second before he had been _this_ close to hanging up.

 

“Why did you decide to text me despite being angry at me? It didn't look like you would,” Kibum started again, then.

 

“I was feeling guilty.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I've never apologized to you.” _And I haven't done it yet, either._ “I'm not usually that... I was mean to you, I'm sorry. I didn't really mean what I've said back at Miya's. I just felt so frustrated and nervous and– I've been feeling restless for a while, and when I speak with you it all comes out and I snap at y–”

 

“You stopped feeling like that when I told you that you had been a good boy, though, didn't you?”

 

Jinki couldn't bring himself to answer that. He felt like everything something extremely important would change if he truthfully answered that question, even if he knew that Kibum didn't need to hear it from him to know.

 

For a minute, or maybe longer, they said nothing. Jinki wondered what Kibum was thinking. He wondered how much the kid knew. How did he know. What was he trying to do about it. He especially wondered why he was letting Kibum do it.

 

“Hyung...”

 

“... yes?”

 

“What are you thinking?”

 

“I can't answer that...”

 

“Are you scared, hyung?” he murmured.

 

Jinki shut his eyes tight. “I-I... don't know.”

 

“Tell me what scares you. Please?” Kibum's voice, the one that had been irritating just some minutes ago, sounded now like the most shooting sound Jinki had ever heard. As if Kibum was relaxing too by speaking at him like that. It made Jinki wonder where Kibum was, what he had been doing before calling and what he was doing in that moment. If he was lying on his bed while speaking with him, with his legs tangled in soft sheets and his hair spread on his pillow. If he had his eyes closed while his lips moved...

 

Jinki's legs felt weak.

 

“You... you make me feel strange... I don't like it,” he blurted out in a whisper.

 

“Strange how, hyung?”

 

Every time Kibum breathed out another 'hyung', his mind became fuzzier and his whole body got warmer. Did the kid know? Was that the reason why he was using it so much? Or was it only casual? He had never thought such a normal appellation could sound so sensu– _What am I thinking?_

 

“You're doing it again...” he panted out.

 

“I'm not doing anything.”

 

“You are!” Jinki bent over and pushed his forehead into the mattress, feeling hot and bothered and guilty. “I don't like it, I don't want it.” He felt like crying again. His emotions were all over the place, and he didn't know how to control them, he was afraid he would break.

 

“What do you want, then, hyung?”

 

“I don't know, I-I want... I... I want it to stop, I want- I- Kibum, I-”

 

“Hyung.” Jinki's stomach twisted. Was he imagining things or had Kibum's breathing lost its rhythm? “Would you let me touch you now, if I was there with you?”

 

A squeak left Jinki's lips before he could even register the question, and heat washed over him, making him lose touch with himself. He didn't even know what Kibum was talking about, didn't want to think he knew exactly what the other meant, while thoughts of Kibum's hands, of long fingers exploring heated skin, filled his head. Jinki trembled.

 

“Would you let me kiss you?”

 

Jinki's mouth watered and he swallowed, but no other sound left his throat. He didn't know why he was feeling like this. It was so wrong. Why was he feeling like this? He wanted it to stop, to stop...

 

Despite that, he kept the phone pressed against his ear, listening to Kibum's voice like it was the only thing keeping him from breaking.

 

He realized right then, in a second of lucidity, that Kibum was panting, and more images flashed behind his closed eyelids. Images of himself pressed against the mattress, with his ass up high and his back pressed to the boy's chest. Kibum's nose running along the side of his neck and inhaling his scent. The feeling of something hard and hot brushing against his inner thigh and Kibum's teeth catching his earlobe before sucking it in his mouth and with lustful voice going–

 

“Hyung, I really want you right now...”

 

Jinki moaned. A loud, long and dirty sound that had him grit his teeth and clench his jaw in shame right after it had left his lips. “S-stop–“

 

“Does it bother you? That I want to run my hands all over you, on every angle and curve of your body, up your legs, down your back...”

 

Jinki could feel them. Big and warm, on naked skin. Exploring and making his back arch, his knees spread wider. “I-I–“

 

“Would it excite you?”

 

Tears flowed from his eyes and Jinki could only bite on the sheet of his bed to prevent himself from moaning again. Blood pulsed in his ears, his fringe was stuck to his forehead and droplets of sweat were tickling his neck. It was too hot. He felt like suffocating.

 

“What do you want, hyung?”

 

Jinki shook his head, he wanted to repeat that he didn't know, but couldn't bring himself to release the sheet from the tight grip of his teeth to do so. Only a whimper left his throat.

 

“Do you want to come?”

 

His eyes opened wide. _What?_ What was he speaking about, what– _oh my God._

 

Jinki's groin throbbed and only then he realized that his boxers felt already wet and incredibly tight.

 

“Do you want to come, hyung?” Kibum's voice repeated, insistent, and Jinki could feel nothing else but his balls tighten painfully and pre-cum flow from the tip of his cock, slowly and inexorably.

 

“Hyung.”

 

Another pitiful sound left Jinki's lips.

 

“ _Come._ ”

 

It hit him out of nowhere, like a bomb that felt way too much like imploding. Jinki's eyes widened in shock, his vision went completely blank and the sound of his hands ripping thin sheets filled his ears. His body shook violently and he came. Hard and long and screaming.

 

Cum kept erupting from its cock in waves, leaving him breathless and completely drained.

  
When his body fell limp on his side, he regained consciousness of his surroundings again. He had to blink a few times to clear his vision, still panting hard. He then reached for his cell phone with a trembling hand and pressed the speakerphone button.

 

A disturbing whistle was still resounding in his ears, making it difficult to hear any other sound. For a few moments, he couldn't hear anything but silence from the other side of the line and panic filled him. Had Kibum hung up already? Was this it? Had he gotten what he wanted and left him like this?

 

His eyes started blurring again and his throat constricted, but then that soft voice spoke again.

 

“That's enough for today,” it said. “You did well, hyung. Goodnight.”

 

Later, with his head clear, a pair of new boxer and his cellphone far from him, Jinki could do nothing more than cry himself to sleep.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- The Miya's Got The Balls is the side restaurant of Kibum's friend, Miya (her main one is called “Mama Miya”). He went there recently to celebrate its opening.  
> \- Itaewon is a district of Seoul  
> \- Korean speech can go from familiar to polite by adding a simple -yo at the end of the sentence.  
> \- Kibum is eighteen in korean age, so actually seventeen. Yes, he's underage. Jinki is twenty five.  
> \- Sun Young is the real name of f(x)'s Luna


	2. Part II

_Everything around him was a blur._

 

_The five boys who had surrounded him in the classroom seemed to have multiplied now that they had dragged him to the courtyard, but maybe it was only his head tricking him: he had hit the back of it pretty badly against the wall when they had started beating the crap out of him. He didn't know that because of the pain, though – he could barely register a tickling feeling – but because of the sound his head made when it had slammed against the wall. He knew he should be frightened, he knew he probably had a serious concussion, maybe some broken bones too, but everything felt muffled and he couldn't even concentrate on his fear. Almost as if he was seeing it all happening through a closed and far window of the school to someone else. To someone that didn't matter. Someone who deserved it._

 

_The smell of blood was strong, but the stench of piss was stronger. When the sour liquid hit him in the face for a second he regained lucidity and coughed. The salty taste made him recoil on the floor._

 

_He heard someone commenting on how pathetic he was. Someone else betting that he had enjoyed it. Then sometime later somebody declared that it was enough, that it wasn't funny anymore, and suddenly the tall and dark walls that had surrounded him disappeared and the last rays of sunshine of the day hit him._

 

_He couldn't really recognize any figure around him. Everything looked like a pretty Monet bathed in the warm colors of sunset. There was only one thing that looked out of place. A blue stain in the middle of yellows and oranges and reds._

 

_He hoped that his tears could clean it away._

 

 

●●●

 

 

Jinki didn't jolt awake like he had done so many times in the past. His eyelids simply rose, slowly, almost as if what had awoken him was the the sun shining through his window. Stains of colors transformed in his room's ceiling and he sighed, defeated.

 

He wasn't surprised. He knew what that dream meant and had expected to dream it. It was the usual warning, the usual reminder.

 

Jinki stretched his hand out of the warm blankets and searched for his cell phone on the night stand, to check the time. He had a feeling that it was already late in the morning and that he had over slept. With everything that had happened only the night before he had forgotten to check his lectures and set the alarm...

 

_Ah, right._

 

His cellphone wasn't on the night stand, he remembered after a while of blindingly searching with his left hand. He had left it somewhere far away from him hoping it would explode or vanish in fairy dust or something equally ridiculous because he didn't want to deal with reality.

 

Too bad he did everything with his cellphone and basically couldn't live without it.

 

He groaned and rubbed his eyes. He still felt drowsy and tired, despite the full night of sleep. His eye lashes were stuck together and his cheeks felt gross, probably covered in dried salt. He really hated it when he broke down like he had the night before. It was rare, but it happened. There were just some things that triggered him, sometimes; they brought him back to his high school days and made those confusing dreams come back. It didn't really matter as much because his mind couldn't recall the details anymore. The images barely felt like memories at this point, but it still annoyed him that he could still cry like that without being able to control himself, all because of something that had happened an eon before. It wasn't like he was traumatized or anything, he was just... angry, probably. Sure they had hit him badly that time, and he had ended up at the hospital with a broken leg and a few broken ribs, but he didn't even remember who they were in the first place so he had no resentment. In a sense, he thought he had deserved it. For being so stupid. He was angry because of a lot of other people – his old best friend and his father's former boss, for example – but he mostly blamed his teenage self for fucking up royally.

 

Every time something that could bring him to fuck up again happened, the dreams came back. The fact that that something was a kid he barely knew just made it the more frustrating.

 

Jinki got up and went to the bathroom to refresh himself. He knew he looked like shit, so he didn't even bother looking at himself in the mirror. He didn't feel like going to university anyway, so there was no reason to make himself presentable. As long as his face didn't feel like someone had covered it in vinyl glue and sand it was enough.

 

When the uncomfortable feeling on his cheeks was gone, thought, he realized that his face wasn't the only thing that felt sticky and gross.

 

He didn't even let himself relieve his bladder before he was inside the shower, rubbing at his genitalia as if it was the source of all his problems. Then again, that was kind of the truth.

 

When he finally came out of the bathroom, clean and still dripping water around his room, he felt definitely better, and his stomach grumbling started to register in his mind. Maybe he needed to go out after all.

 

The idea of eating alone reminded him of all the times he had met Kibum while doing so and Jinki immediately swept the idea aside. Maybe he could ask Sun Young to go with him? She was probably at school though... Well, it was worth a try.

 

He went around the room in search of his cellphone and found it discarded on the floor in an angle between the kitchenette and the entrance. When he pressed the button of his Samsung nothing happened, though, and Jinki guessed that the battery had died sometime during the night. He searched for his spare one in his school bag before substituting it and tuning the device on.

 

As soon as his phone connected to internet, notifications of new Kakao Talk messages from his mom appeared.

 

_Jinki-ya! Want to come over at the shop?_

_Your father just invented a new recipe and wants you to rate it_ ㅋㅋ

 

_Don't tell him that I said it, but it's pretty delicious!_

 

 

Jinki smiled and shook his head.

 

His family owned a chicken restaurant and his father created most of the recipes. They had chosen chicken only because it was Jinki's favorite food, therefore every time his father wanted to add something to the menu, Jinki had to approve it first. His mother was always the first trying everything out, but she never openly praised her husband about it because she was kind of a sadist, if Jinki was honest. She enjoyed having Jinki's father continuously looking for her approval, because he would follow her around all day like a lost puppy until Jinki came to save the situation and take his father out of his misery by giving his own opinion. His mother thought it was funny. Jinki thought his mom was a scary woman.

 

Just thinking about chicken made Jinki's mouth water and his stomach sing happily. It was perfect timing, really. Leave it to his parents to always know how to make his day better.

 

He typed a 'coming' to his mom, before switching chats to write to Sun Young.

 

 

_Are you free for some chicken at my folk's?_

 

 

The answer came immediately.

 

 

_Sure! My lecture ends in 30 minutes though..._

 

_I'll come there, let's meet at the entrance gate._

 

_Okay! See you later, oppa!_

 

 

 ●●●

 

 

 

The 'Lee Chicken Restaurant' was empty. There were no customers at that time in the afternoon and Sun Young, Jinki and his parents all were able to sit together at a table for four and enjoy their meal.

 

Sun Young was the most excited about the new recipe. She happily complimented Mr. Lee about everything, from the taste of the dish to the presentation. Jinki demonstrated his appreciation simply by eating double the amount of the other three; that was how his father usually knew that a new recipe could be added to the menu.

 

When they were done and it was already past five in the afternoon, Jinki's mom suggested that he let Sun Young see his bedroom, upstairs, where they lived. Sun Young became strangely flustered at that and Jinki looked at his mom weirdly. Why did he feel like he was missing something? He complied, anyway, not seeing any reason to deny. The restaurant was going to be full of people in an hour or so, and he could use a peaceful room.

 

Sun Young followed him upstairs in silence and Jinki showed her around. There wasn't really anything exciting to see, it was really only a standard korean house, so they settled in his bedroom right away.

 

Jinki's room was mostly empty. He had lived in the one room in Itaewon for four years and went home just occasionally, so there were mostly old books on the bookshelf, old clothes in the ward robe and old photo frames on the desk, although there were more photos than he remembered. That was probably his mom's doing.

 

Sun Young seemed interested enough anyway. She got immediately close to the desk, just under the window, to check the various pictures and squeal at his baby ones.

 

“Look at your puffy cheeks! So cute! Oh, and this one?! Were you in middle school? Look at your hair, so long!”

 

“I looked like a good kid, at that time,” he joked. “I was in the first year of high school, though.”

 

“Oh, I see...” she looked around some more and stopped in front of another picture. “You went to the army already, oppa?!” she exclaimed, taking the frame in her hand and looking at it closely, as if she couldn't believe she was seeing Jinki among the other soldiers.

 

“Yeah, right after high school.”

 

“So young! Most people wait until last minute to do the military service... I thought you would go after university or something...”

 

Jinki's expression darkened slightly and Sun Young put the frame back at its place without asking about it. During their two years as friends she had learned that there were just some question that Jinki never answered, no matter how much you insisted. She could never win, anyway, he always knew how to shift her attention away from the topic or confuse her with cryptic – or nonsensical? - answers.

 

She went back at studying the other pictures and noticed that there was a Polaroid attached with a piece of tape to the wall between the desk and the window. Jinki was smiling pressed closely to a beautiful girl with long brown hair. “Oh, is this...”

 

Jinki took a glimpse of it and frowned. He had forgotten about that. “Jung Ah-noona,” he answered.

 

“Your ex girlfriend?”

 

He nodded.

 

“She's very beautiful...” she commented. “How long ago was this taken? I've never seen you dating before...”

 

“Three years ago.”

 

“Oh.” Sun Young kept silent for a while, keeping her eyes fixed on the picture and then smiled. “You know, for a while I really thought you weren't interested in relationships. You never show interest in anyone... But look at you here. You're smiling so brightly... If I can ask it, why did you broke up?”

 

Jinki stared at the picture some more, before answering. “She refused my proposal,” he confessed then, with an embarrassed smile.

 

Sun Young eyes opened wildly. “You proposed?!”

 

“Yeah,” he confirmed, softly.

 

It seemed like Sun Young was eager to know more, and he had no reason not to tell so he just started from the beginning. “I met Jung Ah-noona right after the military service,” he explained. “She worked at the coffee shop on campus. I used to go there a lot because it's cheaper than other coffee shops around the area, and one day, after ordering, she gave me my cup of latte with her phone number written on it. Under that there was only a sentence: _'go out with me'_ ,” Jinki chuckled. “It wasn't even a question, really, it sounded like an order. She was looking at me so intensely, almost daring me to say no, so I just went with it. It's kinda lame, but for a second I was actually afraid to say no to her. We went out that weekend and she was so... different. From me. She was funny, independent, full of dreams. She was honest... the strongest person I've ever met. She overwhelmed me. She was everything I wasn't. I really liked her. She was my first real romantic relationship and the only serious and long one I've been in.”

 

“Your first love,” Sun Young whispered.

 

Jinki paused, and his eyes unfocused for a split second, as if he was recalling something, but it was gone soon, without trace. He didn't correct her nor confirmed her conclusion. “After a year or so, I realized that I wasn't going to find someone as special as her. I thought that she had to be the right one for me and proposed to her...”

 

“What happened then?”

 

 

_I'm sorry, Jinki... I can't marry you._

_I can't marry someone who will never be able to love me for what I am._

 

 

Silence fell between them and Sun Young flinched. She had probably pried too much. “I'm sorry, I didn't want to make you uncomfortable...”

 

Jinki shook his head. “I... I'm honestly confused about it myself. She told me we were better off as friends but she took off for America right after that and I've never seen her since. She sends me postcards sometimes.”

 

“Just like that?” she exclaimed, incredulous.

 

“Yeah...”

 

“And you just let her go?”

 

It hit him harder than he had expected. The question echoed in his head and made his heartbeat louder.

 

Yes. He had. He had just let her go.

 

“I mean, why? You just said that you thought you would never find someone as special as her. That she was the right one for you, but you don't even know why she refused your proposal, and it seems like you didn't try to stop her either when she left. Something doesn't add up...”

 

Jinki looked at the floor and his fists clenched.

 

She was right. Sun Young was right. Jung Ah had been right.

 

“I... I guess I knew that I couldn't make her happy...”

 

“You should give yourself more credit, oppa. What do I always tell you? You're husband material. You could make any girl happy!”

 

Jinki smiled a little at Sun Young enthusiasm. “I really doubt that, Young-ah... Two more girls broke up with me after noona. I didn't last even a month with neither of them.”

 

“You just have bad taste in girls.”

 

“Should I feel offended?”

 

“Very,” she smiled. “You haven't tried again after them?”

 

“No. It got to a point where being in a relationship tired me out more than it made me happy, so I just called it quits.”

 

“I see how your mom could be worried about that...” Sun Young mumbled. “You're an air head too...”

 

Jinki raised an eyebrow. “What about my mom?”

 

“Well, you haven't been in a relationship in 2 years and you're in your bedroom alone with a girl... nobody is likely to come here until midnight, probably, when the restaurant will be closed, but you haven't even thought that it was weird to have me come in here, now, did you?”

 

_...Oh._

 

“Totally didn't even cross your mind,” she snorted, after realization showed on Jinki's face. “I was wondering why your mom would suggest I see your room in such a situation, but I guess she knew that nothing would happen... I wonder if it makes me feel comfortable or offended,” Sun Young pouted.

 

“I'm sorry, I guess? Should I be sorry for this?” Jinki asked, flustered.

 

Sun Young laughed and shook her head. “No, I'll let it go because your innocence is cute,” she smiled and Jinki just got redder.

 

_Cute..._

 

Kibum had said that too. That he was cute. What did it even mean? He didn't think that the adjective fitted him. Puppies were cute. That Taemin kid he had seen with Kibum had been cute. Babies sleeping were cute. Him? He was only...

 

A voice he thought he had forgotten long ago resounded in his ears and Jinki shut his eyes close for a moment, feeling dizzy.

 

Ah, right. That was it. That was the proper adjective.

 

 

_Disgusting._

 

“Oppa? Are you okay?”

 

“Y-yeah. It's nothing. I feel a bit dizzy, though...”

 

“Maybe it's heartburn. You ate a lot, you should sit down.”

 

Jinki complied and sat on his bed. Sun Young searched inside her hand bag for some medicine and took a pill out. “I'll go get you a glass of water. If it gets worse this will help,” she said, and before he could even register what was happening she wasn't in the room anymore.

 

Jinki exhaled and covered his eyes with the palms of his hands. “Fuck...”

 

He hated this. It was all Kibum's fault. It was because of him that the dreams were back and his mind was misbehaving. It was the stupid kid's fau-

 

His cellphone buzzed in his sweater pocket and Jinki took it out automatically to check it. His heart skipped a beat when he realized that he had a new message. A new message from a number he knew by heart already. The only one that still didn't have a name attached to it.

 

His grip on his phone tightened and he stared at the display until it turned black.

 

Sun Young came back right then with a glass full of water and Jinki drank it in one shot.

 

“Oppa! That's too fas-”

 

“Sun Young.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Are you busy on Christmas Eve?”

 

“Uh? Christmas Eve? No... I mean, actually I wanted to ask you if you want to go to a concert with me... My conservatory hubae is the vocalist of the band who'll play that day and he gave me two tickets, but I have nobody to go with so I thought... I wondered if you...”

 

“I'll come.”

 

“Eh?”

 

“I'll come with you.”

 

“Really?!”

 

“Yes.” Jinki didn't even listen to Sun Young talking about how awesome her hoobae was. He went back to his messages and read the text that he had just received over.

 

 

_See me on Christmas Eve._

 

 

Jinki sent his reply with a satisfied smile on his face. He wasn't going to let himself be ordered around again.

 

_I have a date for Christmas Eve._

_Find someone else to entertain you._

 

 

When no answer came, Jinki thought that he had won. He didn't have to worry about Kibum anymore. He could sleep in peace that night and stop thinking about useless things.

 

But it came. In the middle of the night, during a sleep without dreams, his phone buzzed on the nightstand and woke him up.

 

_You'll see me anyway._

 

 

 

●●●

 

 

 

The first thing that Jinki noticed when he arrived at the pub with Sun Young was that it didn't look like a pub at all. The lights were dimmed and pinkish. There were round tables covered with red table clothes and decorated with gold candelabras; there were gold and red helium balloons throughout the whole room and glitter-covered polyester snowflakes hanging from the ceiling; in an angle of the room, beside a table dedicated to a buffet of snacks and different types of cakes, there was also a Christmas tree.

 

Even the stage wasn't how Jinki had expected it. Sure, he hadn't asked Sun Young about it, but he had assumed they were going to watch an indie rock band, so he had been expecting electric guitars, a big drum, amplifiers... But there was none of those. There was a group of people, two of them were testing their flutes, one had a clarinet, the other a violin and there was also an harp in the center of the stage. Right beside it an empty stool and a microphone.

 

The second thing that he noticed was that the 'pub' was full of couples. Everywhere. The tables were all only for two people each. When he commented on it, Sun Young explained that it was a special couple event for Christmas Eve and that it was the reason why she hadn't wanted to come alone.

 

Their assigned table was in first row, just a few meters from the stage and Sun Young took the chance to get closer to it and greet some of the musicians, who were either her sunbaes or hubaes at university.

 

“Jonghyun is still getting ready, they said,” she reported after going back to their table.

 

“Jonghyun?”

 

“The vocalist. The person who gave me the tickets.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“He's actually the vocalist of a rock band too, but that's mostly an hobby he has. He likes to put eyeliner on and bleach his hair and go on stage half naked. He's one of those, yeah. But at school he's the vocalist of _this_ band. Mostly because nobody can hit high notes like he does. It always takes one hour or so to force him in his suit before a performance, though, that's why he's not here yet, it seems,” she chuckled.

 

“It doesn't sound like someone you would be friend with, honestly...”

 

“I know right? He doesn't have the best reputation at school either. There are the most ridiculous rumors going around about him, because he's quite the lady killer. He's like an idol at school, and has a funclub too. You'll probably see his fans later, I bet they'll be waiting outside. But he's a good kid, really, you'll fall in love with his voic– oh, Kibum!”

 

Jinki froze.

 

_Kibum?_

 

Sun Young got up from her chair and started waiving to someone behind Jinki.

 

There was no way it was the Kibum he knew, right? It would have been too much of a coincidence. He wasn't that unlucky. Kibum was a common name, it didn't have to be _that_ Kibum. _There is no reason to freak out_ , he quietly repeated over and over in his head.

 

But he could feel them. Those eyes burning on the back of his head. Still, it could be only a psychological suggestion because he had heard his name. It could be because his mind immediately connected Kibum's name to _this_ feeling that he was breaking in a cold sweat... It was only his fucked up imaginat–

 

“Noona!”

 

Jinki's heart dropped, before starting to beat loudly. It was him. There was no mistaking. He could recognize that voice anywhere. Even if it wasn't whispering low and seductive right in his ear, there was no way anybody else could have that same tone of voice, the same unique voice quality.

 

Jinki could only stare in shock when Kibum finally got in his field of view to hug Sun Young. Their eyes locked over Sun Young's shoulders, and he stopped breathing. Kibum looked at him for what felt like hours with those dark eyes before his lips stretched in a smile and spelled out an _'annyeong'_ : exactly like the first time Kibum had approached him.

 

 

_You'll see me anyway._

 

 

Was this what he had meant? Did he know he would come here with Sun Young? Did he communicate with her regularly? Had Kibum known about him _all along_?

 

Sun Young and Kibum parted, and she immediately tried to introduce them to each other. Both of them let her do that, as if they had never met before. Jinki couldn't say anything anyway. He was still staring at Kibum as if he was seeing him for the first time.

 

“I've heard a lot about you, Jinki-sshi,” Kibum commented formally after the introduction, staring intensely at Jinki. The tone reminded him again of their first time speaking to each other and his stomach twisted: Kibum was telling him that nothing had been casual from the start.

 

Jinki could only stare back, feeling like a caged bird being watched by its master. All he had done in the past two weeks to try and escape from Kibum, all his efforts... in vain. Kibum had let him believe that he was making his own choices but he had been played all along, hadn't he? He had been trapped from the start. He was exactly where Kibum had wanted him to be.

 

“Kibum-ah, since when are you so formal? Giving me shivers, ugh.”

 

“I was trying to make a good impression at least this time, noona!”

 

“You're going to ruin any good first impression you give soon anyway. Might as well be honest from the start,” she retorted with a snort. “Oppa won't mind, right?” She turned towards Jinki and only then he was able to regain some semblance of composure.

 

“Yeah, I don't mind. Informal speech is fine...”

 

Kibum smiled. It would have looked like a polite smile, if his eyes hadn't been sparkling with satisfaction. Jinki felt the need to punch him in the face tingle in his clenched hands.

 

“Okay, then, nice to meet you, hyung! Noona has talked a lot about you.”

 

“Has she...?”

 

Sun Young looked at Kibum in horror. “K-kibum...”

 

“She likes to talk about you when she's drunk,” he explained, calmly, completely enjoying the panicked expression on his noona's face.

 

“Oppa is my best friend, obviously I would speak about him!” she intervened with a nervous laugh. “I probably mentioned you one time or two, oppa, don't worry, nothing important,” she reassured.

 

Kibum chuckled. “She showed me all your pictures together the first time we met. Jonghyun introduced us one night and she got drunk. 15 minutes into the meal and she was already blabbing about you.”

 

“Kibum!”

 

“What? You were funny.”

 

Sun Young was flushed pink but before she could say anything else, or Jinki could ask any question, a short guy appeared behind Kibum and put his face on the kid's shoulder.

 

“Oh, isn't that the infamous Jinki oppa?!” the guy asked.

 

Kibum almost screamed in surprise and pushed the other away complaining. “Kim Jonghyun, don't sneak behind me like that, I just had an heart attack!”

 

“Sorry, sorry, I was curious to see what had you all concentrated and look! I finally meet you!” The boy looked towards Jinki and stretched out his hand. “I'm Kim Jonghyun!” he introduced himself. “The vocalist today, Sun Young noona's hobae and Kibum's friend. Noona spoke a lot about you, I'm glad I finally have the chance to meet you!”

 

Jinki looked pointedly for a second towards Kibum, who only went _'I told you so'_ , while Sun Young could only sigh, defeated. But that wasn't why he had turned towards Kibum.

 

Kibum's friend. Jonghyun. Going to university, so Kibum's hyung. There were a lot of rumors about him. It was _that_ Jonghyun, wasn't it? The one Minho had been speaking with Kibum when he had found out about Kibum's sexuality. The one he slept with.

 

When Jinki took Jonghyun's hand, his grip was tighter than he had intended. “Lee Jinki,” he answered. It sounded like an hiss in his own ears, but the other didn't seem to notice and only smiled back.

 

Kim Jonghyun was very different from what he had imagined. He had ash blonde hair, incredibly big eyes and a strong jawline. He was shorter than Jinki was, but he looked well built under his dress shirt. His skin was a beautiful amber color and he had a goofy grin plastered on his face that made him look approachable and warm. At the same time though he had an aura... Jonghyun oozed cockiness. Or pheromones. Jinki wasn't sure which of the two. But everything about Jonghyun screamed 'flirty'.

 

“Bum-ah, have you found someone to come with or are you alone?” Jonghyun asked his friend.

 

“I'm alone. I had a date in mind but he turned me down.”

 

Jinki stopped breathing for a moment.

 

“Ow, you really suck at this, don't you? I bet you were awkward as hell and ended up doing something weird that scared the poor thing away.”

 

“Yah!”

 

“The second hand embarrassment was what convinced me to offer myself as sacrifice, in the first place. Seeing you trying like that some more would have killed me.”

 

Kibum flushed pink but he didn't back away from the challenge. “You didn't seem to complain in bed,” he retorted, confidently.

 

“Well, you _were_ good at that.”

 

Sun Young cleared her throat. “Guys... I'm trying not to make my date run away, you know...”

 

All of them turned towards Jinki, who had been watching the whole exchange without a word. The question came out of his mouth before he could stop it.

 

“Are you two dating?” _Was Kibum playing with me all along?_

 

“Nope,” Jonghyun answered.

 

“We dated for a short period but not anymore. We are better off as friends,” Kibum explained.

 

“Yep,” his friend confirmed. “Also, this guy here has his pants in a twist for some other mysterious guy and won't tell me who he is,” he accused, thinning his eyes. “Too bad he rejected you already.”

 

Jinki's heart sped up its rate.

 

“We'll see about that.”

 

“You said he turned you down!”

 

“I did. I never said he didn't come at the end, though.”

 

“You mean he's here?! Where? Oh my God, where?! I want to see him!”

 

Before Jonghyun could inquire about it more, one of the musicians took him by the ear and dragged him away, saying he was sorry to interrupt but they needed _'this guy'_ to start the show. With a wave and a _'I'll find out one day!'_ Jonghyun was gone.

 

After that, Sun Young asked Kibum to sit with them, so that he wouldn't be alone. He dragged a chair over to their table and sat in front of Sun Young, right next to Jinki, who feigned indifference, but soon got up to get something to drink for everyone. Kibum didn't seem to take the hint – or more probably he had and was doing this on purpose – and offered to help.

 

Jinki bit his bottom lip, preventing himself from telling the kid to stay put, and together they headed to the counter to order.

 

Jinki was the first one to reach it, sneaking between a lot of other men waiting to get a drink for themselves and their girlfriends sitting at the tables. He ordered for himself and Sun Young, before turning to ask Kibum what he wanted, but he Kibum just ordered from over Jinki's shoulder.

 

Kibum seemed big and imposing behind him, despite being just mere centimeters taller than he was. It should have made him nervous, but he actually felt protected. Everyone was pushing to get their drinks, but because of Kibum it felt like nobody could touch him. It was ridiculous, really. There were other people beside him that Kibum couldn't prevent from bumping into Jinki, but he did feel safer. He wondered if it was because in comparison to Kibum nothing felt as dangerous.

 

They waited for a minute or two in silence, and Jinki noticed out of the corner of his eyes that the musicians were doing their last preparations on the stage, but then he couldn't take it anymore and had to ask.

 

“For how long have you known me?”

 

He didn't know if Kibum was listening to him. The question could easily have been lost in the noisy room, but Jinki asked anyway. In a sense, knowing that Kibum couldn't see his face reassured him and made him bolder.

 

“Around three months.”

 

Jinki kept silent for a long moment, thinking. Three months were two months more than he had initially thought. “How much do you know about me?” he continued.

 

“Probably more than you wished I did.”

 

Jinki closed his eyes. _Yeah, most definitely._ “That's kind of creepy, you know. I don't like the fact that you seem to know so much about me but I know nothing about you.”

 

“You can ask me anything,” Kibum answered. Jinki could hear the little smile in his voice. “I won't lie, promise.”

 

Their drinks arrived just then and Jinki grabbed his and Sun Young's, but didn't move away. He breathed in and asked what he had always wanted to ask: “Can I really trust you, Kibum?”

 

He had trusted and been betrayed before. But he knew. He could feel it in his veins. There was something strong attracting him to Kibum and Jinki was having an hard time denying it. He wanted to, but at the same time he didn't. He wasn't sure what he _really_ wanted anymore and Kibum's words still echoed in his head: _'I'll show you'_.

 

“You can trust me.” The answer came in a serious tone, missing any sign of doubt, and Jinki released the breath he had been holding in.

 

He leaned against the other's chest for just a few seconds, with his eyes cast on the ground and his trembling hands still gripping the two drinks. He heard a surprised gasp and Kibum's hand grabbed his wrist, on reflex. Heat surrounded him. He did really feel safe, he confirmed, smiling incredulously. Kibum could betray him anytime, he knew it, but despite that, he found himself believing his words. Believing this strong feeling of being treasured and precious.

 

His stomach fluttered and Jinki closed his eyes. “Why am I believing a minor that probably changes crushes as many times as he changes his pants? I feel like I should be very bothered by this but I'm having a hard time reminding myself that you're still not legal.”

 

“I'll be in three months,” Kibum supplied calmly. “I have a fake ID if it makes you feel better?”

 

Jinki laughed. “Oh, that changes everything then,” he joked.

 

“Are you bothered by my age because you're thinking about doing something with me, hyung?”

 

Jinki choked on his own saliva and coughed. “D-doing what?!” he exclaimed in horror, turning around. His breath caught when he found Kibum's face way closer than he had expected and he took an instinctive step back, blushing and almost spilling his two drinks. “Don't kid around, I'm just worried about the fact that you try to seduce people way too old for you!”

 

Kibum raised an amused eyebrow. “I'm not trying to seduce _people_ , hyung. I'm trying to seduce _you_.”

 

Jinki frowned. “How's that any different?”

 

“You're a cute old man?”

 

He paused. “... I think I know what Jonghyun meant now.”

 

“It still works on you, though, doesn't it? You're totally falling for me.”

 

Jinki snorted to conceal his heart beat increasing. “Let's go, before you kill all the magic you had going on around you.”

 

 

 

●●●

 

 

 

 

Enjoying Jonghyun's singing, when the show started, had to be the most difficult thing Jinki had ever done in his whole life. Sure, he could hear that the boy was good, but he couldn't really concentrate on it. There were two things that were preventing him from doing so.

 

The first one was that Jonghyun's face and concentration and pose on his stool pissed him off. There was no real reason. Or so Jinki liked to tell himself. Reality was that he hadn't completely swallowed what he had discovered from the other's discussion with Kibum. It was strange to believe that a guy like Jonghyun could just bend down for a friend out of pity. He seemed to be the really passionate type, one to involve himself romantically until the point of no return. Someone who probably used his own romantic struggles to compose ballad songs. Jinki had seen how he looked at Kibum, and that was no friendly look. Was Kibum even aware that Jonghyun was in love with him? That he had probably always been? Something told Jinki that the reason why they weren't a thing anymore was because Kibum had noticed too late. The fact that Jonghyun's eyes still looked longingly towards Kibum rubbed on Jinki in all the wrong ways.

 

The second thing was that Kibum was watching him. He could feel his stare burning the side of his face, along his jawline and down his neck.

 

He shivered.

 

It wasn't the first time. Jinki should have been used to it by now, but this was the first time he had Kibum so close to him, openly staring at him. What was he trying to do? Wasn't he here to enjoy his friend's performance? Then again, this probably wasn't his first time seeing Jonghyun on stage.

 

He wasn't close enough to feel Kibum's body heat, but he could clearly feel Kibum's intentions caressing him. His ear, his nape, his lips. Everything his eyes brushed over tingled and burned.

 

Jinki's heart started beating louder, over the music, and he knew that he wouldn't be able to bear it much longer. His hands were on the table but the urge to bring them between his thighs was only getting stronger. He wanted it to stop. He hated the power Kibum had over him, but more than anything else he heated himself for giving that power to Kibum.

 

When the fifth or sixth song finished – Jinki had lost track long before – and Jonghyun announced that they would do a couple game before going on with the show, Jinki got up abruptly. He noticed out of the corner of his eye that Kibum had been looking at him with his elbow on the table and his head resting in his hand, shamelessly turned towards him. He excused himself for the toilet, and told Sun Young to please do the game with Kibum.

 

As soon as he reached the empty men toilet he splashed cold water on his face and took a deep breath, grabbing the edges of the sink and closing his eyes. He tried to regain his composure, but as soon as he felt a bit more in control of himself, goosebumps appeared on his skin and his hair stood up. He raised his head and opened his eyes to see Kibum leaning on the doorstep reflected in the mirror. He came closer as soon as Jinki noticed him.

 

“Are you okay?” he asked.

 

Jinki turned around and pressed his back to the sink. “I'm okay. It was just too hot in that room. Shouldn't you be with Sun Young?”

 

“Jonghyun called her on the stage for a demonstration of the game.”

 

“I see...”

 

They stared at each other for a long moment before Jinki shifted his eyes to the ground and mumbled an _'I'll go back'_. But Kibum grabbed his wrist before he could exit the bathroom.

 

“Wait.”

 

Jinki stopped and breathed heavily through his nose. His heart was beating wildly and he hoped that Kibum couldn't feel it where he was grabbing him.

 

“I don't want you to misunderstand, Jonghyun and me are only friends.”

 

“You said that already...”

 

“Yeah... But it looked like it was still bothering you, so I thought I would tell you again.”

  
“Why would it bother me? It's none of my business.”

 

“So stubborn...”

 

Silence filled the room and Jinki tried to escape the room again, but Kibum's grip didn't loosen. Jinki turned around to look at the other and ask an exasperated _'what now'_ , but his words died in his throat as soon as their eyes locked.

 

 _I want you_ : it was written all over Kibum's face. Jinki could hear it whispered in his ear like he had said it during their phone call just some days before, even if the kid wasn't moving his lips at all. The memories of that night made his body go aflame and his groin twitch. He bit his lower lip in shame and diverted his eyes, but didn't miss how Kibum followed his movement.

 

The kid's thumb started drawing little circles on his wrist and Jinki trembled, his breath getting shorter.

 

When Kibum took a step closer to him, Jinki could only close his eyes shut and feel Kibum's breath tickle his cheek, then his ear, making him shiver, before something soft and warm pressed against it. He opened his eyes in shock and turned his head so that he could see Kibum's expression. Their noses bumped and Jinki's heart skipped a beat.

 

Kibum smiled, before tiling his head a little and stopping there, breathing Jinki's breath in. The silent question was left suspended between them: _'Can I kiss you?'_

 

Jinki could smell mint and something fruity that reminded him of lip balms and his mouth watered, but he couldn't give permission. He would never.

 

Kibum read his eyes and moved his lips away from his mouth, sweetly kissing beside it, on his cheek.

 

Jinki found himself shutting his eyes close and gripping Kibum's shirt with his free hand unconsciously.

 

He felt those lips again, on his eyelids and on his forehead, and before he knew it, his body had relaxed and he had gotten close enough to feel Kibum's body heat almost surrounding him. When he felt the tip of Kibum's nose trace his jawline, a sigh escaped his lips and his legs weakened.

 

This was really _really_ dangerous... But Kibum smelled so nice and welcoming...

 

Kibum rested his forehead on Jinki's shoulder and the elder opened his eyes. He turned towards the boy, who was breathing heavily and trying to calm himself down before he did something he couldn't do, while grabbing Jinki's waist tightly. Jinki's eyes focused on his left ear, where he noticed ear piercings for the first time. Kibum's ear top was flushed red. Was he embarrassed? It was so unexpected from him, he always acted so mature and confident, it almost seemed out of character.

 

_So cute..._

 

Jinki's tongue lapped at it without his consent. Kibum tensed, but kept still. His ear became redder and Jinki kissed it.

 

What was he doing...?

 

But it was so adorable. It was so red...

 

He lapped at it again, like a cat, tracing the edge at the top, before brushing it with the tip of his nose and his eyes close in an affectionate gesture that made his heart swell and his stomach flutter.

 

He couldn't think straight anymore.

 

Kibum hid his face in the crook between Jinki's shoulder and neck before leaving a wet kiss there that made Jinki shake. The elder's reaction gave confidence to the younger, that parted his lips more and sucked on that same spot. Jinki moaned and he suddenly found himself pushed face forward against the wall inside one of the bathroom stalls. Kibum locked the door before pressing his body to Jinki's back and panting in the elder's ear.

 

“'Red' will be your safe word. Say 'red' if you want me to stop. I won't take 'no' as a request to stop.”

 

Jinki barely registered the words, but nodded nonetheless and in a few seconds his pants and Kibum's were pooling at their ankles and Kibum was pressing his erection right between his ass cheeks. Another moan left Jinki breathless.

 

He felt dizzy. He had never felt this excitement before. He had never felt so sensitive to touch.

 

Kibum had one hand pressed against the wall, right beside Jinki's head, while the other sneaked under Jinki's shirt and slid over his stomach, making him shake and almost scream. It was too intense... he couldn't do it... it was too much...

 

Someone entered the toilet right then, and Jinki's heart beat increased, but Kibum didn't seem to mind the intrusion. His fingers brushed over the elder's right nipple, which became hard, and he pinched and turned it between his thumb and index finger. Jinki bit on Kibum's left arm to suppress another moan.

 

Why was he letting this happen? Why couldn't he stop it? There were people just behind the door... If they found out... If they found out how disgusting he was being just next to them...

 

Kibum sucked on his nape and tears flowed on Jinki's cheeks.

 

As soon as the people in the bathroom had left again, he breathed out a 'stop', 'don't', 'please'. But 'red' never left his lips.

 

Kibum ground against his ass and Jinki whimpered.

 

“ _Damn_ , hyung...”

 

Jinki couldn't take it anymore. He could smell his own arousal, could feel the dampness in the front of his brief, he was so close... He needed more... he needed... needed...

 

“Please... Kibum, _please..._ ”

 

Kibum left his nipples alone in favor of pressing the palm of his hand against the bulge in his boxers, and Jinki's legs gave out. To prevent him from falling, Kibum pushed him harder against the wall, and grunted in his ear when his erection ground against Jinki's ass again.

 

Feeling Kibum as excited as him just made his cock swell further and Jinki rolled his hips to hear that sound again.

 

“ _Fuck._ ”

 

Kibum's hand stroked Jinki's cock over the fabric and he couldn't suppress any of the lewd sounds that left his throat.

 

If felt so good... good... fuck, so _good_...

 

“Hyung...”

 

Jinki's eyelids raised, but he still couldn't see anything. Everything was blurry and hot and came in waves of pure pleasure...

 

“Don't ever let anyone else see you like this. Never let anyone else touch you like this. Be mine.”

 

Jinki cried out but barely understood what was being said to him. The only thing he could feel was that warm big hand stroking his cock and palming its head and the erection grinding between his ass cheeks.

 

Kibum kissed his ear one more time, before covering Jinki's mouth with his hand and panting what Jinki had been waiting to hear: “ _Come._ ”

 

Jinki's scream was muffled against Kibum's skin, his body shook and his seed soaked his boxers. Kibum's own orgasm followed soon after and Jinki could have hardened again just from hearing the low sound that left his lips.

 

When they had calmed down enough, Kibum knelt and licked up Jinki's legs, where some drops of come were sliding down his thighs. The elder's legs almost gave out again.

 

Kibum sucked a mark in his inner thigh and Jinki's cock throbbed. “S-stop... Oh my God...”

 

Kibum kissed the same spot one last time before helping Jinki back in his pants.

 

Their eyes locked significantly for a moment when Kibum was standing again. The younger lips were glistering and the awareness that they were probably dirty of his come brought Jinki on his tip toes to lick it away. Before he could retreat, Kibum's tongue swept over his between them and soon they were kissing.

 

Kibum parted just long enough to breathe _'Let's leave'_ against Jinki's lips.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry for taking so long to update. I had this chapter all written weeks ago but I wasn't satisfied about how it came out so I've rewritten it completely. Meanwhile I also had to study for my university exams and work so I couldn't dedicate this fiction the time I wanted *sobs* Well, now it's here and I really hope you enjoyed it, I think giving birth would have been easier than writing this chapter to be honest XD I have to dedicate a moment to thank and thank and thankx1000 squireconrad that helped me with the first version of this chapter and also with the current one. She gave me suggestions when I was stuck and read everything patiently more than one time. I love you, Chelsì ♥ So! Until next time! :D (There could be either only a part more, but maybe two.)


	3. Part III

Jinki sucked on his cigarette nervously, his hands still trembling. His legs felt numb and he couldn't help resting against the wall, outside the pub.

 

The temperature was probably very low (if the few fan girls covered in thick parkas and scarfs, passing each other hot beverages on the other side of the street were any indication) but Jinki couldn't feel it at all. He was hot and shaking, trying hard to calm himself down and don't let his emotions take the better of him.

 

He should have probably left to deal with it all when he was very far from Kibum and in a familiar environment, but all the sensations were still too strong. The feeling of Kibum's hands running over his body, of his mouth sucking a mark onto his inner thigh, of his low breathy voice when he had come...

 

Jinki exhaled smoke with his eyes shout close.

 

His head was still clouded by lust, his feelings muffled by excitement and anticipation. Adrenaline was pumping in his veins and claiming all his attention, but if he left, if he left without Kibum now, what would happen then? Jinki knew that he wasn't going to shrug what had happened in that bathroom stall off. It was going to repeat in his head for a very long time, and even if now the most that those memories could do was make his groin twitch, as soon as the expectation for more was gone and Kibum was far, he was going to regret it, wasn't he? He was going to break down and puke and struggle with himself because he still, _still..._

 

He was too afraid to face it. As long as Kibum was around and promised more, as long as Kibum made his head fog and made him forget his own name, as long as he could ignore the guilt... he wanted it. He craved the distraction with every inch of his skin, to the point where he could have keeled and begged for it. He wanted it before he could stop himself and never have it.

 

Kibum appeared from inside the pub right then, Jinki knew, even if he hadn't opened his eyes. He could smell him, recognize his body heat, the rhythm of his breathing.

 

Kibum took the hand that wasn't holding the cigarette in his and pulled Jinki slightly away from the wall, before putting the elder's coat on his shoulders. “It's cold, here. You should have waited inside,” Kibum murmured.

 

Jinki rested his forehead on the younger's shoulder and Kibum put his hands on his waist, dragging him closer, in a clumsy embrace. Jinki's soul eased in the affectionate gesture. “A drunken ahjusshi offered me a smoke...” he mumbled. “Said it looked like I needed one.”

 

Kibum hummed. “Is it helping any?”

 

Jinki paused and took a deep breath, inhaling Kibum's scent, before sighing. “It helped me wait,” he answered, honestly, in a murmur. Kibum almost didn't hear it.

 

Jinki let the cigarette fall on the ground to burn out and kept breathing Kibum's scent in regularly instead, spoiling the feeling of protection Kibum gave to him. He had to be very drunk, there was no other explanation. Even if he hadn't drunken much, that had to be the reason, there was no way he felt so good in Kibum's arms... no way...

 

They enjoyed each others heat for a long minute, Kibum letting Jinki relax, before he spoke again.

 

“When I went to get our coats I've told Sun Young that you weren't feeling well and I was gonna see you home. I've called a taxi for us.”

 

Jinki nodded on his shoulder, but kept both his eyes and his mouth closed, unable to really care about the rest of the world right then.

 

One of Kibum's hands left his waist in favor of stroking his hair and a little whine left Jinki's lips, who took half a step forward to get closer to Kibum's heat.

 

“Shhh, it's okay, it's okay...”

 

Jinki's eyes stung.

 

•••

 

For the whole ride to Kibum's apartment, Kibum held Jinki's hand, ignoring the looks the taxi driver was giving them from the rear view mirror. Jinki looked outside the window, despite having his full concentration on the point where Kibum's thumb was drawing little circles on his hand.

 

They arrived at destination in a little more than 5 minutes and walked to the back of Miya's shop after paying the taxi driver and seeing him leave with a scowl on his face.

 

Kibum didn't let Jinki's hand go even when he led him up a staircase that Jinki had never noticed before and then through the only door at the top.

 

Kibum turned on the lights with his free hand and Jinki found himself at the entrance of a little apartment. Both of them took their shoes and coats off.

 

The elder started looking around the living room, noticing scented candles on the coffee table, a family photo frame and CDs on shelves positioned right beside a wall television. There was a stereo under it. The sofa looked old but comfortable in front of the coffee table and divided the room from the kitchenette right behind it. There was a little table for three people against the wall.

 

Jinki supposed that the two closed doors took to the bathroom and Kibum's bedroom.

 

Kibum let Jinki's hand slip from his when the elder got closer to his family picture and went to open the fridge in the mean time.

 

“Do you want something to drink, hyung?” he asked.

 

Jinki didn't answer, and Kibum smiled at the other's concentration, before taking out a banana milk and a blueberries juice. He waited standing against the table.

 

Jinki stared at the picture in front of him and felt excited like a little kid. For a second he was reminded of Sun Young in his room, but didn't think anything of it.

 

From the picture, Jinki learned that Kibum was an only child. The family portrait didn't seem very old, considering that the only difference compared to the current Kibum was that he had longer hair in the picture. Kibum's father had a goofy smile on his face and had his son's same high and round cheekbones. It seemed like Kibum had taken his sharp eyes and his small pouty lips from his mother, though. There was also a old lady sat beside Kibum with a warm expression.

 

“Your grandmother?” Jinki asked, without turning.

 

Kibum confirmed. “My mom contracted an heart disease when she gave birth to me and went in a coma. Even when she recovered she was still not in the condition to raise me, and our household wasn't doing well economically either so my father had to work crazy hours. My grandma raised me for most of my childhood. She's a very important person to me.”

 

The fondness in Kibum's voice made Jinki turn to look at the boy's expression. Kibum had a sweet smile on his face but his eyes were lucid. Jinki's heart swell and he felt that he had just discovered something extremely important about Kibum's life.

 

“I hope your mom is doing better now...” he murmured.

 

“She is. She went back to work and became head of the nurses at the hospital she works at when I was in my first year of high school.”

 

“That's good to hear,” Jinki smiled sincerely. “You are originally from Daegu, aren't you?”

 

“Oh, how do you know?”

 

“Your accent comes out when you are excited.”

 

Kibum frowned. “I don't have an accent.”

 

Jinki chuckled at the pout forming on the other's lips. “I think it's cute. Sometimes you have this serious and strong aura around you, but things like your accent make it crumble completely.”

 

“I'm not sure that's a good thing...”

 

“It is,” Jinki insisted. “There are things you do that ease me when... I mean, even if I should be afraid, I actually...” he stumbled on his own words, suddenly feeling nervous and shy about it. He had wanted to make a point and explain his feelings somehow, but now that he had the chance, he realized that it sounded needy and could be misinterpreted. “I wonder how I should explain it...” Jinki's voice trailed off and he fidgeted under Kibum's expectant stare, looking at the ground.

 

“You aren't afraid of me, is that what you're trying to say?” Kibum supplied with a soft voice.

 

Jinki raised his eyes and was surprised to see such a hopeful expression on the kid's features. His throat dried at the raw emotions he could see completely exposed in Kibum's expression. It was the first time he could recognize insecurity in the other and it made his heart swell.

 

_Ah, so that's how he felt all this time_ , Jinki realized. Despite his strong personality and his insistence, he had been frightened by the idea that Jinki could be afraid of him, hadn't he?

 

“I'm not afraid of you,” Jinki confirmed, with sincerity, despite feeling quite incredulous himself.

 

His mind had been telling him that Kibum was dangerous every 5 seconds since meeting him, but Jinki didn't seem to be able to take the warning seriously. There were little things that Kibum did that made him feel safe. Even when he gave up his control to give it to Kibum, the latter always either asked permission or gave him a way to escape. Kibum gave him choices. He had from the start. When he had given Jinki his phone number but never contacted Jinki until Jinki himself contacted him; then during their call, when he never forced Jinki to answer; or just a few hours previously, when Kibum had silently asked permission to kiss him and hadn't done it when it hadn't been granted. After that, Kibum had given him a safe word too.

 

Even if the voice in his head kept telling him that he was only being played by the younger, that he was being forced towards a path he would have never even considered if Kibum hadn't pushed him towards it, Jinki couldn't find it in himself to be afraid. Because he had made those choices.

 

Kibum chewed at his lower lips, his eyes brightening. “I'm glad,” he confessed.

 

Jinki stared at Kibum's delighted expression, at his shoulders relaxing and at the little dimple appearing on his left cheek in his effort to conceal his smile, and felt his heart warming. That feeling of being safe and protected he had felt at the pub hadn't been casual, had it? Kibum _really_ trasured him, didn't he?

 

Kibum had his insecurities too and Jinki's stomach fluttered again at the discovery. He realized right then that he wanted to know more about the person in front of him. That he wanted to know everything and feel this happy feeling in his gut for as long as he could, because he had forgotten how it felt.

 

(Because he had thought for a long time that he would never feel it again.)

 

“Why are you in Seoul?” Jinki asked then.

 

“I went for 6 months in America to study last year and met Miya there by chance. She goes to the States continuously for work and she has friends of all kinds. She was the one who introduced me to the gay community there, and when I came back to Korea... well, I couldn't fit in Daegu anymore. After coming out to my family and listening to my grandma go _'I knew it already, why that guilty face'_ ,” he chuckled at the memory. “Miya offered me this apartment. I was going to come to Seoul for university anyway, so there was nothing stopping me. I didn't have friends I was reluctant to leave either,” he shrugged.

 

“Do you like it here, then?”

 

Kibum hummed and nodded, before stretching the hand that was holding the banana milk out towards the elder.

 

“Want to drink this?”

 

Jinki crossed the room hesitantly to take it and Kibum opened his bottle of blueberries juice and started to sip at it. Jinki imitated him soon, enjoying the familiar taste.

 

Just then it occurred to him that Kibum had offered him his favorite drink and he frowned at the little bottle in his hand.

 

“How...?”

 

“You always go to the 7-Eleven in front of Miya's and buy a lot of these, I just figured that you like it.”

 

Jinki paused for a second to look at Kibum with a contemplative expression. “I do,” he confirmed then. “You really know a lot about me, don't you?”

 

Kibum smiled a little and put his juice on the table before stretching with his hands held up high, reminding Jinki of a cat while walking to the sofa. He threw himself on it, rested on a side and patted the space close to his stomach. “If you want me to tell you the whole story, I'm gonna ask for cuddles for compensation.”

 

Jinki's lips parted, but nothing came out of his mouth. He blushed and Kibum patted on the sofa again.

 

Jinki struggled with himself a little more, before sighing and leaving his still half full banana milk on the table and go sit on the sofa. Did banana milk have alcohol in it? Or was his last cocktail still confusing him? Or maybe he was still in post-coital bliss...? The idea brought back memories and the feelings of hands on his skin, and Jinki felt his stomach warm, but ignored it.

 

As soon as he was settled down, Kibum's arms embraced his waist and Jinki turned to his left, where Kibum's head rested on a cushion. The kid had his eyes closed and his silky black hair looked soft and smooth. Jinki noticed only then, in the comfortable atmosphere, that Kibum had some eye makeup on too.

 

The kid took one of Jinki's hands and brought it to his head. He started stroking his hair with Jinki's hand and kept doing it until the elder got the hint and continued on his own accord. A low sound, similar to a cat purr, came out of Kibum's throat then and Jinki stared, fascinated.

 

(He wondered if that was how it felt to domesticate a tiger.)

 

Kibum closed his eyes and Jinki kept stroking his hair delicately. Sometimes he would brush Kibum's ear accidentally and feel him shiver against his back. It seemed like it was a sensitive point for the younger.

 

Jinki licked his lips and felt his heartbeat increasing. It was the first time he had the possibility to touch Kibum like this. It was strange and Jinki felt almost like a criminal while doing it, but still couldn't help wanting to learn more.

 

His fingers traced delicately Kibum's ear purposely this time, before proceeding lower and caress his neck. He drew pointless patterns on the pale skin, and goosebumps rose on the kid's arms.

 

Kibum slowly raised his eyelids and Jinki sucked a breath in when he found them glazed over and dark.

 

His movements stopped and he retracted his hand, suddenly feeling shy. What was he even doing?

 

“S-sorry,” he stuttered.

 

Kibum didn't seem to appreciate the pause. He took Jinki's hand again and put it back on his neck.

 

“Go on,” he intimated, with a low and hoarse voice. Jinki's cheeks warmed but he still complied, starting to delicately draw patterns on his skin again.

 

Kibum sighed, relaxed, and closed his eyes one more time.

 

“Me and Sun Young noona attended a lot of Jjong's performances together in the past,” he started after a minute or so. The tone of his voice gave Jinki the impression that the kid was going to fall asleep any minute now.

 

Jinki scratched slightly at Kibum's nape and the younger moistened his lips before going on.

 

“Every time we went out to see one of Jjong's performances, she would drink a little more than she should and tell me something about you. I knew a lot even before meeting you.” Jinki kept listening, his fingers massaging behind Kibum's ear on their own accord. “I have a strong memory. I tend to remember everything people tell me and all the faces of people I see. It was because of your pictures together with noona that I could recognize you at Miya's, weeks later. At the beginning I was only curious to know if the person she spoke so fondly about was really so special. I watched you secretly for a while and thought _'ah, she was right, he really has a beautiful smile'_ ,” he smiled and Jinki traced his high cheekbone with his fingertips, his heart beating a little faster in his chest. Kibum leaned in the touch and Jinki bit his lip. 

 

“It wasn't anything stronger than that,” Kibum continued. His words were barely a murmur now, a lazy and relaxed sound. “I just genuinely liked your smile. But liking your smile made me wonder if all the other things noona said about you were true too. If your voice sounded like honey... if you tripped easily... if you were nice to elderly people and awkward with kids. You just kept coming back, and confirming things I already knew before discovering more about you, noticing things about you I'm not sure noona is aware about.”

 

“What new things did you notice?” Jinki asked.

 

“That you were conscious of me,” he whispered. Then, he opened his eyes and stared right in front of him.

 

Jinki didn't think much of it at first and brushed Kibum's hair away from his forehead, expecting him to go on. But then his hands started sweating and his body felt hot. He fidgeted on the spot before turning to look where Kibum was looking and gasped at what he found there.

 

There was a mirror in front of the sofa, right beside the entrance, that he hadn't noticed before. Kibum smiled at him through it.

 

“That you squirmed when I looked at you for longer than five seconds, even if I was far away and you didn't know where the stare came from.”

 

Jinki stared back but didn't say a word.

 

“And that when I wasn't looking you would search for me and glare until I would look at you again.”

 

Jinki's hands clenched. “That's not true,” he protested. “I only wanted you to stop.”

 

“Is that why you came back every day despite knowing I'll be there?”

 

Silence fell between them, and Jinki diverted his eyes.

 

Had that been the reason? Had he craved for Kibum's attention all along?

 

“I-I would never. T-that's not possible. I made a promise to myself, there's no way I would... I would... Not that soon...!” Jinki's words died in his throat.

 

But he had, hadn't he? In the past month he had let Kibum do whatever he wanted to him, he had let Kibum push him towards the edge. He had  _ let _ Kibum. Telling himself that it was Kibum's fault,  _he_ had  _let_ Kibum. 

 

“When I spoke to you the first time and you told me off, your words were cold but your eyes were hurting. You didn't really want to tell me all that, did you? After that day I couldn't shake off the feeling that you had been silently screaming at me to help you. Even if sometimes you speak like you hate homosexuals, you don't behave in homophobic ways. It's almost like you have to remind yourself that you hate them...”

 

Jinki could only keep staring at the ground, his heart beating fast in his rib cage.

 

Had he wanted this? Had he wanted out? After all these years? After all this time? Despite knowing what had happened in the past? Was it possible that he had forgotten already? That he had forgiven? But it wasn't like that. He knew he couldn't forgive Chang Sun, the best friend who had betrayed him during his last days of high school. That had gotten him expelled, beaten up and sent to military service. He had ruined all his plans for the future and his family too, there was no way he had forgiven him, so why would he purposely get close to Kibum? Why, when he had been avoiding to get close to other males for so long? What was so different about Kibum from all the other boys he had met in the past 6 years?

 

Looking back at Kibum, who was worriedly eyeing him, he suddenly realized that he looked young. That Kibum _was_ young. That today he was wearing ear piercings but they had never been there before, because he had never seen Kibum in anything but his school uniform. Kibum was eighteen. He was the same age he had been back then.

 

Kibum's expression fell and Jinki knew that horror probably showed on his own face. The kid sat up and took Jinki's face between his hands gently.

 

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

 

Was that why? Was that why nobody else had been right? Because nobody else had still been in their high school uniforms?

 

“Hyung?”

 

Had he wanted revenge all along?

 

“I'm sorry...” Jinki breathed out in utter shock.

 

“What. Why? What are you apologizing for, hyung?”

 

Kibum was searching for his eyes but even if Jinki was looking at him he couldn't focus. His head was retracing everything that had happened since he had met Kibum and panic was taking the better of him. He grabbed one of Kibum's wrist and shook his head, shutting his eyes.

 

Kibum made him raise his head again, while Jinki struggled to escape Kibum's grip but the other wasn't letting him go and Jinki knew he was saying something, but couldn't hear it.

 

There was only the sound of lips parting and pressing back together. Panted names.

 

The door of the classroom opening, gasps, and Chang Sun voice.

 

_Help me. He attacked me, he tried to rape me!_

 

Then pain. Stench of piss. A dark stain on a pretty Monet.

 

_You lied to me, Jinki. You really are disgusting._

 

What was he trying to do now? Was he trying to hurt Kibum like Chang Sun had hurt him? Why was he here? Why was he her-

 

Jinki could taste his salty tears where his lips met Kibum's. Jinki gripped at Kibum's wrist, gasping at the sudden contact and struggling when their tongues mingled together.

 

No, it wasn't right. He had to leave. He had to leave before he hurt Kibum. Kibum was only an high schooler, he had to leave...

 

Jinki pushed Kibum away with force he didn't know he had in himself and panted with his eyes completely blurred. Kibum tried to reach to him again, with a worried expression, but Jinki put a hand between them.

 

“Red...!” Jinki pleaded. “Red,” he repeated.

 

Kibum froze and retracted his hands, putting space between them. The dejected expression on his face made Jinki sob in guilt and when Kibum said sorry, Jinki bent over and puked.

 

“Hyung!”

 

The last thing Jinki could remember thinking was that he was glad that there wasn't carpeting on the floor.

 

•••

 

When he woke again he didn't recognize the room he was in and for a moment he stared at the messy desk at his left, full of text and notebooks, thinking that he really didn't want to go to school today.

 

He then moved his eyes to the clothes piled up on the chair at the desk and saw a black sweater with Bart Simpson prints on it. He frowned. He would never wear something like that.

 

Jinki rubbed his eyes, confused, and only then did the memories come back to him, making his head spin for a moment with the over drive of information.

 

He grunted, hid under the covers, and pulled them over his head, trying to calm his increasing heartbeat down. He didn't want to deal with any of this, he wasn't ready to deal with it. He wanted to go back to the confusing state he was in just a few seconds ago. But he couldn't, could he?

 

The blankets smelled of Kibum. His scent was everywhere around Jinki and he inhaled it, closing himself up further.

 

He had to go.

 

He knew he had to go, but Kibum's scent... Kibum's scent...

 

He got up abruptly, trembling a bit at the cold temperature. He found a pair of slippers at the side of the bed and stopped to look at them. Kibum had left them for him, hadn't he? He felt his heart ache but ignored it.

 

How long had he been out? Considering the full moon he could see from outside the window, it was still the middle of the night.

 

He thought of excuses to stay but this was getting out of hand. He was in no control of himself and his emotions around Kibum and even if _something_ in him seemed to crave for Kibum, his voice, his hands, his scent – Jinki clenched his hands, forcing himself not to turn around and bring Kibum's blankets to his face to inhale one last time – Jinki needed to clear his head. He needed to understand what he really wanted first.

 

He found Kibum asleep on the couch when he left the room, but didn't spare him more than a hurt glance.

 

Despite seeing him only for a split second, the image of Kibum with his eyes closed and lips slightly parted, illuminated only by the moonlight, was left burned in his mind.

 

He left before the longing could stop him.

 

•••

 

Kibum brought an arm over his eyes as soon as the entrance door closed behind Jinki.

 

He wasn't going to see Jinki ever again, was he?

 

•••

 

When Jinki showed up in front of his parents at three in the morning, they only exchanged a look, but didn't question him. Jinki was thankful that he didn't have to answer.

 

•••

 

Minho noticed that his best friend was behaving odd almost immediately, but didn't say anything to him as long as they were in public. Kibum was evidently trying to hide it, and he hated to make a fuss over his problems when other people were around. He patiently waited until they were alone and far from other's eyes, but as soon as he opened his mouth to ask, Kibum got closer and placed his chin on his shoulder. That was the sign.

 

Kibum never asked out loud for comfort, never admitted he needed it, he wasn't one for skinship, but when he rested his chin on Minho's shoulder, Minho knew what it meant.

 

Without a word Minho embraced his best friend and patted him on the back.

 

Kibum sighed and relaxed in the hug, but never parted his lips to tell him what was bothering him.

 

•••

 

He was back home because he didn't want to see Kibum. He didn't want to hurt him. He wasn't going to have his revenge on an innocent.

 

But if revenge had been his goal all along, was the longing supposed to hurt so much?

 

Jinki circled his knees with his arms and closed himself up, hoping that his stomach would stop hurting.

 

•••

 

Minho looked at the bright red '25' mark on his best friend's test and sighed.

 

•••

 

It had been a month, but Jinki still jumped every time his phone display lit up. He would get rigid and bite his bottom lip, before checking who was calling, or who had written.

 

Jinki's parents were getting worried at how many times they had seen his nervous but hopeful face fall.

 

•••

 

Minho waved a hand before his best friend's face. Kibum didn't move his eyes nor acknowledge the movement, but kept staring at a blank spot on the library desk, barely holding onto his pen.

 

Minho turned to look at Taemin, who had just arrived, and shook his head.

 

“He's been like this since Christmas. He won't tell me what's wrong...”

 

Both of them looked back at Kibum, who hadn't moved an inch, nor acknowledged Taemin's presence.

 

It didn't happen often, but sometimes, when Kibum was alone with Minho he would just... leave. His mind would be somewhere completely different, his eyes unfocused. He could keep staring at one point only for hours. Occasionally, he would murmur something along the lines of 'if only I...' or 'why did I do that', but when asked about it Kibum would lie, say that he was thinking about how much better he could have answered some questions in the last test they had and that he had failed. Honestly, it wasn't a bad lie. His results had reached the bottom in the last month, so everyone else had no problems believing him, but Minho knew better.

 

“Should we ask Jonghyun-hyung if he knows anything? If I remember correctly, Kibum-hyung went to see him performing on Christmas Eve...”

 

Minho's frown deepened. “I hate to even think about contacting him,” he commented, but then looked back at his friend. He knew that Kibum was too stubborn to spill the beans. If it was about something important, something he blamed himself for, he would go on putting himself down over and over in silence, by himself, to the point of getting sick. Minho was his best friend, he had to help. He had respected Kibum's wish for the past month, hoping that his friend would eventually get over it by himself like he always did, but it had been too long. “But I'll do it,” he concluded, then.

 

Minho softly apologized to his best friend, before snatching Kibum's phone from the table and getting up. Kibum was still completely out of it.

 

“I'm gonna go out to call, you stay here with him, okay?”

 

Taemin nodded and sat where Minho had been, while the other exited the library and found a private spot to make the call.

 

He typed the password he knew all too well in the phone before searching for Jonghyun's number. While skimming down all the names in the addresses book, he noticed a number saved as _'Old Man'_ , and stopped for a second. Where had he heard that again?

 

Unable to recall where it was from, he went on searching for Jonghyun's number, reminding himself to ask Kibum later about it.

 

When he found the number he was searching for saved as “Jjong”, he immediately made the call.

 

Jonghyun picked up after the third ring, and answered with a sleepy voice. “Bum-ah... Finally starting to miss me?”

 

Minho felt like punching the other in the face and he wasn't even 3 seconds into the call.

 

“Is this Kim Jonghyun? I'm Choi Minho, Kibum's best friend.”

 

“Oh. A-ah, sor- Yes, It's Jonghyun speaking, did something happen to Kibum?”

 

The worried and more alert tone coming from Jonghyun helped Minho calm down and get back to serious business.

 

“Actually, yes. Kibum has been behaving strangely since Chistmas and I wondered if you knew anything about it...”

 

“Strangly?”

 

“Yeah, strangly,” he cut short. What if Jonghyun was the cause of it? He wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of knowing that Kibum was depressed over it.

 

“... I see,” Jonghyun answered awkwardly. “I'm sorry but I don't think I know what caused him to behave _strangly_ ,” he put emphasis on the word and Minho felt like punching him again. “He hasn't contacted me at all in the past month. That _is_ kind of strange, actually. I'm not sure what could have happened, though. It's true that he came to watch my performance on Christmas Eve, but when I spoke to him he seemed normal? He left half way though, so I don't know what happened after that.”

 

“He left?”

 

“Yeah, it seems like Jinki-hyung wasn't feeling well and Kibum offered to take him home.”

 

“Wait. Jinki-hyung?” The face of a man he had seen at Miya's flashed in Minho's mind and his breath caught for a moment. He remembered Kibum being strangely interested in that person and introducing himself at Miya's one day, but the man had been an asshole about it and had immediately rejected his advances... hadn't he?

 

Thinking about it, wasn't 'Old Man' how Kibum used to call that man?

 

“Yeah, I think Kibum knows him? Well, we all know him because Sun Young-noona–“

 

Minho hung up without needing to listen further and immediately went back to the addresses book to call the number saved as 'Old Man'.

 

He waited nervously for the call to connect when a woman answered, Minho's grip on the phone tightened, his mind imagining the worst case scenario.

 

“Is this Lee Jinki's phone?” he asked, with an hard tone.

 

“Oh, yes! My son has left his phone home and he's currently not here,” the woman answered, and Minho's shoulders relaxed. Only his mother, uh? “Who am I speaking with?”

 

Was Kibum's number not saved? What should he answer at this point?

 

“I'm Kim Kibum,” he lied on reflex. “A... friend of your son.”

 

A pause followed and Minho felt his heartbeat increasing. Did he just say something wrong?

 

“A friend? A male friend?” She sounded so incredulous that Minho almost hung up in fear.

 

“Yes...” he answered, instead, swallowing.

 

“Oh, I see...” Another pause. “Should I tell him that you called?”

 

“Ah, no! There's no need... I just- Just wanted to check if he was feeling any better... after Christmas Eve...”

 

The third long pause in the conversation made Minho almost piss himself but he resisted the urge to hang up. It would have been rude towards an elder.

 

“Did something happen on Christmas Eve?”

 

“I-I'm not sure either, he said he wasn't feeling well... I've been worried because I haven't seen him for a while...” he stuttered. Damn, he was an horrible liar. Taemin would have been ten thousand times better at making up a story, seriously.

 

“Are you his lover?”

 

Minho chocked on his own spit. “W-what. N-no! I mean... no. We are just friends!”

 

“My son hasn't had a male friend since high school,” she stated. “I just can't believe that he suddenly got a new one, unless...” her voice trailed off and Minho blushed at the implication. This was definitely his punishment for putting his nose where he shouldn't. “I don't mind if you are his lover, don't take me wrong. Actually, it would make me happy if you were.”

 

Was Jinki's mom saying that she wanted her son to be homosexual? Did that even make sense?

 

“Sorry?” Minho clearly remembered Jinki rejecting Kibum by mentioning his best friend's sexuality, there was no way that person would be-

 

“My son has suffered enough... I wish he would love again and stop blaming himself for everything that has happened in the past. It has never been his fault.” The shaky and emotional voice on the other line of the phone made Minho feel very bad about the call. What was he even doing, lying to a worried mother? What if he made things worse? “If you aren't his lover, do you perhaps like him?”

 

Minho fidgeted on the spot, feeling trapped. What now? What should he answer?

 

His long pause seemed to be taken as a yes and Jinki's mother went on.

 

“Please, don't give up on him,” she pleaded. “Even if he pushes you away, don't give up. He's been on edge since Christmas Eve. I've tried asking him what's wrong with no results, but something happened, didn't it? He's been staying home since then, when it's so far away from his university, it just doesn't make sense. He stares at his phone everyday intensely, waiting for God knows what. Today he left it home because I made him notice and he snapped. He was waiting for you to call, wasn't he? He would never call by his own will, it goes against how he's been living the last 6 years, but it doesn't mean that he doesn't care, so please don't give up on my son.”

 

Minho trembled from guilt. He didn't know what he had just heard about, but whatever it was, he needed to remember every word and pass it on Kibum, because he was now sure that this is what his best friend's condition was about. He thought about what Kibum would have answered and took a deep breath.

 

“I won't,” he promised.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Minho hung up only then and froze when he turned around and saw Kibum right there, looking at him with the darkest glare he had ever seen on his best friend. Taemin was right next to him, spelling 'sorry' with his lips.

 

“What the fuck do you think you're doing, Choi Minho?”

 

•••

 

 

Jinki woke up bathed in sweat, his breath coming in sharp and fast, his toes curled but his boxers dry, a part from a damp spot where precome had gathered.

 

It was always the same dream. The same _memory_. The bathroom stall. The muffled music. The heavy breathing. The grunts and the moans. _His_ hands. _His_ voice. _His_ erection rubbing between his ass cheeks. _His_ tongue running on his inner thigh. The sloppy and dirty kisses.

 

It came back every night, but Jinki always woke up before coming, his balls hurting more and more every night.

 

He winced when he tried to move his legs from the awkward position he was in. It hurt, but he couldn't help chewing on his bottom lip, feeling his stomach contracting in bliss.

 

He always spent the rest of his nights shifting his legs so that they somehow caressed his sensitive skin without ever touching himself to completion, but that day he didn't fall asleep again exhausted as per usual.

 

Even after hours, adrenaline kept pumping in his veins and his groin tingled in need painfully. It wasn't only his cock, it was every inch of his skin.

 

Jinki had goosebumps on his whole body, despite sweating under the blankets. The more time passed, the more he felt like a fish outside water. His body was arching and shifting on its own accord, seeking relief. His nipples were hard and only got more sensitive when his shirt brushed against them, barely making him suppress a moan. Pre-come kept leaking copiously from the head of his erection.

 

Even if his mind was too tired to provide suggestive images anymore, Jinki's body seemed to remember every touch, every fingertip running on heated skin. It was making him arch and his hands grip the blankets of his bed, his voice coming out in pitiful whimpers and needy suppressed moans.

 

He had decided back after the first dream that he wouldn't touch himself after remembering that night, out of respect, or guilt or denial. He couldn't remember. The tiny shocks of pleasure coming from all over his sensitive body were shutting his mind off completely. He couldn't resist anymore.

 

He realized that he had his face pressed in the pillow and was humping the mattress only when his loud moan was suppressed by the fabric.

 

It hurt. His cock hurt so bad but it felt so good, Jinki couldn't help crying out, moving his hips in circular motions and then in more erratic thrusts.

 

He felt shame fill his cheeks red, but didn't stop. Couldn't stop. He was so close... just a little more... more...

 

He knew he was right on the edge, he could taste the pleasure on his tongue, just a little further... a little more...

 

Jinki whined, feeling like he would go crazy.

 

He was so close, he was right there, so why couldn't he cross the line? He needed it so bad, there was nothing stopping him, but somehow it wasn't enough. Something wasn't right.

 

He thrust onto his mattress again, more insistently, hoping to reach the peak. The pleasure, the burning of his skin, the moaning and the need increased, but despite the minutes passing, he couldn't have more than that.

 

Tears of frustration gathered in his eyes.

 

Why wasn't it working? Why wouldn't he come when his whole being ached for it so bad? Why, when Kibum didn't even need to touch him to make him go over the ed-

 

His eyes opened in realization, and when he saw his own hands tightly gripping at the blankets like they had _that_ day, in his other bed, his head filled of Kibum's low voice.

 

_Do you want to come, hyung?_

 

“ _Nghhh-_ ” Jinki shook his head, biting hard on his lip and making it bleed. He couldn't believe it. It couldn't be true. It wasn't that. It wasn't-

 

_Hyung..._

 

Jinki arched, hissing through his teeth, tears rolling down his face.

 

_Come._

 

The reaction was immediate.

His whole body shook and he was coming. His cock sprouting cum in thick waves all over his bed, his hand, his stomach, almost reaching his pillow.

 

When Jinki started feeling his body again, he had collapsed on the bed, right on his cum stains.

 

He felt more tears spilling from his eyes and his mind started racing, his stomach contracting in utter shame and regret, but then Kibum's shooting voice filled his mind again.

 

_You did well, hyung._

 

His breathing calmed down, his whole body relaxed in post-coital bliss.

 

Before he could analyze it, he was asleep.

 

_Goodnight._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me for cutting the chapter right here. I know it's a shitty point in the story, but I couldn't do otherwise X'D Good news is the next chapter is more than half done so it won't take me a month to post it OTL (I'm sorry I'm such a slow writer sobs). I'm just gonna thank squireconrad again, because she's an angel and she's basically a co-author more than a beta-reader by now, this story wouldn't be the same without her ;W; ♥


	4. Part IV

Kibum took a deep breath, eyeing the sign in front of him. It said 'Lee's Chicken Restaurant'.

 

He had been thinking about it for days, before deciding to come here.

 

Thanks to Taemin's mediation, Kibum had been able to hear what Minho had to say to defend himself before hitting him square in the face, and his friend had managed to survive Kibum's fury by buying him a pair of jeans he had wanted for a long time. Kibum hadn't forgiven him, but he was secretly thankful.

 

In the past month he hadn't been able to bring himself to call nor text Jinki again. After Jinki had used his safe word, recoiled and then left the apartment without a word, Kibum had only been able to read his actions in one way: rejection.

 

Kibum had only been able to blame himself for everything he had done to the elder.

 

He had suspected for a long time that Jinki was hiding some sort of trauma and he had naively thought that he could help Jinki overcome it, that Jinki only needed a little push, that he would eventually tell his story and get over it, but he hadn't been able to stop his feelings from overflowing. When he was with Jinki – when Jinki looked at him with those pleading eyes, when he tried so hard to avoid him while his body disobeyed and beckoned Kibum closer – he had an hard time reminding himself to think. Jinki reactions brought out a side of Kibum that he had wanted to explore for a long time but he had never found the right partner to do that with.

 

Even Jonghyun, who had been so open to experimenting, hadn't been able to understand Kibum's tendencies. The worst thing had been realizing too late that Jonghyun had fallen love with him when his own feelings hadn't developed at all. Jonghyun had been the one to notice that he was interested in Jinki, even if hadn't known who Jinki was. One day he had looked at him and asked: _“Who are you thinking about, Bum?”_ and it had dawned on Kibum. After that, continuing his _experiemnting_ with Jonghyun had been impossible and they naturally parted, never speaking of Jonghyun's feeling for him.

 

Jinki was different. He really _liked_ Jinki. In an agonizingly hungry way. He wanted to shoote the elder and ravage him at the same time when they were together. His need to touch the other and ask more from him was so unbearable, despite how much his head screamed at him to slow down, to do things properly, to stick to a logical order. Because Jinki was scared and he was going to make him flee eventually. When Jinki had left for real, he had regretted everything to the pont of feeling sick when he looked at himself in the mirror.

 

Minho calling Jinki and having his mom tell him reveal those little things had made him hope again. At the same time, though, he had wondered if it was right to insist. Wasn't he going to break Jinki further? But, if what Jinki's mom had said was true, if it was true that Jinki still waited for him in any way or form, then maybe not everything was lost? Maybe disappearing from his life would be what would definitely break him? Or perhaps that was only his wishful thinking.

 

He had been dwelling on it for a week long before Minho had had enough of it and told him that it was creepy to see him so insecure. _'I've promised for you, so go there and take responsibility for me'_ , so he had said. Kibum still didn't know if he felt more like punching him or hugging him for that.

 

He had asked Sun Young-noona to tell him where he could find Jinki, inventing some petty excuse when she had asked why he needed to see him. Kibum didn't know if Sun Young had believed him (he had a feeling that she was suspicious him) but she had given him the adress anyway and now he was here.

 

Kibum took another deep breath and finally entered the restaurant.

 

It was still early in the afternoon so the few customers inside were mostly people lingering lazily after lunch. He fixed the strap of his back pack, hanging from one of his shoulder and walked further in, towards the counter.

 

A woman with a bright smile welcomed him and Kibum thought that it was the same as Jinki's. That's how he knew he was in front of Jinki's mom.

 

“Are you alone?” she asked politely.

 

Kibum bowed with his cheeks tinted bright red. “I'm Kim Kibum, ma'am,” he announced.

 

He couldn't see Jinki's mom expression, but he could feel the stare, and could picture the shock on her face.

 

“Oh,” she breathed out after a long pause. She suddenly got close to him and urged him to stand properly, with a smile. “I'm glad to finally meet you, Kibum-ah. Are you here for Jinki?”

 

Kibum got redder at the warm expression on her face and nodded.

 

Her smile just got brighter, before a light frown could take over her features. “Your voice sounds really different on the phone, you know?”

 

Kibum thought he would die right then.

 

“You're younger than I had imagined, and so handsome!” she complimented. Her smile was back on her face. “I see Jinki inherited my good taste.”

 

Kibum smiled back awkwardly, feeling even his toes go aflame in embarrassment.

 

He hadn't thought about it before coming; he had just been eager to see Jinki again when he had left in the middle of his school period and came here, but now that he was in front of Jinki's mother, he whished he had thought ahead and hadn't shown up in his school uniform. He had just blatantly revealed to Jinki's mom that a minor was hitting on her son. He didn't know how happy the woman could be about it, even if she wasn't commenting on it.

 

“Now, now, _yobo_! Don't you see you're making him uncomfortable?” A skinny man with black short hair walked over while cleaning his hands on the apron he was wearing. He looked around his fifties and had a comfortable and easy going aura around him. “Don't scare Jinki's _friend_ off,” he winked at Kibum, who hoped a black hole could suck him up right then, and Jinki's mother snorted.

 

“Look at who's talking,” she commented.

 

The man shrugged and looked at Kibum with a big smile. “Here to see my son, huh?”

 

“I've asked him that already, yobo.”

 

“I just wanted to be sure. You don't see handsome men asking for Jinki very often, it still looks surreal to me!”

 

“I know what you mean, how long has it been?” she retorted, while resting her head on her hand and staring dreamily at Kibum, who could only fidget on the spot.

 

It was then that someone grabbed his wrist and Kibum looked to his side, shocked to see Jinki right there, glaring at his parents, who just smiled at him.

 

Jinki didn't exchange even a look with Kibum, before dragging him away. Jinki's parents followed them to the bottom of the stairs that led to the second floor.

 

Kibum tried to bow one last time towards them, before being dragged upstairs.

 

“We'll be busy _all day long_ , Jinki-ya! Be sure to welcome our guest properly!” Jinki's mom yelled after them. Jinki's dad winked at Kibum again and Jinki grunted, before shutting the door behind them.

 

After a moment of silence between them, and Jinki still stubbornly looking away, Kibum couldn't help having a laughing fit.

 

Jinki jumped at the sound. “What?”

 

“That has to be my most embarrassing experience ever,” he laughed. “Thank you for saving me, I don't know if I could have become any redder without exploding.”

 

Jinki grunted again. “They aren't usually _that_ embarrassing,” he stated, scrunching his nose. “I know they did it on purpose to make me come out,” he mumbled.

 

“Huh?”

 

“Nothing,” Jinki mumbled, before leaving his slippers at the entrance and walking further into the house, towards the kitchen.

 

Kibum looked around for a second, let his backpack fall to the ground, then took of his shoes off to follow Jinki inside. The awarness that Jinki and he were alone in the house made his heart sped up a little.

 

When he reached Jinki in the kitchen, he found a glass of water on the dining table. Jinki was putting the water carafe back in the fridge, still stubbornly looking away.

 

“We don't have anything else, sorry. If you want I can go downstairs and take something from the restaurant.”

 

Kibum stared at Jinki's back when the fridge door closed and the elder didn't turn around. “Water is okay,” he answered, but didn't take the glass.

 

Jinki could feel Kibum's eyes staring at the back of his head and his hand that was still grabbing the fridge handle, clenched around it, his whole body going aflame.

 

He felt dizzy.

 

Kibum's presence seemed 3 times stronger than usual and they had yet to even look each other in the eyes.

 

Jinki shut his eyes closed and resisted the urge to shiver. “Why are you here,” he asked then. It didn't come out as a question, his voice way too breathy to be controlled. He bit onto his bottom lip.

 

No answer came.

 

Jinki tried to calmly breathe out, but his heart was beating wildly and the pressure seemed to increase exponentially for every passing second. “ Forget I asked. I saw the call on my phone. I don't know what mom told you, but I can imagine...”

 

“She didn't seem bothered...” Kibum commented.

 

“By what? The fact that you're a male?” Jinki bit out.

 

“The fact that I'm an high schooler.”

 

The elder's breath caught but he didn't answer. He kept still (as still as he could) and waited, hoping that Kibum wouldn't pry further.

 

“You told me that you weren't afraid of me, but you are, aren't you?” Kibum's voice sounded low and hurt when he finally spoke, and Jinki opened his eyes in surprise.

 

“I-I'm--- I'm not afraid of you. What are you even talking about.”

 

“You're shaking, hyung,” Kibum stated.

 

“I'm not,” Jinki answered stubbornly.

 

He was.

 

Jinki heard footsteps and then Kibum's warm presence was right behind him. Looking at the ground, just one step away from him, he could see Kibum's socks. They had little UFO prints. Jinki ended up shivering despite the brief amused smile that appeared on his face, memories of Kibum pressing against his back in a bathroom stall too strong and vivid to push them away.

 

“Turn around,” Kibum ordered with a soft voice.

 

Jinki's grip on the fridge handle tightened, but he complied after a moment of hesitation. His eyes rose from the floor slowly, but stopped before they could reach Kibum's gaze.

 

(Jinki couldn't understand how Kibum's lips could always be colored with that inviting shade of pink.)

 

His hands wandered, searching for something to hold onto now that he had left the fridge handle, but in absence of anything else they settled for grasping each other awkwardly between him and Kibum.

 

“Done,” he announced, way too proud of himself.

 

“Can you look at me in the eyes, now?”

 

(Jinki took a second too long to understand the question, mesmerized but how Kibum's lips had moved.)

 

Reluctantly, his eyes rose and met Kibum's.

 

His whole body grew hot in a fraction of second and his breathing picked up pace.

 

Kibum didn't miss the reaction and his eyes darkened, making Jinki's need crawl all over his skin in tiny little shivers.

 

“Still shaking...” Kibum commented in a low voice. His tone was different from before. There was a question within it. Kibum was asking _why._

 

“I'm not afraid of you,” Jinki repeated. “T-this... I...” Jinki closed his eyes and took a deep breath, annoyed with his own shaky voice. When he opened them again he said everything he wanted to say before his voice could break again. “I trust you.”

 

Doubt flashed in Kibum's eyes and he took a step closer, making Jinki instinctively step back. His back pressed into the fridge door.

 

“How?” Kibum asked, his eyes searching and penetrating.

 

Kibum's scent was suddenly all around Jinki and he reached out for the younger, grabbing his shirt with a hand to ground himself.

 

Kibum's eyes followed the movement, before going back to analyze Jinki's expression.

 

Jinki opened his hand on Kibum's chest, completely fascinated, and slightly moved his fingers, causing them to brush one of Kibum's nipple. It hardened under his fingers, and Jinki brushed them over it again, causing Kibum to shiver and his eyes to darken further.

 

Kibum brought his hands to both sides of Jinki's head and bent over slightly, so that his face could be right in front of Jinki's. “Jinki,” he called.

 

Jinki moaned.

 

Surprise flashed in Kibum's eyes and Jinki's cheeks colored. The elder looked away, and Kibum took the chance to get closer to his ear.

 

“Jinki,” he breathed into it.

 

Jinki shook and both his hands grabbed Kibum's shirt. He wasn't sure if he was doing it to prevent himself from dropping on the floor, or if it was to push Kibum away, or, on the contrary, to pull him closer.

 

“You like it,” Kibum stated. The smile in his voice didn't go unnoticed. “Jinki,” he repeated, his voice low and seductive.

 

Jinki shut his eyes closed and his cock swelled. He wanted to tell him to stop, but his lips wouldn't part, afraid that a moan would escape them instead.

 

Kibum blew some air softly down Jinki's exposed neck and the older couldn't help crying out, goosebumps appearing all over his skin.

 

“Answer me, Jinki,” Kibum reminded him, speaking so that his lips were close enough to his skin for Jinki to feel their warmth but far enough not to touch.

 

“W-what,” Jinki asked, unable to recall the question.

 

Kibum withdrew enough for Jinki to remember to breathe.

 

“Last time I saw you, you used your safe word, puked on the floor and fainted,” he started again, his voice sounding serious and worried now. “Then, after waking up, you just left without a word. You say you trust me, that you aren't afraid of me. So then tell me, Jinki, if it's not me, then what is it that you're afraid of?”

 

Jinki didn't even need to process everything that had been said to him, before the answer left his lips. A guilty whisper in the silence: “Me.”

 

Kibum stared.

 

Jinki shut his eyes closed. “I don't know what I want yet, Kibum. I'm afraid of what I want, why I want it, what it means. What if I was searching for revenge? What if it's you and not someone else just because you're still wearing your school uniform and I've never had the chance to have closure with what happened to me in high school? What if I was trying to _hurt_ you?” Jinki turned towards Kibum and they locked eyes. Jinki's were bright. “What if I was really such a disgusting human being?”

 

Kibum's expression hardened right then. “Who told you you were disgusting,” it wasn't even a question.

 

Jinki shook his head. “That's not the poin-”

 

Kibum grabbed the jacket of his high school uniform. “Is this uniform the problem, Jinki?”

 

“I don't know...”

 

“You think you're searching for revenge through me? You think you want to hurt me? Then try.”

 

“W-what are you talking about?”

 

“I'm giving you permission to let go, Jinki. Stop thinking, stop feeling guilty over the past or over a future that hasn't happened yet. I'm not gonna let you hurt me, so let go.”

 

Jinki stared, dumbfounded. “I-.. I don't know-- What am I supposed to do?”

 

“Whatever you're doing now,” Kibum pointedly brushed his fingers over Jinki's hand on his chest and the elder felt warmth spread in his stomach. What was he even doing with that hand? Kibum's nipple was still hard and Jinki could make it out under the kid's shirt.

 

He licked his lips unconsciously.

 

Kibum's voice softened. “I knew from the start that I could get hurt by getting involved with you, Jinki,” he started again. His hand reached Jinki's cheeck and soothingly caressed it. Jinki closed his eyes at the contact and Kibum kissed his eyelids. When Jinki's eyes fluttered open again, Kibum was smiling affectionately at him. Jinki's longing made his stomach churn. “I knew that you could walk away from my life at any minute. For the past month I've asked myself if I had pushed you too far and couldn't bring myself to push you further.”

 

“You didn't!” Jinki exclaimed, feeling anxious. “I just... When I'm around you I can't think straight,” he said softly, looking towards the ground. “I didn't know what I was trying to do with you. I thought that I needed to sort my feelings out before I could hurt you, but couldn't do it when you were around because when you're with me...” Jinki's voice trailed off and his grip on Kibum's shirt tightened. He took a deep breath and opened his hand on Kibum's chest again, so that it could lay flat on it, and stared at it, almost as if he couldn't believe that was his own hand. His hand started rubbing at Kibum's nipple again then, gently at first, but soon getting bolder.

 

“Mhm?” Kibum's low incitement made Jinki chew on his bottom lip.

 

“I...” Jinki's voice was hoarse and he swallowed to clear it. “I don't have control on myself... and I thought it was a bad thing, I thought I had to escape you, so I left... but then you weren't contacting me anymore and...” Jinki's voice broke and Kibum nuzzled him soothingly, cheek against cheek.

 

“I'm sorry,” he whispered.

 

“I thought that you had gotten tired of me,” Jinki continued, his voice getting all the more unstable.

 

“I'm sorry,” Kibum repeated, leaving a chaste kiss on Jinki's temple. Jinki trembled.

 

“A-and it was okay! I kept telling myself that everything could go back like it was before meeting you. Everything could go back to normal...! But...”

 

Jinki pressed his forehead to Kibum's chest, his eyes shut close. He was shaking.

 

“But I couldn't stop thinking about you and missed you and dreamt about you, I thought I would eventually go crazy and it hurt so bad.”

 

Kibum had an hard time letting Jinki go on without crashing him in a tight embrace. He knew it wasn't the time to intervene, though. Jinki had to get it all out by himself.

 

“I'm not afraid of you,” he repeated then, shaking his head on Kibum's chest. “I'm afraid of what I want from you,” he clarified. “I'm afraid because you look at me like I'm precious and beautiful and I'm not...! I'll eventually let you down. I eventually let everyone down, Kibum. I _hurt_ people.”

 

Kibum took Jinki's shoulders and pushed him away enough to be able to look at him in the eyes. They stared at each other, Kibum with his most serious expression and Jinki hurting.

 

“You _are_ precious and beautiful to me, Jinki. You were from day one and I wish you could show every part of yourself to me without holding back. You won't let me down. I know more about you than you wish I knew, don't I?” he smiled comfortingly, before brushing Jinki's hair away from his eyes. “There's no need for you to be afraid. Try to hurt me and let me down all you want, it won't happen. I promise.”

 

Jinki could only keep staring, and Kibum took his hand, kissed it and brought it to his cheek before leaning into it. “Let go, Jinki. You can let go.”

 

Their eyes kept searching for answers in the other's face. Jinki's heart ached, his whole body trembled and when his lips parted, his voice came out in a shy whisper.

 

“Stay still, please.”

 

Kibum smiled shoothingly. “Okay.”

 

Jinki chewed on his bottom lip before bringing himself to finally move. Kibum let his hand go and Jinki cupped the side of the younger's face.

 

He noticed with fascination that his hands looked tiny and that the skin under his fingertips was smooth and clear, almost like a baby's skin.

 

Kibum's eyes closed when Jinki's fingertips started to brush over the curve of his nose, over the edge of his high cheekbones and then experimentally onver slightly parted lips.

 

The urge to see them red and swollen started burning low in Jinki's stomach and he swallowed, proceeding to brush his fingers on the younger's neck. His thumbs lingered and one of them started moving delicately in a circular motion.

 

Kibum's heartbeat was wild under his fingertips and completely betrayed his apparently unaffected stance. Jinki's heart soon started following the same rhythm.

 

The pull he felt towards Kibum was as fascinating as it was frightening.

 

It wasn't like anything he had ever experienced before, and while his hands moved over the younger's broad shoulders, Jinki found himself doubting his own fears.

 

Maybe – he reasoned, his fingers splipping under Kibum's jacket and slowly taking it off while brushing over his thin shirt – the fact that he was still an high schooler did have some kind of importance. But maybe... maybe it wasn't about revenge. Maybe he had been seeking closure all along. Maybe, deep down, he had wished that someone could free that part of himself that had been trapped in the walls of his old high school. Ashamed, alone and hurting.

 

Kibum's jacket fell on the floor and Jinki reached Kibum's left hand, watching their fingers naturally intertwine.

 

Maybe it mattered, because Jinki wished he had had Kibum with him back then. Because Kibum was strong. Because Kibum would have known how to handle it better than he had. Because Kibum would have come out of it with his head held high, that's what Jinki genuinely believed.

 

He raised his head, searching for Kibum's eyes and found them a shade darker than before.

 

Kibum's stare sent all kinds of soft teasing tingles crawling over Jinki's skin and he blushed, diverting his eyes, but taking a step closer, until he could lay his cheek to Kibum's shoulder. He closed his eyes and breathed, his body trembling, his grip on the younger's hand tightening.

 

“Help me,” he whispered.

 

Soft hair tickled his face and warm lips kissed his temple. “Are you sure?”

 

Jinki felt nervousness settle in his stomach, but nodded nonetheless. He was tired and emotionally drained. The past month had been hell and he couldn't even think about repeating it. It was enough. He had had enough.

 

Kibum kissed his ear and then his cheek. Jinki turned his head, absently following the movement, and soon found himself face to face with the other.

 

Kibum's eyes searched his expression for a long moment, before pressing his lips against his forehead too and lingering there.

 

A shaky breath left Jinki's lips.

 

When they parted, a little reassuring smile was pulling at the corners of Kibum's lips and before Jinki could return the smile, Kibum was leaving a tiny peck on his nose tip too. Jinki's face scrunched up funnily and Kibum's smile widened, a little chuckle escaping him.

 

Jinki raised his head from his shoulder and parted his lips to protest but Kibum immediately got closer to him, to the point where Jinki could taste him even if they weren't really touching, and his breath caught.

 

The question was the same it had been on Christmas Eve, but this time Jinki didn't let Kibum move away from his mouth. He closed the distance between them himself and left a long kiss.

 

They separated for second, looked at each other in the eyes, and Kibum closed the distance between them again.

 

Jinki felt the corners of his mouth turn up against Kibum's smile and most of his nervousness disappeared when Kibum started drawing little circles on the hand he was still holding.

 

When Jinki's lips parted slightly, Kibum tugged at his bottom lip before licking it to shoote it.

 

Jinki trembled and his free hand closed around Kibum's right wirst for more support.

 

They separated again for one last meaningful look at eachother, before their tongues met, warm and eager between them.

 

A whine echoed through the room and Jinki was ashamed to recognize his own voice for a second, but then Kibum's tongue was caressing the roof of his mouth and he was moaning, the action making his dick stir.

 

After that, any sound he made mingled with the sound of languid kissing and ragged breathing.

 

Jinki soon found himself completely pressed against the fridge door, their intertwined hands at the side of his head and Kibum's leg between his own. He brought Kibum's right hand to the hem of his shirt himself and arched into the touch when Kibum's hand snuck under his shirt, leaving burining trails all over his stomach and going up towards his chest.

 

He grabbed Kibum's hair and moaned into the kiss, their toungues still sloppily meeting each other.

 

His crotch started aching and before he knew it, he was rubbing on Kibum's thigh, going crazy at the friction.

 

Kibum thrust against him and their kiss broke at Jinki's silent scream. Kibum licked the trail of saliva flowing down to his chin and thrust again, his thumb massaging one of Jinki's nipples under his shirt.

 

Jinki whined, his legs shaking.

 

Kibum attached himself to his exposed neck and started sucking on a sensitive spot, making the elder started chanting his name in a broken voice.

 

“M-more, Kibum mor--- _nhhhgggg!_ ”

 

Kibum rolled their hips languidly together and blew on Jinki's abused neck. He then grabbed the hand that was pulling at his hair and brought both Jinki's hands over his head, pinning them there with only one of his.

 

“What's your safe word, Jinki?”

 

He thrust against Jinki and then rolled his hips, making the older cry out in pleasure and thump his head against the fridge.

 

“K-kibu- _ah...!_ ”

 

Kibum thrust harder and his voice lowered in a commanding tone. “Your safe word, Jinki.”

 

It took a few seconds for the elder to be able to process the request, Kibum's ministrations not helping his brain work at all, but he eventually came up with the answer.

 

“Red...!”

 

Kibum smiled and left a rewarding kiss on his lips. “Good boy,” he cooed softly.

 

The compliment settled warm in Jinki's stomach and he felt good. He felt the need to please the person in front of him makeing his insides churn and he nuzzled into Kibum's cheek with a needy whine.

 

A low chuckle filled the room and then the warmth that had engulfed Jinki up until then was gone.

 

Jinki immediately felt lost and close to freaking out, but Kibum was still holding one of his hands and pulled him from the fridge, before dragging him towards Jinki's bedroom.

 

One moment Jinki was looking at Kibum's wide back and the next moment he was staring at his bedroom ceiling.

 

Kibum straddled him, sitting right on Jinki's thighs, and a smile tugged at the corners of his lips, despite him chewing on the inside of his cheek to make it less obvious.

 

Warmth filled Jinki's cheeks and he scowled. “What are you grinning about?” He panted.

 

“This room is really you,” Kibum commented.

 

“Are you making fun of me?”

 

Kibum laughed sofly out loud and Jinki observed him with a mirroring smile on his face. He hit the younger with a little punch on his arm.

 

“Stop it, there's nothing funny in here.”

 

“Yeah, sorry. It's just that...” Kibum bent and rested his forehead on Jinki's stomach. The vibration of Kibum's suppressed laughter travelled from his shaking shoulders to Jinki's body, tickling him and making him squirm.

 

“Yah, you punk.”

 

Kibum cracked up at Jinki's funny voice, his forehead pressed against Jinki's stomach. Jinki laughed, sensitive, and pulled at the younger's hair to make him stop.

 

The hem of Jinki's shirt naturally pulled up, revealing his navel. Kibum left a lingering kiss there, making Jinki suck a sudden breath in. Kibum left two more before covering Jinki properly again and smiling softly at him, his cheeks bright red.

 

“Your...” Jinki cleared his throat. “Your mood swings are killing me. What just happened?”

 

“I was a bit overwhelmed.”

 

“Because of my room?”

 

Kibum snorted a chuckle. “Because of you, idiot.”

 

“How come I went from hyung to idiot in less than half an hour.”

 

Kibum charmingly smiled and Jinki narrowed his eyes. “Brat.”

 

“Old man.”

 

“Are you trying to pick up a fight? I can show you that this Old Man can wrestle you!”

 

“Is that your weird way of inviting me to tangle in your bed sheets with you?”

 

Kibum's hand stroked his erect cock through his pants and Jinki shut his mouth in shock, feeling his whole face heat up, his neck included. His dick twitched into Kibum's hand.

 

Kibum's eyes were sparkling mischievously. “You're cute.”

 

The elder looked to the side, too embarrassed to look at the other in the eyes. “You're shameless,” he mumbled.

 

Jinki's heart started beating wildly again when he felt Kibum's breath wash over his exposed neck.

 

“You haven't answered my question,” he kissed onto Jinki's skin.

 

Jinki gripped his bed sheet with his hands. “You know I wasn't thinking about that!” he exclaimed in embarrassment, squirming at Kibum's ministrations.

 

Kibum smiled on his skin, and brought his hands to both sides of Jinki's head, before leaving steamy kisses along his jaw. He shuffled from Jinki's thighs to his hips to be more comfortable, and the movement made Jinki moan out loud. His mouth travelled to his chin before reaching Jinki's parted lips.

 

Jinki welcomed the younger's tongue with a little pleased hum before getting completely lost in the kiss and forgetting what they were speaking about in the first place.

 

He gripped Kibum's hair with both his hands and closed his eyes, following the younger's lead and responding to it hungrily.

 

Kibum's taste was addicting. It made his head spin and his whole body throb. He paid attention to Jinki's reactions and played with the information he got, making the elder go crazy. He rubbed their clothed groins together at an agonizingly slow pace, making Jinki bite at his lips into the kiss to suppress needy whines.

 

It felt amazing.

 

Jinki was burning and could only hope for the feeling to drag on as long as possible.

 

The laziness of Kibum's slow movements made him try to press back and roll his hips, seeking release. Kibum let him do so, but made him slow down when Jinki's cock made him forget to kiss back.

 

Jinki's hands clawed at Kibum's back when they separated, and the younger rolled his hips one last time.

 

When Kibum got up from the bed with his lips red and swollen, Jinki whined and looked at him with his eyes glazed and his breath coming and going in heavy pants.

 

“You should see yourself right now,” Kibum panted, his voice hoarse.

 

Jinki swallowed, his body shaking under the black stare that was trailing over his whole body, making him feel completely naked even if he was fully clothed.

 

He wanted to say the same to Kibum, but he didn't have the guts.

 

His eyes travelled from Kibum's lips, down his neck that was slightly covered in sweat, and over his chest, where his shirt hung all wrinkled and untucked from his pants. Jinki unconsciously licked his lips when he went further down and Kibum raised an eyebrow.

 

Jinki watched him walk over to his desk and sit into the computer chair, turning to face him with his legs spread open in front of him.

 

Kibum relaxed in it, and rested one elbow on the desk, his head against the knuckles of his hand and a smirk on his lips.

 

“Earn your reward, Jinki,” he simply said.

 

Jinki recognized that tone and it made him shiver. “What...” He cleared his throat. “What do I have to do?”

 

Kibum's eyes sparkled and swept along his body slowly, making Jinki's cock twitch. “I wonder about that...” Kibum's voice trailed off in a smirk and Jinki's cheeks colored. He shifted on the bed, feeling the need to hide the lower part of his body.

 

Kibum looked at him some more, but Jinki was paralyzed. It was one thing to have Kibum work his magic on him, it was another to be alone in this. Why would Kibum tease him to just move away when everything was going so smoothly? What did he have in mind? Jinki wasn't sure he liked where this was going and Kibum recognized the doubt in his eyes.

 

He brought his free hand to his crotch and started massaging his erection through his pants, trying to lead Jinki in another way.

 

“Imitate me,” he said.

 

Jinki bit onto his lip, observing Kibum's hand stroking himself and took a breath in. He had asked Kibum to help him himself, he couldn't back down, now, could he?

 

He could let go.

 

Kibum had said that he could let go.

 

His hand hesitantly cupped his erection, his eyes never leaving Kibum's. His legs naturally parted to give him more space at the contact. With his head turned towards Kibum, he started massaging his cock through the fabric of his pants chewing on his lip at the sensation.

 

Kibum unbuttoned and unzipped his pants with an elegant movement of his long fingers, while Jinki had to struggle with both hands to do the same. He felt better when the pressure around his cock eased a bit, but his relief was short lieved.

 

Kibum slipped his hands inside his boxers and grabbed his erection, a low grount leaving his throat.

 

The contact of his hot skin with his cold hand made him shiver pleasantly and he stroked himself to full hardness, the head of his cock peeking from the fabric.

 

He moaned loudly when his thumb pressed against the slit and his legs trembled.

 

Jinki's throat dried completely and it took him a full minute of watching Kibum to remember that he should do the same with himself.

 

When he grabbed his own erection in his boxers, he hissed at how sensitive it felt. It was way more swollen than he had ever seen it and--

 

“Nhgg--- _fuck-_ \--”

 

Kibum smirked a little, his toes curling at toes curling at the sound made by the elder. “Feeling good?”

 

Jinki stroked himself faster and roughter, pressing his face into the mattress to suppress his moans. He could see Kibum looking at him hungrily from the corner of his eye and it amplified any sensation he was feeling a thousand times.

 

“Rub your nipple with your free hand,” Kibum ordered then, and Jinki complied. He swept his free hand under his white shirt and soon found the sensitive nub, his cock swelling at the double stimulation.

 

Kibum was blatantly eating him with his eyes now, and Jinki felt good. He felt sexy. Desired. Confidence made him bolder and he took his pants and boxers down to his knees, freeing his erection, even if Kibum hadn't done that before him.

 

He just wanted those eyes all over him.

 

“Ouch, it must have been hard for your ex girlfriends to give that up.” Kibum looked pointedly at Jinki's cock in appreciation and pre-cum gathered at the tip.

 

Kibum's eyes burned on his skin. Between his legs, over his exposed stomach and exposed thighs.

 

“Too clothed,” Kibum deadpanned. “Strip.”

 

Jinki clumsily kicked his pants and boxers away from his legs, letting them pool at his feet, together with his socks, that came off in the process.

 

Kibum kept watching, lazilly stroking himself, then slowly said: “Turn towards me and spread your knees.”

 

Jinki's cheeks burned and he hesitated for a moment, but he eventually shifted on the bed so that he was right in front of Kibum. He propped himself up on his elbows, then spread his knees. The simple change in position made his whole body tremble in need.

 

Kibum's eyes trailed along his open legs, and between them, along his balls and further down, caressing him in the most torturing way possible.

 

Jinki brought an hand down his stomach to grab his erection again, albeit with some difficulties, but Kibum interfered.

 

“Don't. Stay still, just like that. You aren't allowed to touch yourself until I say so.”

 

Jinki whined but retracted his hand.

 

“Good boy.”

 

The compliment made Jinki's stomach feel fuzzy and warm, but the sweet feeling didn't last long.

 

Kibum took his cock completely out of his boxers.

 

Jinki stared at the action, his toes curling and his mouth watering.

 

(Kibum's cock head was the same pink at his lips.)

 

Kibum smirked at him and kept stroking himself way too slowly.

 

“Your hole is twitching,” he observed.

 

Mentioning it only made it twitch further.

 

Kibum massaged the head of his cock with the palm of his hand, stopping the circular motion with a grunt only when pre-cum smeared on it.

 

Jinki moaned, intensely staring at those white drops flow down Kibum's length.

 

“Ki-” Jinki swallowed. “ _Kibum._ ”

 

“Yes, Jinki?” They looked at each other through half lidded and hooded eyes.

 

“I...I-” Jinki's hands clewed at the sheets of his bed. His balls felt heavy. “Can I--- I want---”

 

“What do you want, Jinki?”

 

Kibum threw his head back a little, stroking himself faster and Jinki looked at him in panic. “Don't! W-wait, I... I...!”

 

Kibum slowed down and looked back at him, teasing smile still on his lips, before stopping completely and letting his cock stand proud with his hands at both his sides.

 

“Come here, Jinki.”

 

Jinki didn't need to hear it twice. He was kneeling right in front of Kibum in just a moment, the smell of Kibum's arousal making his mouth water and his mind fog.

 

“Lock your hands behind your back,” Kibum ordered then.

 

Jinki looked up at him, feeling his fingers tingle with the need to touch Kibum's length, but he did as he was told, and grabbed one of his wrist with the opposite hand behind his back.

 

Kibum stared down at him. “Safe word?”

 

“Red,” Jinki promptly answered.

 

“Touch my leg with a hand if you're unable to say it but want me to stop, okay?”

 

Jinki nodded.

 

Kibum brought his right hand, glistering with pre-cum in front of Jinki's face. “Lick it clean,” he said.

 

Jinki bent slightly to lap at the palm of his hand, moaning at the salty taste and soon getting addicted to it. He took each of Kibum's long fingers in his mouth and sucked them with abandon, while Kibum stroked his hair affectionately with his free hand. Every time he finished with one, he moved to the next, the suction making a popping sound.

 

Kibum's cock swelled right in front of his eyes, and Jinki could only suck harder, need pooling low in his stomach.

 

Kibum caressed the side of Jinki's face, making Jinki close his eyes and lean into the touch. He had missed this so much it actually hurt to think about it.

 

He had felt need increase every day and had eventually taken care of it, but it had been terrifying. Passing out, exhausted, right after coming and remembering Kibum's voice telling him that he had been good, had been the only things preventing guilt from eating him inside out. But now was different. Jinki didn't need to think about anything. Kibum was here to lead him. His shoothing touch and deep voice assuring him that he was doing well, that he wasn't judged but loved. That he could do anything he had ever thought about. He could enjoy it. It was okay.

 

Kibum's thumb brushed lovingly over his left eyebrow and Jinki felt tears gather in his eyes. He relaxed, finishing his deed with a last lick of Kibum's palm before licking his lips with his cheeks flushed and looking up at Kibum's face.

 

Kibum brought his thumb to caress Jinki's glistering lips, looking at the elder intensely.

 

“How are you feeling, Jinki?” he asked. Kibum's voice was lower and more hoarse than Jinki had ever heard it and it made his stomach clench.

 

It took him a lot of effort to articulate any sound, but he eventually managed to speak again. “More,” he said, unable to move his eyes from Kibum's erection.

 

Kibum's hand grabbed his hair at the back of his head and pulled it, successfully making Jinki look back at him. He got closer and pulled harder.

 

Jinki cried out, his cock pulsing between his legs.

 

“I'm the one deciding that, Jinki,” Kibum said. “Now answer my question. How are you feeling,” he repeated, with an harsher tone this time.

 

_Horny_ , Jinki's mind supplied, but he swallowed the answer and settled for “good”.

 

Kibum studied him for a second more, the worry in his eyes slightly cracking his act, but it was gone immediately, replaced by a smirk.

 

“More, you said,” he stated, amused.

 

A spark of complicity flashed between them and Kibum pulled at Jinki's hair so that he could get closer to his ear, causing Jinki's cheek to collide with Kibum's cock head.

 

“Do you want to suck my cock, Jinki?”

 

Jinki moaned and Kibum chuckled right in his ear, before pulling him slightly away form his length and dragging his cock to Jinki's parted lips in a teasing manner.

 

Jinki immediately tried to lick at the slit with his tongue, but Kibum pulled him away.

 

“Uh uh. From the bottom,” he commanded, before pushing Jinki face towards his balls.

 

Jinki whined in protest but licked the dried trail left by Kibum's pre-cum up Kibum's length, obediently never reaching the head.

 

Kibum hummed in appreciation and relaxed back in his chair, starting to massage Jinki's head where he had previously pulled his hair.

 

Jinki eagerly started to suck kisses at the bottom of Kibum's length and lick them over. He caressed in between Kibum's round balls with the tip of his nose before nipping at them and taking one in his mouth.

 

Kibum moaned and the sound made Jinki moan in response, the vibration making Kibum's cock release more pre-cum.

 

“You must have missed me a lot during the past month,” Kibum panted, pleased. Jinki bit lightly onto Kibum's cock before dragging his teeth on it and Kibum hissed, arching in his chair.

 

_You missed me more_ , Jinki mentally smiled and repeated the motion, loving how Kibum's knuckles were turning white, his breathing fast and broken.

 

“Take the head,” Kibum said, soon enough.

 

Jinki licked the slit clean of pre-cum and Kibum suppressed another moan. Their eyes met and Jinki took Kibum's cock head in his mouth, wrapping his lips around it and giving a tentative suck.

 

Kibum shook and Jinki did too, Kibum's taste soon becoming his new addiction. He sucked harder, rolled his tongue around it and then took the length in his mouth further.

 

“ _Fuck,_ ” Kibum cursed, his head thrown back, exposing his delicious and pale neck. Jinki hummed. “How many times have you imagined this, Jinki?” he asked then, threading his fingers through Jinki's hair, now wet with sweat. Jinki just bobbed his head up and down in response, making Kibum lose track of what he was trying to say for a second, in order to hiss a _'fuck, yes'_ with a breathy, low growl.

 

Jinki's cock kept leaking pre-cum. He could have come only from Kibum's reactions and the slurs of his saliva on Kibum's length as background noise.

 

“What else have you imagined, Jinki?” Kibum asked then.

 

Jinki dragged his teeth lightly on Kibum's erection, now that he knew that the other liked it, and Kibum's voice cracked. Jinki smiled and slowly tried to took Kibum further in his mouth, trying to figure out how to not let his gag reflex kick in. He noticed Kibum's legs and abdomen shake in the effort to keep still and showed appreciation by swallowing around the length.

 

Kibum bit onto his lip, way too close to coming.

 

He pulled Jinki's hair again to separate them, but Jinki sucked harder and Kibum's grip went slack. Jinki looked up at Kibum with his eyes smiling mischievously before letting the younger's cock slip out of his mouth. He innocently lapped at it, Kibum's glare only partially effective. His eyes betrayed his enjoyment.

 

“Open your mouth,” he panted.

 

Jinki got some centimeters away from him, a trail of saliva hanging between them, then parted his lips. Kibum grabbed his own erection, his eyes black and magnetic, and stroked himself to completion.

 

Cum squirted on Jinki's chin and lips, some directly in his mouth, and Jinki shivered, swallowing it eagerly and letting it dirty his whole face.

 

When Kibum was done, he kept still for a while, with his eyes closed and his chest rising and falling fast.

 

Jinki licked the cum around his lips, before getting close to Kibum's spent length and nuzzling it.

 

“Holy shit, Jinki!” the kid exclaimed, pulling him away by his hair like he had failed to do just a moment ago. They stared at each other, both still panting, then Kibum let the elder's hair go and got up from his chair, tucking his dick away. Jinki followed the movement and whined in protest, a hand was offered in exchange to help him up, and albeit unhappily, Jinki unlocked his hand behind his back and took it.

 

He shakily got up on his wobbly legs and Kibum caught him when they almost gave out.

 

“Needy, aren't we?” Kibum murmured in his ear, before pushing him back to the bed. Jinki fell on it and Kibum pushed him back to kneel between his legs.

 

He slipped his hands under Jinki's shirt and started drawing circles with his thumbs, slowly riding up. Jinki arched in the touch, biting onto his lip and moaning when Kibum finally reached his hard nipples and started massaging them.

 

“So sensitive...” Kibum commented, fascinated. “Has anyone ever touched you here?” Kibum pinched one of his nipples and Jinki cried out, shaking his head, his hips thrusting in the air, searching for friction that wasn't given to him.

 

Kibum dragged his hand up Jinki's arms and took his shirt off, leaving the elder completely naked under him.

 

“You're gorgeous,” Kibum murmured, his eyes and fingers burning over the toned muscles of Jinki's chest and abdomen. “Sturdy but not too muscular,” he continued. “with a big cock...” Kibum trailed his index finger on his length and it twitched. Jinki's lip bled, the teasing killing him.

 

Kibum pulled one of Jinki's legs over his shoulder before starting to nip and bite into his inner thigh. Jinki released a silent scream, followed by a whimper when Kibum's tongue eased the pain and trailed closer to his cock.

 

“K-kibum...!”

 

Kibum rose from in between his legs, bent them at their knees and spread them further, exposing Jinki's hole. He positioned himself over Jinki and started kissing his chest softly, his fingers trailing a path along one thigh.

 

Jinki let him do anything, his hands gripping the sheets above his head.

 

A part of him wanted Kibum to just turn him over and fuck him raw, the other part of him screamed and contorted in joy at the loss of control, the anticipation intensified everything he was feeling. He didn't know what Kibum would do next, and it drove him crazy.

 

Kibum's index finger circled his hole and Jinki trembled.

 

“Have you ever touched yourself here, Jinki?” Kibum asked, looking up.

 

Jinki chewed on his bottom lip, his cheeks flaming red, but didn't answer.

 

“Oh,” Kibum smirked. “You did.”

 

“A l-long time ago!” Jinki exclaimed, ashamed. “I've... never done it again after...” his voice trailed off and Kibum stared at him, troubled.

 

“Jinki... has anyone _else_ touched you here?”

 

Jinki looked back in surprise, suddenly realizing that Kibum was misunderstanding. “No!” he immediately responded. “No, nobody...” He looked at Kibum and corrected himself. “ _Else._ ” He went back to chew at his lip in embarrassment.

 

“I suppose that means you have no lube, then.”

 

Jinki's heart skipped a beat at the implication.

 

“Any lotion?”

 

“I-in the drawer.”

 

Kibum kissed his inner thigh again before stretching out to open the nighstand drawer and searching for the tube of body lotion. When he found it, he opened the cap and squirted a large amount in his hand, glad to confirm that it seemed to be viscous and slippery enough.

 

He smeared it around and over Jinki's entrance, before pushing at it with a thumb. Jinki shut his eyes, whimpering. Kibum rubbed it.

 

“Tell me more,” Kibum murmured, going on massaging Jinki's entrance and probing it occasionally. “What happened in high school, Jinki?”

 

“J-just a misunderstanding...” he panted.

 

“Who with?” Kibum used more lotion and pushed the tip of his middle finger inside Jinki. The elder shook, his body covered in sweat. He moaned when it penetrated further, completely forgetting what he had been asked.

 

Kibum pushed the finger inside enough to be able to bend it, then made his index finger follow. He used his other hand to pump Jinki's cock.

 

“Who with, Jinki,” he repeated.

 

Jinki cried out, unable to concentrate. It was the first time Kibum's hand was on Jinki's bare cock and it felt amazing. Kibum's hand was wonderfully big and skilled around his erection, it was way better than he had imagined, Kibum was stroking him just right, at the perfect angle, at the perfect pace.

 

“M-my best friend,” Jinki managed, somehow. His legs spasmed, his orgasm building up and his moans increasing in volume. He couldn't even hear himself anymore, his own voice sounded distant and muffled. He thought he heard Kibum hum in understanding.

 

Kibum's second finger was inside him before he could even realize.

 

“What type of misunderstanding?” Kibum kept moving his fingers inside him, while massaging the head of his cock and smearing pre-cum all over his length.

 

It hurt. It was so good it hurt. It hurt so bad—

 

Kibum's fingers brushed over the knot of nerves inside him and Jinki screamed, his back arching from the bed and his vision going blank for a long moment.

 

Kibum licked his lips and brushed over the same spot again.

 

Jinki contorted, moaning.

 

“Answer me, Jinki,”

 

“K-kibum---- _please_ \---”

 

“What type of misunderstanding, Jinki?” Kibum insisted, pumping his cock faster.

 

Jinki clawed at the bed sheets, successfully tearing them this time. “H-he thought I was--- _nhhg---”_

 

Jinki panted, his vision completely blurred and his mind dizzy.

 

“You were what?” Kibum helped.

 

“T-thought--- Thought I was g-gay.”

 

Kibum raised an eyebrow at that. “Was it only a misunderstanding, Jinki?”

 

Jinki stared through half lidded eyes and parted lips at Kibum, but didn't answer.

 

Kibum hit his prostate again and Jinki moaned. “Was it only a misunderstanding, Jinki?” he asked again, his voice demanding. He started hitting Jinki's spot repeatedly, causing the elder to loose his mind completely.

 

“Kibum!” he screamed. “Oh God, Kibum let me--- let me---”

 

“Is _this_ only a misunderstanding, Jinki? Answer me and I'll let you come.”

 

Jinki sobbed, tears spilling from his eyes in frustration and shame and humiliation, but especially in utter need.

 

“No,” he cried, shaking his head, with his eyes shut close, his voice breaking. “No, i-it wasn't. It isn't!”

 

“What are you, Jinki?”

 

“... gay! I'm gay...!”

 

Kibum smiled, relief washing all over him and bent over to lick his dried cum away from Jinki's face in a comforting manner. “You've been so _so_ good,” he whispered. “You can come now.”

 

He hit Jinki's sweet spot dead on and the elder spilled with a scream, his eyes opening in shock, his back arching at an impossible angle and his toes curling.

 

Kibum milked his cock dry, trailing kisses along his jawline, and whispering reassuring compliments.

 

When Jinki came down from his high, he was the most vulnerable Kibum had ever seen him. He immediately searched for Kibum's eyes and gripped the yunger's shirt with his hands, his expression showing that the wrong words could have broken him.

 

Kibum pecked his lips gently and Jinki closed his eyes. “Thank you for telling me the truth,” Kibum whispered softly, letting himself fall next to the elder.

 

“K-kibum I... I had wanted to tell you, I wanted to tell back in high school, I--” Jinki choked on his own words and Kibum embraced him, stroking his hair while Jinki cried onto his chest, reciprocating the embrace tightly.

 

“Shhh... It's okay. You can tell your story later.”

 

“Don't leave me,” Jinki pleaded.

 

“I'm not going anywhere. I promise.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This came out way longer than intended... the whole fiction is coming out way longer than intended! *hides* Thank you, Chelsì for betaing this story into something readable ♥♥♥


	5. Part V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting this chapter unbetaed after way too long. I hope that it was readable despite that! ;; Thank you so much for your patience and understanding, seriously, I couldn't have better readers ♥
> 
> CHIMEK = Chicken + Mekju (Beer)

A quiet, comfortable silence filled the room.

Jinki's eyes were only slightly open; his head, resting on Kibum's shoulder, still buzzing in his post coital bliss. He was absently playing with Kibum's long fingers with his own, caressing the smooth skin and sometimes interviewing them. Every time he did so, Kibum quietly squeezed his hand and warmth filled Jinki's belly and cheeks.

It was only after a long time that Kibum kissed the top of his head and finally asked how he was feeling.

“Free,” he answered then, with a exhausted but sincere smile on his lips, his eyes closed. “Like a huge rock has been lifted from my shoulders.”

“I'm happy to hear that,” Kibum said softly, leaving another kiss on Jinki's temple.

Jinki turned to snuggle further into Kibum's neck and reciprocated onto pale skin, before deeply inhaling Kibum's scent. The small circles Kibum was drawing on his hip bone made him tremble.

“You've known from the start, haven't you?” he murmured. There was a note of light amusement in his tone. Jinki couldn't do anything but think in bewilderment about all the things that were finally slipping into place now that he had finally decided to open his eyes.

“What have I known from the start?”

Jinki scowled. “You're gonna make me repeat it every few minutes now, aren't you?”

Kibum chuckled. “Probably.”

Jinki nibbled at Kibum's shoulder in protest, but eventually licked the same abused spot to soothe it. Kibum shivered under him and his hold on Jinki tightened. The elder felt a bit smug about it, especially when he realized that he had left an angry red spot. He sucked on it to make it an hickey and blew softly over it when he was done.

“Old man,” Kibum warned, his voice just a tad bit hoarser than it had been a few seconds prior.

Jinki smiled satisfied and stopped torturing the younger.

“That I'm gay,” he answered then, almost stopping in the middle of his sentence to mentally look at himself in surprise. It felt even more freeing to repeat it. Repeat it like it wasn't a big deal, like he was speaking about the weather or that day's dinner menu.

Kibum hummed. “I had my suspicions,” he admitted. “You had this languid look in your eyes when you looked at me and forgot about eating at Miya's.”

“That's not true!”

“You just didn't realize. I thought you were a weird old pervert man at first, ogling my beauty from afar.”

Jinki laughed at the amused tone Kibum was using and bit him again. “Stop being ridiculous, and tell the truth, you brat!”

“Ouch! I'm being serious though? Stop biting me, old man!”

They wrestled on the bed, Jinki trying to bite more into Kibum’s skin and Kibum trying to escape Jinki's new found hobby. Their laughs and exclamations filled the room until Jinki eventually managed to pin Kibum properly to the bed, in part thanks to his strength, in part because Kibum was too busy cracking up.

“Be serious or I won't let you go,” Jinki threatened when Kibum finally calmed down.

“I told you I was being serious, though?” he repeated with a lopsided smile.

Jinki stared suspicious for a moment, but his gaze soon got distracted by the vision and flickered over Kibum's features in contempt. With his hair messy, his eyes bright and his lips swollen Kibum looked even more handsome than usual. Was that even allowed?

Jinki had to look away to remember what they were speaking about in the first place.

“For real?” he asked, but felt stupid and shy while voicing his doubt – he had basically just ogled Kibum. That was already a pretty exhaustive answer.

“For real. You also scowled at me all the time, so I thought you had some reservations because I was so much younger than you. I knew you weren't a bad person because of Sunyoung noona and the realization that you could be gay intrigued me enough to finally talk to you.”

Jinki cringed at the memory of how he had treated Kibum. “I see...”

“What you said to me didn't quite add up to what you did, so that's when I've realized that you were probably in the closet.”

“And that you had to take me out of it?”

“That _you_ had to _come out_ of it,” Kibum corrected. “If you hadn't texted me when I've given you my number, I would have just let it go,” he admitted.

Gentle fingers brushed Jinki's hair always from his face and their eyes met in a meaningful look. “I'm glad that didn't happen, though.”

Jinki let himself fall onto Kibum's chest and the other protested with a huff, but embraced the elder nonetheless.

Jinki left a short, bashful kiss on Kibum's belly to answer the sentiment.

They stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other's warmth. Sleep threatened to get the upper hand over Jinki so he snuggled his face in Kibum's belly affectionately to wake himself up. Kibum complained about being ticklish, but petted Jinki's head in fondness.

When Jinki finally looked up, Kibum still had that same lopsided smile on his face. It was an happy, carefree smile. It made the elder's lips twitch in the need to beam back.

“Stay for the night,” Jinki said then.

“I had no intention to leave,” Kibum stated matter of factly, his voice soft and lazy. “I've promised, remember?”

Jinki hummed in contentment, snuggling back into Kibum. “We should take a shower...” he mumbled.

“Mhm?”

“Shower with me,” Jinki repeated, lifting Kibum's shirt up and leaving humid kisses on his flat stomach.

“Okay.”

His tongue probed Kibum's belly button and the younger arched slightly from the bed.

“What are you doing, old man?”

Jinki ignored the question in favor of sucking onto his hip bone, his fingers confidently unbuttoning his pants and pulling the zipper down.

“ _Jinki._ ”

Jinki shivered at the change of tone. He already wanted more of it.

He nuzzled Kibum's spent dick, breathing onto it, but before he could kiss it and suck it back to life through the fabric of his boxers, Kibum turned them over and pinned Jinki under him, his eyes hungry.

Jinki licked his lips remembering how it had felt to have the younger's cock in his mouth just a while before and his own stirred, his mouth watered.

The reaction didn't go unnoticed to Kibum who smirked, amused, before grabbing Jinki’s dick casually and pumping it with two long slow strokes. The underwear Kibum had put back on him just a while before was the only thing separating them, and Jinki wished that Kibum hadn't been so caring for once.

Jinki pulsed in his hand and bit onto his bottom lip, keeping eye contact with the younger, who eventually bent closer to him. Jinki parted his lips, ready for a kiss, but Kibum's tongue licked his nose tip instead and the pressure around his erection vanished, making a whine leave his throat.

Kibum chuckled and left an innocent peck on his lips.

“Let's wash up before your parents are back, shall we?”

Jinki circled his neck with his arms and brought him closer to stubbornly initiate a languid kiss. When they parted both of them were smiling stupidly at each other.

“I've created a monster, haven't I?”

Jinki licked the other's lips and chuckled.

“Probably.”

\----

Jinki didn't want to stare, but he couldn't help it when it was his first real time seeing Kibum completely naked. Despite everything that had happened between them, they had never taken their time to undress each other and in that moment more than ever Jinki was regretting it.

Kibum was a skinny kid, but he was broad, broader than Jinki was, he wasn't as muscular, but his legs were definitely those of a runner or maybe a dancer. His back and chest were plains of pale smooth skin (Jinki wondered how his back would look with long red scratch marks on it for a second). His waist was narrow and the line of his body continued in a very slight curve over his hips and in a curvier one over his tonic butt.

Jinki didn't know what his preference in men was, since he had always tried to avoid thinking about anything close to the concept, but he knew for sure that he found any plain, curve and angle of Kibum's body attractive. It stirred a fire in his gut that made it difficult to keep himself from kneeling and start to kiss from Kibum's calves up towards his lips.

Feeling himself being watched, Kibum looked up. His cheeks flushed, but his eyebrow rose, making Jinki look away immediately to step out of his boxer, very conscious of the fact that Kibum was watching _him_ now.

His stomach fluttered and he mentally cursed himself for behaving like an hormonal teenager.

He had never been a particularly sex-driven person. He had always enjoyed the closeness and the meaning behind sex, but had never felt the _need_ for it. Since meeting Kibum sex was everything he could think about and he didn't know how to deal with it yet.

Without waiting to see Kibum's expression again, Jinki turned the hot water on and stepped inside the shower as soon as it was warm enough not to freeze him to death. He took a soaped sponge and started rubbing his body eagerly, concentrating on random spots more than necessary and forgetting about others.

Silent steps followed him a few moments later.

Kibum took the bottle of scented shampoo lying next to Jinki and squeezed some in his palm.

“Can I?”

Jinki nodded mindlessly and Kibum started massaging Jinki's head. The elder eventually relaxed in the shooting touch and sighed, closing his eyes, enjoying the feeling of Kibum's fingertips moving through his hair and thinking about nothing at all.

When finished, Kibum took the shower head down and rinsed Jinki's hair, putting a hand on his forehead so that the shampoo wouldn't get into his eyes. He then took another bottle and applied some treatment too.

Distracted by Kibum's ministrations, Jinki had stopped cleaning his body, and was simply holding onto his soapy sponge. Kibum gently took it from him and rubbed the elder's back, his shoulders and down his arms in his place. The rubbing proceeded in circles on his butt cheeks and Jinki bit onto his lip when the sponge was pressed between them, but didn't emit a sound.

“There's still lotion in here...” Kibum murmured. He sounded embarrassed. “Is it okay if I...” he didn't finish his question. Jinki bit onto his lip harder, closed his eyes and nodded again.

The sponge was soon substituted by slippery fingertips gently circling his entrance and the feeling of warm water rolling down his legs, and Jinki contained a shiver. Kibum kept the shower head in one hand while probing at his hole with the other. His muscles tightened around Kibum's finger as soon as it went in. Jinki's toes curled and he pressed his hands against the shower wall to balance himself.

“Jinki, relax.” Kibum's voice was a bit hoarser than before, so he cleared it. Jinki could feel the embarrassment in it and knowing that he wasn't the only one affected ignited a fire in him. “You're gripping me too tightly...”

“Sorry.”

Jinki took a deep breath and eventually relaxed, letting Kibum circle inside him to get all the lotion out. At some point, his fingertip brushed over Jinki's prostate and Jinki shuddered, a tiny sound escaping his lips. The slight pressure immediately eased and Jinki found himself empty again.

“Sorry. It's done.”

“It's okay,” he assured, but his legs already felt like jelly.

It didn't help him that Kibum continued with his _cleaning-Jinki-inside-out_ operation by recovering the soapy sponge and squatting down to rub it on Jinki's legs, back and front.

When he stood up again, he brought his arms around the elder's waist, under his arms, to rub at his chest too, taking a step closer so that he could reach properly.

Jinki wanted to say that he could do that by himself, but his words were stuck in his throat and that part of him that wanted Kibum to touch him more made him swallow them before he could say anything at all. The urge to stick his ass out and bend low enough to discover if Kibum was hard like him was strong and Jinki trembled again in the effort of preventing himself from doing so.

Kibum brushed his skin lower, over his belly, and Jinki followed the path of the sponge with his eyes, feeling his trepidation rise and rise, his cock twitching just by the expectation, but before it could reach his groin Kibum stopped. Jinki gripped Kibum's wrist on reflex, before it could move away.

The silence stretched and Jinki freaked out for a second. What was he even trying to do? He mentally cursed himself, but didn't let Kibum go. “You forgot a spot,” he said instead. His eyes were glued to the shower floor and his cheeks felt way too warm. He was glad that Kibum couldn't see his expression right now.

He didn't get any answer but a shaky exhale from Kibum.

Jinki waited for something to happen, but Kibum's hand wasn't moving. For a second he wondered if he was gripping it too tightly, but that wasn't it. He guided it over his erection to incite him, biting onto his bottom lip, and slowly run the sponge up and down its underside, waiting for Kibum to open his hand and grab his cock properly, pump it and clean him, thumbing his slit repeatedly.

What he felt instead was Kibum's forehead press onto his shoulder and his free hand clutching his hip to the point of hurting him. Jinki realized that he was shaking and panting and all his movements stopped. “Kibum...?”

“I'm sorry,” the younger whispered.

Jinki didn't like the words at all. A sense of dread coiled law in his gut and his grip on Kibum tightened. “Why are you sorry?”

Kibum took a deep breath, then left a quick kiss under Jinki's ear. “I'll shower when you're done.”

Before Jinki could stop him, Kibum had already freed himself from his grip and the bathroom door was closing behind him.

\----

Jinki came back to his room wearing a towel around his waist just a few minutes later and found Kibum sat on the edge of his bed.

He immediately looked up when the elder opened the door and stood up with a little smile. Jinki noted that he had had the time to grab a bathrobe before leaving. “I'll be back in five minutes,” he said.

Jinki opened his mouth to stop him, to ask him what had just happened, but he ended up breathing only a weak 'okay' before Kibum could disappear yet again behind another door.

He stood immobile before that same door until for a minute, maybe more, his hands fisting the fabric of his towel and his lips closed in a thin line.

What was this all about now?

He felt his eyes burn and shook his head in hopes that he could shake the feeling of rejection away with it. It helped clear his mind long enough to dress himself in a pair of boxers, a loose t-shirt he could sleep in and a pair of sweatpants. He automatically searched around for another similar outfit for Kibum, but stopped to look back at his closed bedroom door when he found it. He bit his bottom lip, feeling like throwing the pieces of clothing against it.

Was Kibum even going to stay?

Jinki looked back at the clothes that he was gripping tightly in his hands and took a deep breath. He said he would, why was he feeling so unsure now? Either way he should prepare him something to wear, shouldn't he? Was it better to just wait for Kibum to be back or should Jinki bring them to the bathroom so that Kibum could change into them in privacy?

Just a few moments ago none of those questions would have crossed his mind. They were supposed to step out of the shower together, dress together. Jinki was supposed to tease him about the fact that he was wearing a pair of Jinki’s boxers and hug him and leave kisses behind his neck. So why was Kibum not with him?

Jinki's hands shook in anger.

Had he done something wrong? Had he pushed for something strange? After all they had done the same day, he doubted that pleading for being touched could be considered any more outrageous. There had been so much tension between them in the shower, Kibum had been affected by it too, Jinki was sure of it, so... why?

Changsun face suddenly flashed in Jinki's mind and Jinki felt the sense of dread in his stomach spread in him like wildfire.

_Kibum would never_ , he told himself. Kibum would never go that far only to out him, Jinki wouldn't believe it. Kibum _cared_ about him. He wouldn't hurt him.

His bedroom door opened right then, and Kibum slipped inside with the same robe he was wearing before and a towel on his wet hair. Jinki looked at him feeling lost and confused and scared, his mind shooting him one question and doubt after another.

What did he know about Kibum? What made him so sure that Kibum really cared about him? Changsun had been his best friend for years and that hadn't stopped him from hurting Jinki, he had thought he knew Changsun too.

Worried eyes searched Jinki's expression but in front of Jinki there wasn't Kibum anymore. There were were desks, instead, and a blackboard with the last math exercises of the day still written in white chalk on it hanging on the wall. A window was still open over an empty courtyard.

“Jinki?”

Kibum took a step closer to him and he was suddenly part of his vision. He automatically took a step back, the back of his knees meeting the edge of his bed or a chair, he wasn't sure anymore.

Kibum's eyes widened and he stopped where he was. “Jinki, what's wrong?”

The elder shook his head to clear his mind, the sudden, detailed flashback leaving space back to reality. He insistently rubbed his eyes and swallowed the knot in his throat. Why would any of that come back hunting him now? He was only being paranoid.

When he had calmed down enough, he got closer to Kibum. “Sorry, just sleepy. I've got some clothes ready for you,” he said, with the best smile he could master. It wasn't much more than the turn of the angles of his mouth, but it made Kibum's shoulders relax.

Kibum took a tentative step closer and when Jinki didn't move away he crossed the distance between them to take the clothes, eyeing him warily. “Thank you.”

The elder simply nodded, then climbed on his bed, moving his eyes away from the other to give him a semblance of privacy while he changed. Not that they hadn't seen everything that there was to be seen already, but that intimacy was gone and Jinki felt that it would have been inappropriate now, that Kibum wouldn't have liked the attention. He didn't know if it was actually true, or if he felt that way only because his insecurities had surfaced out of nowhere to hunt him.

He got under the covers and made as much space as he could in his tiny bed, a clear invitation for Kibum to climb in it after him. They had been on this same bed when Jinki had asked the younger to stay the night, and Jinki had meant for them to sleep in there together, but maybe he should have offered to put a spare mattress on the floor? Maybe it was too small. Maybe Kibum didn't want to share with him anymore...

Kibum finished wearing Jinki's clothes and contemplated bringing his bathrobe back in the bathroom, but he felt wary of leaving Jinki alone again, so he decided against it and left it on Jinki's desk chair, where Jinki had also left his towel.

When he got into the bed beside Jinki he felt insanely nervous. He layed on his back. His hands were sweating and he could do nothing but stare at the ceiling right over him and inspire and exhale deeply.

His rigid posture didn't go unnoticed by Jinki. He was relieved that Kibum had automatically layed next to him, but was he imagining it or was he paying extra attention not to brush his body against Jinki's? When he tentatively touched Kibum's arm with his fingers and Kibum jumped away, Jinki felt like someone had just stabbed him in the heart. He snapped.

“Why are you behaving like this all of a sudden?” He pulled himself up with his arms and looked down at Kibum in confusion and hurt. “Why are you rejecting me? Is it because you know for sure that I'm gay now? Is that why you're doing this to me? Are you disgusted of me now too?”

He realized that his voice had raised in a choked scream only when he was done. Kibum pulled himself up too with his eyes wide.

“That─ _Jinki!_ I'm gay too, I would never! That isn't it at all!”

“Changsun was probably gay too, but that didn't prevent him believing that I was disgusting trash!”

Kibum looked at the angry tears rolling from Jinki's eyes in panic. He wanted to touch the other to calm him down, but he wasn't sure that Jinki would have let him. “Jinki, I'm honestly missing a lot information here so I'm really sorry if I've made your feel bad, that wasn't my intention. I promise, I'm not disgusted of you, I mean it. I─” Kibum looked away, his cheeks tinting red. “On the contrary. I'm both proud and incredibly attracted to you right now.”

“Sure. You're so attracted to me that you left when I clearly pleaded for more!”

“I'm so attracted to you that I can't think of anything but how it would feel to pound into you all night long and _that's_ why I left!”

Jinki's breath caught and Kibum covered his face with his hands. “Oh fuck, this is so embarrassing.”

Jinki could hear only the beating of his heart then. He gripped the blankets and searched Kibum expression. “I- I don't think I get it...”

“I'm telling you that I had to leave the shower to calm myself down because I was sure that I would take you right there if I hadn't.”

Jinki opened his mouth to rebut but Kibum interrupted him before he could. “Don't you even try to tell me that that would have been okay, because it wouldn't have. You just came out to me today and I was there for the whole process so I know better than anybody else how hard that was to you, you won't convince me that there was no reason for it, Jinki. The fact that you immediately distrusted me is proof enough that I was right.”

“I wasn't- I didn't want to-”

Kibum put a finger on his lips to stop him.

“I'm not going to take advantage of your vulnerability,” he went on. Despite the conviction behind his words and in his eyes, his index finger left space for his thumb on Jinki's lips, brushing longingly over them. Jinki felt cold dread being replaced by burning desire when Kibum's voice dropped low and intimate. “Even if the need to bend you over is so strong that I'm still shaking.”

His words ignited a fire in Jinki's body, and he found himself shifting, getting subconsciously closer to the younger. It was suddenly very obvious to Jinki that they they were sharing his bed, that the only thing preventing them to have sex until morning right then was Kibum's restraint and nothing else. It would take so little to make Kibum snap. Jinki could plead like he had in the shower, he could pin Kibum to the bed so that he couldn't escape, leave a trail of kisses along his jawline while he whispered what exactly he wanted to happen, move his hips against Kibum's arousal until his eyes were so black he couldn't see anything but his own need to be buried inside Jinki. Feel Jinki. Breath Jinki in.

The knowledge reflected in both their eyes and made both their cock stir, but neither moved to act on it. Kibum dropped his hand and took a deep shaky breath, while Jinki licked his lips and bit onto the bottom one.

“I─” Kibum cleared his throat. “I want to do this right now that I can,” he started again. “I want to ask you out on a date, I want to learn about you from you and nobody else, and I want you to learn about me, until you can trust me enough to tell me about your past and never even phantom, ever again, that I could be disgusted of you.”

“I'm sorry, I just freaked out, I don't really think that─”

Kibum shook his head with a understanding smile. “I like you, Jinki. I sincerely like you so much that it's physically painful to stay away from you. I'm serious about you and the realization made _me_ freak out for a moment. I want you to explore your sexuality, Jinki. I want you to be comfortable with yourself and who you are, get used to it, and only then... only if you're sure that you want me and nobody else, that you want me because it's me and not because I helped you come out and you feel any sort of obligation towards me... only then, if you still want me, I want you to become my boyfriend.”

Jinki could only stare, his feelings in a turmoil, his stomach full of butterflies. Kibum had said that he liked Jinki more than once before, he had been explicit about it, but never before he had felt like he meant it. Like it could become more than just 'liking'. Like it could become big. Have a future. Like _they_ could have a future together that went beyond their sexual chemistry, something that they already proved they had in excess. Kibum wasn't asking him for anything casual. Kibum didn't _want_ casual. He wanted Jinki. All of him. He wanted to be his _boyfriend_.

Boyfriend was public, was official, was exclusive. Only thinking about all the implications made Jinki's heart beat louder and his head spin. Would Jinki be able to be a boyfriend? Would he be able to introduce Kibum as his boyfriend? To his parents? To Sunyoung?

Looking at Kibum his stomach tightened.

He didn't know if he was able to, but he knew he wanted it. He really did.

He wanted to hold Kibum's hand and know that he was his. He wanted to hold it when he told his parents that he had a boyfriend, wanted to hold it secretly in a cinema while sharing a big portion of pop-corns and while going back home after a date. He wanted to kiss him without a reason, message him about nothing, wanted the warmth of his embraces when they met and parted. He wanted to be proud of himself, and of himself with Kibum. He wanted to trust Kibum fully, with all himself.

And he knew. He knew that he wasn't there yet. He knew that he had been inexplicably drawn to Kibum from the start and needed to trust him then, because he needed somebody to help, but now that that need was gone and other insecurities were back, Kibum was giving him time to grow to trust him properly. To learn, to heal, to take it slow.

Jinki felt a heaviness he hadn't realized he was shouldering lift and he gripped the corner of Kibum's shirt with two of his fingers, with his head hanging low and his blush spreading on his neck and ears.

A warm hand patted his head and Jinki felt like crying again, his cheeks burning, but he kept everything in and only gripped onto Kibum's shirt tighter.

“Thank you.”

Kibum smiled.

\----

“Is he there, is he there?”

“Don't push!”

“Let me see!”

Jinki's mom pushed her husband away with a huff, glaring at the man, before fixing her clothes and softly knocking at his son's bedroom door.

They waited together for a few seconds, but when no sound came from inside, she silently opened the door to take a peek, her husband doing the same from over her shoulder. They shared a victorious look when they realized that there was an head poking from the blankets in their son's bed that definitely wasn't their son's - Jinki never slept unless he was covered from head to toe.

They both straightened up. Jinki's mom cleared her throat and knocked against the now open door again. “Boys,” she called, putting a lot of effort to prevent herself from sing-songing it. “Breakfast is ready.”

Kibum stirred, mumbling something about needing 5 more minutes, but right after saying it, he rubbed his eyes and opened one in confusion.

The ceiling above him wasn't his ceiling. It wasn't the one of his bedroom in his parents' house, nor the one by his grandmother. It also wasn't the one from his apartment in Seoul.

There was also a strange heaviness on his chest. Whatever that was, it nuzzled into him before emerging from the blankets, revealing a sleepy, confused Jinki with adorable bed hair and a scowl on his face. He looked for a long moment at Kibum, but it didn't look like he was awake yet. 

Feeling way too drawn by the warmth coming out from the younger to ask himself why Kibum was in his bed, he closed his eyes again and nuzzled back into his chest contentedly, mumbling his name.

Kibum stroked his head with a fond smile on his face, reminded of where he was and why he was there.

“Good morning, son,” Jinki's mom sing-songed then, unable to resist.

Kibum froze and Jinki grunted into his shirt, getting closer to the source of heat with his whole body.

“Go away, mom,” he mumbled.

Kibum grabbed Jinki's shoulder with an hand and gently shook him, his embarrassment reaching new levels. “Old man,” he whispered. “Old man, wake up.”

Jinki raised on his arms again, his scowl deeper than before. He turned to look at his parents at his bedroom doorstep.

“What? Is it time to go to university already?” he asked.

“You don't have class until afternoon, son. But Kibum does, don't you, dear?” Jinki's mom looked pointedly at Kibum.

“Kibum?” Jinki followed her gaze and met Kibum's, staring up at him, with a shy smile.

“Hey...”

Kibum could see the exact moment when Jinki realized where he was, and who was there to see him. He jumped away from the younger in embarrassment but got tangled in the sheets and ended up rolling down the bed, pulling them with him. Kibum tried to grab him, but Jinki fell on the floor with a loud thud before he could.

Mr. Lee's smile widened. “Well,” he said. “Now that both of you are awake, we'll wait for you in the kitchen, okay?”

Before Jinki could sit up again and disentangle himself, both his parents were gone, leaving an embarrassed silence behind them.

It took Kibum three seconds to snap back from his shock and look back at Jinki, who was glaring at him, even more trapped in the sheets than before.

Laughter filled the room.

“Shut _up_. Don't say anything. _Don't_.”

Kibum threw his head back and just went on laughing.

\----

The kitchen table was spread out with all types of traditional korean side dishes - Kibum didn't think he had ever seen so many all together for a meal, and if the bewilder look on Jinki's face was anything to go by, they were in two.

“I wasn't sure about how you're used to have breakfast, honey, so I went for traditional, but if you'd prefer some bread instead we have that too. My husband went to the bakery next to our shop and bought a bit of anything. We also have coffee. Or maybe you like tea better?”

Jinki looked at his mother like she was possessed, then shifted his eyes to his father, who silently answered his unexpressed question by mouthing 'we have a guest' back at him, as if that was the usual treatment his mother reserved to guests. They didn't have many in general, but Jinki was 100% sure that he had never seen that spoon/chopsticks set. Maybe it was because when either he or his parents invited someone over to eat they ended up having chicken at the restaurant, and it was probably his first time having breakfast with a guest, so chicken wasn't exactly the best morning choice (not that Jinki would had minded eating chicken for breakfast too, but he guessed that Kibum wouldn't have appreciated it as much as him), but everything looked way too overdone to him.

“This is more than okay, ma'am!” Kibum exclaimed, overwhelmed by the attention.

They all took a seat at the table. Jinki's parents sat one beside the other right in front of Kibum and Jinki.

Jinki's father picked his chopsticks up first and everyone else followed after him. Jinki immediately started eating, feeling like he hadn't eaten in weeks, while Kibum started to shyly pick up something random to put it in his rice bowl to try. Jinki's mom was watching him closely, and immediately intervened to bring all the dishes closer to him. Kibum smiled bashfully at her and she beamed back, almost blinding him – she resembled Jinki way too much, it was really unsettling.

“Mom, you're making him nervous, _please_ ,” Jinki complained with his mouth full.

Mrs. Jinki ignored her son's plea in favor of putting a specific side dish she wanted Kibum to try in his rice bowl. “This is really good, try it! It's my personal recipe!”

Kibum complied, thanking her, and his eyes grew wide when he tasted it. “Oh! This totally tastes like my grandma's cooking! It's delicious!”

“Really?!”

Jinki grunted at his mom's happy face and his father chuckled. “Look at how excited she is. She used to be like that with me too, when she cooked something for me at university,” he whispered to his son.

Jinki stuffed his mouth with some more rice, preventing himself for saying something stupid like 'he's too young for her' or turning back to his mother to tell her to leave _his_ boyfriend alone. He didn't even know how his mind had conceived that, he felt embarrassed just thinking about it. Kibum wasn't his boyfriend. (Not yet).

He stretched his arm to get some kimchi stiffly.

His father smirked, studying his expression closely. “Is that jealousy I see emanating from you, son?”

Jinki almost spit the rice into his dad's face. He swallowed and started coughing, turning away from the food.

Kibum immediately offered him some water and the elder drank it gratefully, while Kibum patted his back.

“Are you okay, hyung?”

“Jinki, son, how many times have I told you to eat slowly?”

Jinki glared at his mother before doing the same to his father. “I'm okay,” he mumbled to the younger, who didn't retract his hand from Jinki's back until he was sure that the elder wasn't coughing anymore. The fact didn't go unnoticed by Jinki's parents.

“Do you usually have traditional breakfast at home, Kibum-ah?” Mrs. Lee interrupted.

Kibum brought his attention back to her. “Right now I'm living alone, and I only know how to cook western food, so I usually just buy some coffee before going to school, ma'am.”

“You're living alone already, dear?”

“Ah, yes. My family lives in Daegu, I came to Seoul by myself.”

“I see. And how did you learn how to cook western food?”

“I went to study in America for six months once and lived in a family, we sometimes cooked together. Other recipes I've learned on the internet or in my friend's Italian restaurant.”

Jinki supposed that he was speaking about Miya's.

“That's impressive,” his father commented.

“Oh, no, really, I'm not really good at it. I just do it out of necessity.”

“Still, that's more than Jinki can do.”

“Hey!”

Kibum smiled.

“Our son likes the eating part better.”

“Especially when it comes to chicken,” Mrs. Lee agreed.

“Chicken is the best,” Jinki agreed.

“See?”

“He's the _Chimek_ type.”

Kibum laughed. “I see. I'll keep it mind.”

“You should come here once in a while, by the way, dear, I could teach you how to make traditional korean food if you wanted.”

“That would be nice, ma'am.”

That seemed to satisfy Jinki's mom, who smiled at herself and settled back in her seat to eat peacefully. Jinki mentally thanked the Lord.

They ate with the sound of the television as backing track for a while, until Jinki's father decided that it was his time to ask some questions.

“Kibum... I don't mean to seem rude but how old are you?”

Jinki froze.

Kibum swallowed what he was eating. “I'm 19, sir.”

“So you're turning an adult on Coming of Age Day?”

“I am, sir.”

“You're really young... This is your last year of high school, isn't it?”

Kibum nodded.

“Exams must be coming up soon,” Jinki's mom commented.

“Yeah,” Kibum answered, suddenly shy. With everything that had happened he hadn't thought about it at all, instead of studying harder, his grades had actually dropped terribly.

“Did you know that Jinki was ranked second in his whole school during his final exams?”

Kibum turned to Jinki in surprise. “Really?”

Jinki blushed. He didn't like that to be brought up, but his mother loved to brag about it. “Just luck...”

“What luck?!” Mrs. Lee sounded outraged. She turned to look at Kibum to explain. “He was always a model student, his teachers would always compliment me and his father for having such a well behaved child. He got a scholarship almost every year since he started going to school too! If you have any problem in any subject you should ask him to teach you, he used to tutor a lot of younger students when he was still in high school.”

“That's an awesome idea!” Jinki's father exclaimed. “We still have all your high school books here somewhere.”

Jinki opened his mouth to protest, but Kibum anticipated him. “That would actually help me a lot, hyung, if you could. There are some subjects that I'm really bad at.”

There was a glint in Kibum's eyes that Jinki didn't miss.

He put more food in his mouth and nodded, as if it wasn't a big deal, even if his stomach was fluttering at the idea of spending afternoons tutoring Kibum. Why did it sound like something dirty, dear Lord?

“Sure. Anytime,” he swallowed.

Kibum smiled, and so did his parents.

At least one of them knew what he was thinking.

Jinki kept eating like he couldn't tell.

\----

It was way too early in the morning. Minho had risked missing his stop for the millionth time because he had fallen asleep on the bus that took him from Incheon to Seoul. He thought that attending such a far away high school was more trouble than worth, but his father just wouldn't listen – he wanted Minho's lazy ass up at dawn and he would send his son to Busan every morning if necessary. Minho could consider himself lucky, so he had said.

He cursed his dad and kept walking towards his school gate, wishing to reach his classroom and his desk as soon as possible, so he could put his head on his math text book and die.  
He needed to stop playing soccer on Playstation until so late at night.

When he entered the courtyard of his school, someone slapped his shoulder, hard, and he grunted. He didn't even have to turn to know who it was. “Go away, Kibum.”

“Sleep walking again? Wake up already, lazy ass! Today is a wonderful day!”

Minho looked at his side to find his best friend smiling brightly from one ear to another, sporting a red angry hickey on his neck. He mentally snorted. He _really_ didn't want to know. “Shut up, Kibum, it's way too early for me to deal with you.”

Kibum didn't shut up until class started.

\----

Jinki was on the bus when he received the first message from Sunyoung.

_Yesterday Kibum asked me where he could find you and I told him that you were staying by your parents. Did he come to see you, Oppa?_

He bit onto his bottom lip.

_Yeah, he came._

He typed bashfully. The double meaning wasn't lost to him and he mentally scolded himself. What was he? A teenager again? God. He looked around, self-conscious, feeling like people could read his mind, but nobody was paying any attention to him. They were all too concentrated on their own phones. He looked back at his chat in time to see Sunyoung's answer.

_Is everything fine between you two?_

_It is, why are you asking?_

The answer didn’t come immediately. 

_Nothing, I just thought that it was strange that he was asking about you, so long after Christmas Eve. Have you ever met again after that?_

With the pulse in his throat accelerating, Jinki typed the truth. 

_No, not really._

_Why did he want to see you, then?_

Biting his bottom lip, Jinki thought about something to answer to cut the conversation short, but all his possible answers seemed to lead to more questions that he wasn’t ready to answer. Not yet. 

_For our awesome chicken, obviously!_

He sent her a chicken sticker after another, emoticons, anything related, and Sunyoung eventually gave up under his attack. 

_I’m not gonna talk to you ever again. My phone froze for a moment here! *angry face emoji* Anyway, I have to go, oppa, lesson is starting. See you soon?_

Jinki took a relieved sigh. 

_Sure, I’ll write again. See you soon!_

He sat back in his bus seat and closed his eyes. Such a coward. 

\----

The coffee shop was pretty crowded, but Jinki and Kibum had been able to find a table in an angle beside the window, and were sat there while sipping at their coffee mugs. Kibum was telling the elder about his last tests results; he didn't seem very concerned about it, despite the fact that they were so disastrous and exams were approaching – it made Jinki very suspicious.

A few days had passed from Kibum's sleepover at Jinki's house, but they had kept in touch by messaging. It was the first time that they actually planned to do something together. It wasn't a date, since the main purpose was speaking about Kibum's general academic situation so that they could decide in which subjects Jinki could help him the most, but since there were no notes nor text books on the table yet, it was easy to mistake the atmosphere for something way more intimate.

Kibum hadn't helped with his attire either – Jinki had mostly seen him in his high school uniform until now, and every time the younger wore something different he couldn't prevent himself from being surprised by how stylish Kibum was. There were so many little details in his outfit - from the colorful brooches on his jeans jacket to the piercing in his ear and the color of his socks – it was evident that he had put some effort into it. His hair was perfectly styled, his bags wavy. Jinki thought that he looked like one of those idols that he so often saw on shops advertisements. Even better than some of them.

He felt under-dressed in comparison, despite having put three times the thought he usually put in his outfit today. He had never been particularly good at matching clothes, he never even knew what to buy. His favorite items were usually simple t-shirts with dumb gags written on them. He matched them with a simple pair of jeans and a cap of the same color and that was usually how far his fashion sense went. He had chosen a buttoned up shirt to put under a blue warm sweater over it today – he would have normally thought that he looked okay, cozy, but the difference between Kibum and him was so striking that it felt like he was dressed with something that Kibum's father would wear. The age difference between them didn't seem to get any smaller and being in public with the high schooler never failed to remind him.

“ _Jinki._ ”

Kibum snapped him back to reality and Jinki found the younger eyeing him with a sly smile. “Let's take a picture together.”

“Eh?! Why? No, wait, I don't like pictures!”

Kibum ignored him and circled the table. He bent behind Jinki enough for his chin to rest on the elder's shoulder. His arms at the sides of his neck were stretched in front of them, holding his cellphone, where the timer was already set.

“Kibum!”

“Smile, old man~”

Jinki had barely time to do as told before the picture was taken. He was going to start protesting right after that, but his words died in his throat when he felt soft lips press gently against his cheek. The timer went off again and a second picture was taken.

When Kibum moved away, Jinki's cheeks were on fire. “Kibum! P-people...!” he couldn't even put together a proper sentence. He looked around, but they were completely hidden by the rest of the coffee shop and there was nobody outside.

His phone vibrated on the table and Jinki glanced at the display, were a new notification had popped up – Kibum had sent him two pictures.

Jinki glared at the younger, who innocently sat back in his chair.

“I thought that if you could ogle at me at home you would actually listen to me when we are together.”

Jinki hoped that a hole could open under his feet.

“And also. I wanted a picture with you. You look really good today.”

“Oh, shut up,” he mumbled, looking away. Had Kibum noticed that he was being self-conscious about it? “I look like your grandpa.”

Kibum sat back into his chair and took the time to think about it. “You do have the grandpa charm. I bet you sing trot songs at the karaoke.”

“What if I do?”

Kibum laughed and Jinki found himself smiling at how ridiculous is sounded. “Let's go together once, I want to sing them with you.”

“You probably don't know any of the songs I know, you're way too young.”

“I told you before that I was raised by my grandmother. She's incredibly into _'Noona's dream'_ lately but she always listened to a ton of trot songs, I know a lot!”

Jinki eyed him warily but Kibum wasn't making fun of him, he looked sincere. “Sure,” he shrugged. “Sounds like fun.”

Kibum beamed at him. “We could grab something to eat first and have some shopping too. You say you look like my grandpa, but if you were wearing a pair of skinny jeans with the rest of your outfit you would just look hot. You're wasting all the potential in your thighs right now.”

“Hot.”

“Yep.”

Jinki shook his head, amused. “You really like fashion, don't you?”

“Yeah, it's fun. I like to buy vintage clothes too and reinvent them. Maybe it's because I've basically been raised by women, but I've always seen them adjust their own clothes and learnt the basics. I have more fun making holes in my clothes than fix them though,” he snickered and showed Jinki a picture of himself on his phone. He was wearing a pair of ripped jeans (more ripped than jeans) and a sleeveless shirt. “I tore those pants and took the sleeves out of this t-shirt myself. Sometimes I draw on them.”

Jinki thought that on anybody but Kibum those clothes would look absolutely ridiculous. Somehow they worked on him, though, they were really 'Kibum', even if he wasn't sure what that meant.

“I hope that you don't plan on dressing me up like that when we'll go shopping together.”

“I wouldn't! That isn't your style at all! You wouldn't pull it off.”

“I don't know if I should be relieved or offended.”

Kibum laughed. “Let's go today! I don't feel like studying anyway, let's have our first date now.”

“Your exams are coming up, Kibum.”

“I can study by myself later. You're more distracted than me, anyway. I bet that you weren't listening when I told you what subjects I need help with.”

Jinki blushed. He hadn't. Kibum smirked.

“Thought so. Just for the record, I told you that I lied - I don't need any help with my studies. I just wanted an excuse to see you frequently even in front of your parents, so let's go! Today.”

Jinki mentally snorted. _As if I hadn't guessed that already_. “I came to tutor you and I'll tutor you.”

“But-”

“But later you can take me wherever you want.”

Kibum's smile grew big and Jinki hid his behind his mug of latte.

It was going to be a long day. 


	6. Part VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, before you read the chapter I wanted to make a big announcement. A lot of the people who commented this fiction ended their comment pleading me not to abandon this fiction and I want to repeat it once more - I have NO intention of discontinuing it. I love it, I’ve been working over it for a very long time and I plan to put the word END to it. I’m just a slow writer OTL It takes me at least one month to write a chapter, more in case I get a writer's block. That’s mostly because of life interfering, I’m sorry guys, I can’t do much about that. Like I said on Tumblr (for those who don’t know, I’m bumiesworld there), I shouldn’t be too far off in saying that I need 3 chapters more to finish. 
> 
> **WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER:** FLUFF. Disgusting amount of fluff. And some angst. That’s what I do best lmao

Jinki was still laughing when they came out of the karaoke just in time to take the last train home. His overused voice was rough and his throat was sore, but the lightness in his heart was pleased about the constant reminder of the night. 

Kibum and he had sang trot songs, as promised, but Kibum had added some k-pop in the mix too, managing to lead Jinki into intricate girl group choreographies and forcing him to yell to reach the awfully high notes. His voice had cracked over and over, reducing them both in laughing messes. Surprisingly, despite his low speaking voice, Kibum had revealed to possess some technique - or just more experience - and had managed to reach the higher notes by belting. Jinki thought that their tonalities blended quite nicely in their differences; the straightforward and decisive sound of Kibum’s singing voice complemented well with Jinki mellower one. 

The subway was almost completely empty. They easily found seats and slumped into them one next to the other.

“I’m probably going to lose my voice by morning. Hell, it will probably be gone in half an hour.”

“Same here,” Kibum agreed with a big smile on his face. “That was fun, though, wasn’t it?”

Jinki nodded and enjoyed the broadening of the smile in front of him. 

“Why didn’t you tell me that you sound like that when you sing?”

“Bad?”

Kibum’s nose scrunched in distaste. “Such wasted talent. For the record, I’d have your voice babies if I could - that’s how _good_ you sound.” 

A blush crept on Jinki’s cheeks. “Stop being embarrassing,” he mumbled. 

“Why, I’m having fun!” the younger grinned and Jinki sent him a weak glare. “No, but seriously, you should sing lullabies to me. I think you’d give me the sweetest dreams ever.”

“If you ask nicely. Maybe.”

The mischievous glint in Kibum’s eyes made Jinki regret his words as soon as he uttered them. With predatory movements, Kibum leaned closer, his hand pressing on Jinki’s knee and his fingers brushing teasingly the fabric of his pants. 

Jinki sucked a breath in and looked around anxiously, but the few people in the car were either sleeping, drunk-sleeping, or concentrated on their phones. 

He forced himself to keep completely still, while Kibum’s hand hitched higher on his thigh, under the hem of his new coat, in a way that couldn’t possibly be mistaken as platonic.

“Kibum!” he grit through his teeth, warmth spreading in his groin. 

Kibum softly blew over his ear right when his fingers reached Jinki’s bulge and brushed it teasingly. A shiver went through Jinki’s whole body, making him feel like he had just been struck by lightning, his heartbeat wild and his breath already short. 

“Is this nice enough to you?” 

_‘No’_ almost left his lips, before his mind could take rain of his libido and remind him that escalating this - whatever this was - wasn’t a good idea. Not to mention that Kibum was just teasing him, he wouldn’t go further. He wouldn’t… _right?_

The twitch between his legs finally prompted him to push Kibum away with a snarled _‘yes’_ and Kibum took his distance back, looking smug and unfazed. It took a few minutes to Jinki to calm down and look as unaffected as the brat next to him. 

“You have a nice voice too,” he finally said when his control was finally back.

Kibum eyed him funnily, as if he didn’t believe him. “That’s a first.” 

“Nobody ever told you that?” 

“Most find my voice irritating,” he shrugged. 

“I like it,” Jinki reinforced. “A lot.” He couldn’t help another blush. 

“I know,” the smile on Kibum’s lips was soft and shy, so different from the smug grin that Jinki would have expected to accompany such a statement, it made Jinki’s stomach flutter. 

He confusedly but warmly smiled back and they settled back on their seats, their arms pressing against one another. 

In the comfortable silence, Jinki wondered when the last time he had been in a karaoke was. Probably in high school, he reasoned. It had felt nostalgic and as if someone had brought him back to life at the same time. _Kibum_ had, he reminded himself. Not someone. Kibum. 

Since coming out to Kibum, Jinki felt like time had started running again and it was unsettling and exciting at the same time. It was hard to remind himself that he wasn’t actually a high schooler anymore when he was together with the younger, and the clothes that Kibum had made him try, buy and wear made it even harder to recognize that he was closer to 30 than 20.

Jinki catched his reflection in the car window and stared. He looked good. 

He was wearing an all black outfit (black shirt, black skinny jeans and a pair of elegant matching black shoes); over it a light gray coat with big black buttons that reached slightly lower than his knees. 

Jinki had liked the matching and thought of it as complete by the time Kibum had made him wear the coat, but the younger had looked unhappy with the final result and had disappeared for five more minutes in another shop on the way, emerging from it with a bright red scarf. He had wrapped it around Jinki’s neck and finally announced ‘this is it.’ Kibum’s first present to Jinki. 

Jinki could now recognize why Kibum had been unhappy at first - the scarf was the real fashion touch. The focus of the whole outfit. The color in the monochrome. _The Kibum to my Jinki_ , he thought shily. 

He had never found himself handsome, but he liked himself right then. Sleepy and sunk in his red scarf next to the younger, he looked brighter. New.

Kibum had taken him to all kinds of shops to buy more than one outfit and he now had enough clothes to keep on with this new image. Fortunately for his wallet, the kid was an expert in the art of matching cheap clothes to make them look expensive, so Jinki was going home with a new guard robe and still a few bucks to spare.

They got off at Itaewon station and spontaneously walked together towards Jinki’s one room, or so Jinki deduced when they walked past Miya’s got the Balls and didn’t part.

When they reached Jinki’s building, Kibum put his hands in his pants pocket and rocked on his feet, suddenly bashful.

Jinki smiled. “Thank you for today. I don’t remember the last time I’ve had so much fun.” 

Kibum nodded happily. “Me too.” 

An expectant silence fell between them and Jinki realized that his hands (holding onto a few shopping bags) felt clammy.

He didn’t want the day to end. Didn’t want Kibum to leave. “Do you want to…” _come up?_

Kibum took a deep breath and with difficulty answered with a pained ‘no’. It was too soon to be alone in private, both of them knew it. Logically knowing it didn’t prevent them to feel the disappointment. 

“There’s school tomorrow morning,” Kibum added, sounding as if he was trying to convince himself more than give an excuse to the other.

“Right. School.”

Jinki bit onto his bottom lip and started rocking on his feet too, looking everywhere but at the high schooler. He took a deep shaky breath.

“Then… I’ll be going.”

“Yeah.”

He awkwardly waved his hand. “See you.”

He had just turned around when Kibum called him.

“Jinki.”

“Yes?”

Kibum took a step closer and leaned in. He left a kiss on Jinki’s left cheek, lingering there just a second more than necessary. When it was over, their eyes locked and Kibum blushed. Jinki smiled. “What was that?”

“A first date good night kiss?”

Jinki found his embarrassment so cute that he couldn’t help smiling wider. “Stop handling me with kid’s gloves, Kibum. I’m okay. I can handle a proper good night kiss. Here,” he tapped his lips with his index finger and Kibum covered the elder’s face with his own hand.

“ _Slow_ , remember?”

Jinki grabbed Kibum’s wrist, took a quick step forward and tilted his head to leave a butterfly-like kiss on the younger’s lips.

“This is slow enough,” he breathed onto Kibum’s mouth.

“You’re such a tease, I can’t believe that you don’t normally need to shoo people off with a stick.”

The elder chuckled. He would have never imagined himself behaving like this around anyone else, but he didn’t say that out loud. He took a step back. 

“Goodnight, kid.”

Kibum’s eyes lingered on the door even when Jinki wasn’t in sight anymore. “Night, old man.”

\---

Minho flopped in the chair beside his best friend and put a business card on the book Kibum was reading. “Do you think this is the real thing?” he inquired, ignoring the glare the other sent him. 

Kibum exasperatedly stopped trying to solve his math problem (he had a month of shitty grades to mend for, for God’s sake! Couldn’t he study in peace?) and looked over to the little piece of paper, irritated and confused. It took him half a second to recognize the color and the logo on it. “How- holy cow, how in the world did you get this?!” 

He studied the card with disbelieving eyes. 

Minho shrugged. “I was in Hongdae with some friends yesterday and this woman stopped me and asked me if I wanted to be an idol. Said I got the visual for it.”

“You got street casted?!” The few people still in class for lunch break turned towards the two friends, curious. Kibum lowered his voice and hissed. “By _SM_ nonetheless?” 

“She said to call her if I was interested, but I’m not sure.”

“What aren’t you sure about? This is a one in a million chance, do you even realize that? Normal people have to _audition_ their asses off to get in.”

“Stop being an envious fuck, Kibum, I’m being serious here.”

Kibum grimaced. “I hate good looking people the most.” 

A kick almost made Kibum fall off of his chair. 

“Look. I got street casted-”

“-by SM,” Kibum snarled.

“Yeah, by SM, and-”

“-one of the big 3.”

Another kick managed to successfully land Kibum on his ass. 

“Shut up for a second and let me speak!”

Kibum climbed back on his chair with his eyebrows drawn close and his lips closed tight. 

“I’ve never thought about becoming an idol. Honestly, that’s your dream. Taemin’s dream. I’ve been watching you guys dance for the past year, and I can’t do anything of the sort. Not in a million years. Being street casted means that I get to skip the audition part, but being in SM as a trainee doesn’t make me qualified to debut. How many chances do I really have to be part of a real group?”

“I feel like punching you in the face right now, just so you know.” 

“Kibum!”

“You’re an idiot. You got street casted, it means they need a visual. Do you even know how idols groups are composed? You don’t need to be able to do anything else but look fine on camera.” 

“Sounds nice,” Minho deadpanned. 

“Welcome to reality, buddy! They will probably teach you how to rap, if you can’t do anything else, and then put you in group that needed a tall, huge-eyed sweetheart to skyrocket their average visual.”

“I hate your fucking guts. You’re complimenting me and insulting me at the same time.” 

“Nothing insulting in what I said. You have the look, some of us don’t even have that, so you don’t get to complain.” 

Minho rolled his eyes. “Self-pitying doesn’t suit you, Kibum.” 

With a sigh, Kibum took the business card between his fingers, pointed it towards Minho and peeked seriously at him from behind the rectangular of pink and white paper. “Have you got a better idea of what you want to do with your life?”

“I want to be a soccer player.”

“I thought your father had already made clear that you won’t make it because you suck balls.” 

“He didn’t even let me try!”

“And I haven’t seen you _trying_. Unless playing soccer on Playstation is your idea of training. Your school career isn’t much better, so I’m supposing that you won’t go to university? So what, Minho? What are you going to do after high school?”

Minho parted his lips to protest but had to look away when he realized that Kibum was right. He didn’t know. He didn’t have a plan. 

“Right. So what are you unsure about? This is a great chance. If you don’t like just posing for the camera, you’ll be able to try a ton of other things. Being an idol opens many doors, Minho, maybe you’ll discover that you’re a good announcer, a good actor? A good looking face isn’t everything you have to be, it’s only how you get started, and, as I said, not all of us have that privilege, so you don’t get to complain.”

Kibum stamped the business card on Minho’s forehead with a raised eyebrow and went back to his homeworks before Minho could blurt something sappy. He shivered at the idea. 

\---

“Wow. What happened to you?”

“Hi to you too,” Jinki sat at the table in front of Sunyoung with a greeting smile, then tilted his head in confusion. “What happened to me?”

“Is this a special occasion or something?” 

“I don’t think I’m following you, Sunyoung…”

“I don’t see you for... How long has it been? Around three weeks? And now you’re suddenly the new GQ model! When did you develop fashion sense?” 

Jinki looked at his outfit for a moment, then blushed. “Kibum took me shopping.”

Sunyoung paused, eyeing him suspiciously and making the other feel very self-conscious. “You went shopping with Kibum,” she repeated. 

“Yeah.”

“Since when are you so intimate?”

Jinki stared, dumbfounded. “Shopping is intimate?” 

“When Kibum choses your outfits and you let him dress you? Hell, yeah. Kibum dresses well, but has also some crazy ideas, you are never sure what he’s gonna make you wear. Letting him choose for you is a huge proof of trust!”

Jinki laughed at that. “He was good to me. Only choose things I could handle.”

“He studied you enough to know what you could pull off,” she agreed. “So here comes back my question - when did you two get so intimate? Is Kibum the reason why I haven’t seen you for so long? People tend to disappear from planet Earth when they get close to Kibum. He has that charm. Attracts people to him like a calamite.” 

Jinki didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t expected the conversation to immediately turn to Kibum, especially because of _his clothes_. His leg started jumping because of his nerves. Did they give him away? Was it so obvious that he wasn’t straight anymore? Not that he had ever been, but… Was his new appearance going to be a problem from now on? Would people on the subway know? At university? When he eventually found a job? Would they be able to tell? Would they look at him differently? 

Jinki’s heart beat picked up. Sunyoung seemed to grow more suspicious by the second, but maybe it was only his paranoia. He hoped it was.

“Whe- When he came home last time… He met my parents, and you know how mom is, she saw that he was an high schooler and started bragging-”

“-about you ranking second in the whole school during you last year. She always does that.” Sunyoung completed, chuckling. 

Jinki strained a smile, trying to calm himself. “Right. He happens to be having difficulties at school lately so mom proposed me as a volunteer for tutoring him and, well, we met some in the last three weeks. To study.” 

“I thought Kibum was good at school though?” 

“He…” Jinki diverted his eyes. “Was distracted, apparently. Concentration loss.” 

He didn’t notice her hands twitching. 

“I see. Well, good thing you can help him, right?” 

“Yeah. But let’s order, ahjumma is sending us pretty threatening looks, she’s gonna gonna kick us out soon if we don’t.”

Jinki looked over at the impatient woman who kept glancing at them while hurriedly serving the other tables and welcoming new people in the kimbap cheonguk, but Sunyoung didn’t move his eyes from his expression. 

“Kibum likes you, did you know?” 

Jinki’s head snapped back. “Sorry?” 

“Kibum likes you,” she repeated. “And I don’t mean as a friend.”

They eyed each other wirily for a few seconds, then Jinki wiped his hands on his jeans and with the most controlled voice he could muster tried to find a way out of the impending conversation. “Did he tell you that?” 

Sunyoung didn’t acknowledge his question immediately, she called for the busy woman to take their orders instead, then looked back at him and snorted. “As if he needed to. He’s not exactly trying to hide it.” 

“I’m not sure why you’re telling me this,” he managed.

Sunyoung opened her mouth to protest, but got interrupted by the impatient ahjumma, who asked for their orders. 

The kimbap cheonguk was getting busier by the minute, welcoming people on their lunch break, and the woman didn’t have time for young adults hanging around to speak of God-knows-what when other people had limited time to eat and she needed more empty seats. If Jinki had known where his conversation with Sunyoung was going to go, he would have chosen another meeting place. One where nobody would have cared if he left his food untouched because of the knot in his stomach, and definitely one where they didn’t need to whisper not to be heard by the closest seated person. 

It was fortunate that Jinki had been thinking about what he wanted to eat since that morning, because his mind couldn’t concentrate on food right then. He ordered a bowl of kimchi jjigae, while Sunyoung asked for bibimbap and an egg roll to share. Jinki doubted that he would ever finish his lunch, forget about the egg roll, but he didn’t say anything. As soon as the woman left, Sunyoung went back to their conversation. 

“Do you think that I didn’t notice how he looked at you on Christmas Eve?”

“Uh? Why, how was he looking at me?”

The ahjumma came back with side dishes. They thanked her. 

“There’s no way you haven’t noticed, you looked extra uncomfortable! If you hadn’t stood up to go to the toilet then, I would have said something to Kibum. I know you know, oppa. He followed you to the toilet when I couldn’t stop him, you can’t tell me it was casual. Not after he had been openly staring at you in the hall. Did that have anything to do with the reason why he asked me where to find you? The reason why you have been hiding by your folks until now? Did he do something to you on Christmas Eve, oppa?”

_Ah, fuck._ “I wasn’t hiding,” he protested, busying himself with the wood box on the side of the table to prevent Sunyoung of noticing the panic in his eyes. He opened it and took out two chopsticks-spoon sets, handing one to her. “It was Christmas. I felt lonely in my apartment,” he lied. “Kibum and I only had a misunderstanding, when he took me home after the party - he came to apologize.”

“He said you weren’t feeling well that day.”

“I wasn’t. Maybe I had drunk too much?”

“Oppa, you didn’t even finish your drink. I’m not even sure if you took two sips of it!”

Jinki stuffed his mouth with some _mung_ bean sprouts. “Guess it was something else,” he mumbled.

The exasperated and incredulous look thrown at him made it difficult to swallow the food, he had to chew on it for a while before forcing it to go down. 

“Oppa,” Sunyoung tried to start again, but the ahjumma came right then to position their orders on the table and Jinki mentally thanked her for her timing. Nausea hit him at the strong smell of the hot, spicy soup. 

He glanced at Sunyoung and found her looking at him with a serious expression, her shoulders rigid. She didn’t believe his acting one bit. 

“What was your misunderstanding about, oppa? You’re being very vague about the whole issue and I really don’t like that. Did Kibum do something to you? Should I talk to him? Seriously, I don’t think he would ever do anything bad to anyone, but considering the way he was looking at you...”

Her voice trailed off and Jinki felt irritation blossom in his stomach. What exactly was she trying to imply now? “You keep saying that, how was he looking at me?”

“You _know_ how he was looking at you.”

“Is it so bad that you can’t even say it, Sunyoung?” 

The biting tone of his question made Sunyoung falter for a second, but she regained confidence immediately, committed to her goal. She was going to get the truth one way or another. 

“He was looking at you like he wanted to eat you, oppa. Should I elaborate? I’m not sure that you would like that, considering that people are eavesdropping our conversation already.” 

He didn’t need to look around to realize that at least the people who were close enough had stopped speaking among themselves. 

“So what it is that you’re trying to say, Sunyoung? I don’t get it.”

“I’m trying to say that I’ve been worried about you. I _am_ worried. And I don’t get why you’re lying to me and trying so hard to get me off of your back. I mean, I understand if you’re embarrassed, it’s not everyday that you get hit on by a _male_ , but if that’s the case, I’m just asking you to tell me, so I can help. Kibum can be pretty stubborn when he wants… someone. You’re always nice to everyone, if he’s making you uncomfortable-”

Jinki had stopped listening. 

_Embarrassed._

The word resonated in Jinki’s head like an accuse, weighting his stomach down. 

“I’m not _embarrassed_ ,” he almost snarled, his breathing getting shorter. “You don’t need to worry about me, if you know that I’m trying to get you off my back maybe it means that you shouldn’t _pry_. Seems pretty basic common sense to me.”

Sunyoung didn’t seem fazed by the sharp tone. “But Kibum-”

Jinki slammed the chopsticks on the table, and the kimbap cheonguk grew silent. “ _Kibum_ is your _friend_!” he snapped. “You are talking about him as if you think he’s some kind of assaulter, do you even hear yourself? He likes man, he’s not a monster, Sunyoung!”

With her eyes big and shocked, she backed away. “That- Oh my God, I never meant to imply that, I- Oppa, I just-”

Jinki looked away, ashamed of his reaction and furious at the same time. Kibum hadn’t done anything Jinki didn’t want. _It’s me who craved those looks_ , he wanted to growl. He wanted to tell the truth to Sunyoung, but was he ready? Was she ready to hear it? Was that how she was going to speak about him behind his back if he did tell her? 

“You realize that you just blurted out about Kibum’s feelings without asking him for permission, right? You’re right, I knew. Contrary to what you seem to think about him, he’s a straightforward and honest person. He told me, directly. If I considered it uncomfortable and _embarrassing_ I would have simply told him and he would have backed off. _That’s_ the kind of person he is.”

The shocked expression on Sunyoung’s face (the one which was probably reflected on a few people in the kimbap cheonguk) made the knot in his stomach tighten. Was she connecting the dots? Could she tell that what he meant wasn’t that Kibum and he had found a compromise but that he accepted and _reciprocated_ Kibum feelings?

“I’m an adult, Sunyoung,” he added, his throat dry and his hands shaking. “And he’s a kid. You’re worrying for the wrong person. Whatever happens between Kibum and I, it’s none of your business.” 

Before Sunyoung could look away in shame or try to make excuses, Jinki took some change from his jacket pocket and left it on the table, ignoring the stares that followed him when he left. 

\---

He loved it. The feeling of his muscles getting stretched, muscles he usually didn’t even realize he had getting sore while following the beat of the music. His eyes tracked every movement of his reflection in the mirror, teaching him where he needed to sharpen them - put more energy in one step, more fierceness in the other, more sensuality in the slower section of the song. At the same time, they learned how to keep themselves fixed and communicative on a decided spot without ever forgetting of their surroundings, as if he was on camera and an audience was cheering for him. He had to use space, all the space. Fill it. Own it. 

He didn’t stop dancing when he heard the door open. He kept going, sweat dripping from his forehead and drenching his shirt. 

He vaguely heard the thump of a backpack hitting the floor, the rustle of a jacket following, then Taemin’s reflection appeared in the mirror next to his. He greeted with a shy smile and picked up the choreography without even blinking, his feet immediately starting to move in sync with Kibum’s. 

The elder reciprocated the smile and started putting even more energy in his movements - he always needed to give it all to be on par with the mass of talent that Taemin was. He needed that fierceness (all the violent snaps of his arms and legs) not to be overshadowed by the elegance Taemin brought in the room when he danced. Naturally, fluidly, like he was skipping on water. Like flying. 

One step. Two steps. Turning to each other and grasping hands. Push each other away. One step. Two steps. Split and up again. 

One two three, one two three… 

By the time the playlist started over, both of them were sprawled on the floor, their chest rising rhythmically, their panting ragged and their eyes closed. 

The first one getting up was Taemin. The music stopped and he walked over to Kibum, taking one of his legs and helping him stretching it. 

A grunt came from the body still half dead on the floor. Taemin kept clumsily trying to help his hyung come back to life by bending the leg at the knee and pushing it towards Kibum’s chest. 

“Taem-ah,” Kibum snorted a laugh. “Are you caressing me? I can barely feel it.” 

The kid blinked. “Hyung, I’m putting all my strength in it,” he protested, trying to put his whole weight into the motion. Even drenched in sweat his weight amounted to nothing, but Kibum let him do whatever he wanted, watching the kid with a fond smile. 

As Kibum predicted, Taemin gave up pretty fast when he realized that helping Kibum stretch was more tiring than dancing ten songs in a row. He sat on the floor, exhausted, and waited for his hyung to get up, walk to his backpack and come back with a candy, like he always did. 

When he didn’t, the kid tilted his head. “Hyung?”

Kibum didn’t answer immediately, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. “Nah, Taemin-ah.”

Taemin shuffled closer, and Kibum turned towards him. 

“Are you going to audition this time?”

“You think I’m ready?”

“You were born ready, Taem.” 

“What about you?”

Kibum looked back at the ceiling, then put an arm over his eyes and resisted the urge to sigh. “Maybe.” 

“You should,” Taemin insisted. “You’re good, hyung. You’ve been working really hard, why wouldn’t you?”

Kibum grimaced. “I’m good, aren’t I?”

The note of sarcasm was lost to Taemin, who simply nodded. The elder couldn’t see him, but he could feel the sincerity radiating from him. 

Kibum just loved the damn kid so much, sometimes he thought that he would selfishly englobe him if he could, make him part of himself, so he could never leave, so that Kibum could protect him and keep him for himself at the same time. But he couldn’t. Taemin was Taemin. Kibum couldn’t be Taemin. Taemin was born to be big, to shine, he was born to be on stage, there was no amount of hard work that could make Kibum Taemin. No matter how much Taemin could inspire him to do more, Kibum couldn’t reach. 

Discouragement made Kibum feel nauseous. 

He had never told anyone that he had already failed. The previous year, after coming to Seoul, he had tried the audition once and he hadn’t gotten through. Better dancers, better singers, better looking boys had overshadowed him easily. He hadn’t stood a chance. 

He had contemplated giving up on the idea of becoming an idol for a while, but dancing wasn’t only something he wanted to do in the future, it was something that helped him vent his frustrations, and to stop doing it wasn’t an option. That was how he had found himself opening the door of this same practice room, one day, too distracted to check for it to be empty, and had found himself staring at Taemin. 

Skinny and tiny, sporting a childish bowl cut and wearing a shirt that looked like it could have been second handed by a big brother, Taemin had kept dancing and popping and skipping on his feets, seemingly too concentrated to care about the sudden stranger staring at him with transfixed eyes. 

Goosebumps had raised on Kibum’s skin when Taemin eyes had shifted towards him, but Taemin’s expression hadn’t changed. The kid didn’t see him, Kibum had realized. His eyes had been shifting, but he hadn’t been _seeing_. 

Kibum had felt like he had walked into a couple making love but he hadn’t been able to stop watching. 

Dancing while keeping all emotions bottled up inside himself instead of externalizing them fiercely like Kibum always did, Taemin danced for nobody but himself. He managed to coinvolge and attract simply by being evidently passionate about what he was doing. 

Watching Taemin for long moments, Kibum had forgotten about any bad emotion he had planned to vent and before he could have realized it, his feet had started moving on their own. 

When the kid had finally focused his eyes on the boy dancing next to him, they had been dancing together for what felt like hours, but Taemin hadn’t uttered a word to acknowledge it. The faint curve of a bashful smile lightening his expression had been the only sign that he knew that Kibum was in the room, and that was how the other had realized how young Taemin probably was. A middle schooler. 

Later, when they had been sprawled on the floor, Kibum had offered him a candy and the kid had chewed on it happily. Kibum had nagged at him not to accept candy from strangers, and Taemin had smiled as if Kibum was the naive kid of the two. 

“No one who dances with me is a stranger, hyung,” he had said. 

Kibum had never been able to consider stopping dancing again after that. He had to keep up with Taemin so that Taemin would chew on more of his candies, he always told himself. But Taemin would pass the audition. He had no doubts about it. He didn’t know if he was going to be able to offer more candy when that happened. 

He could now. 

When the nausea had receded, he took one out of his pants pocket, unwrapped it and extended it to Taemin. Taemin bent to take it between his lips and started suckling on it. Kibum smiled. 

“I’ll think about the audition.”

\---

It was dark and raining outside when Kibum left the practice room. 

He welcomed the ache coming off of his body and concentrated on it for his whole subway ride home, avoiding lingering to any other of the contrasting feelings fighting each other in his head. 

He walked around Miya’s and down the alley that took to his apartment behind the diner, set on avoiding his friend (the shop had looked crowded anyway, she was probably busy in the kitchen), getting a hot shower and sleep his self-pitying thoughts away as soon as possible. 

With repressed anger, Kibum kicked a innocent stone. It rolled further away then he had predicted, rebounding with a dull thud against something that definitely hadn’t been the wall. 

Confused eyes moved up and searched the dark. The first thing he saw admist the rain was the red hue of a burning cigarette, then the smoke, and finally the person breathing it in. 

“Jinki?” 

The elder didn’t acknowledge him and Kibum moved closer, immediately perceiving that something had happened. Internally flinching, he walked closer to the elder, settling under the roof next to him to repair himself from the rain. He leaned into the wall and waited, feeling nervous. 

He wasn’t in the best mind disposition to take care of Jinki. He was actually in what he called his bratty mode - upset and tired enough to snap to people that said something wrong. Normally he would have just asked the other person to leave, to give him some time and space, sleeping it off always worked, but this was Jinki, and Jinki didn’t know about this part of Kibum yet. The silence stretching between them suggested that it wasn’t the right moment to explain this side of him to the elder. 

The cigarette burned up until the filter and Jinki reached out in his coat pocket for his portable ashtray before throwing the bum inside. He sighed then, and closed his eyes. “You’re late,” he whispered. 

Kibum looked at him apologetically. “I was with Taemin.” 

“Dancing?” 

“Yeah.” 

Jinki seemed to consider his words for a moment, his eyes opening and his head tilting to look up at the cloudy sky. “I’ve never seen you dance,” he muttered, eventually. 

“You did. At the karaoke.” 

“That wasn’t you dancing seriously.”

Kibum didn’t correct him. “You didn’t really miss anything worth watching,” he answered in the same hushed voice, feeling his own words settle bitterly low in his stomach. 

Jinki didn’t comment, and Kibum’s eyes searched his expression, finding it troubled. He looked displeased by Kibum’s answer; his lips were shut close in a thin, severe line. Kibum shifted on his feet, feeling uncomfortable. 

With rigid motions, Jinki reached for his cigarette packet and extracted another stick. 

Kibum frowned and snatched it away before the elder could light it. “I thought you were trying to quit,” he commented, starting to feel irritated by Jinki’s disposition.

“Trying is the key word in your sentence.” 

They glared at each other and Kibum could finally see in Jinki’s face, now that he was facing him - he looked upset. It could be seen in the hunted color of his eyes and in the down-curved angles of his usually smiling lips. 

The same expression might have easily been reflected on Kibum’s face for how Jinki’s eyes searched in confusion over his features. 

Kibum looked away, feeling exposed, and rolled Jinki’s cigarette between two of his fingers, nervously, before bringing it to his lips and close them around the filter. 

The image had the time to be imprinted in Jinki’s mind before the elder grabbed the offending stick from him and took it back. 

Kibum didn’t protest. 

“Did anything happen?” Jinki questioned. He put the cigarette back in the package and shoved the whole thing back in his jacket pocket, far from the other. 

“I don’t know,” Kibum answered, his eyes fixed on his own shoes, his hands in the pockets of his coat. “Did it?” 

Jinki frowned. “You look nervous.” 

Kibum’s mouth tilted up at that. “Is the pot calling the kettle back?” 

“Shut up, I fucked up big time today. I’m not nervous, I’m… disappointed.”

“In me?”

Jinki frowned again, feeling unsettled by the vulnerable tone he could discern in the younger’s voice. “No, not you. Why would I be disappointed in you? Am I missing something?”

Kibum bit his lip. “Sorry, no. Tell me what happened.” 

With a heavy and deep sigh, Jinki started telling what had happened just some hours before with Sunyoung, his hands clenching and unclenching in repressed rage, while he referred what she had said about Kibum. 

Kibum listened without uttering a word, his silence getting as heavy as the weight in his stomach. 

“I got so angry! I’m still angry thinking about it! I just can’t believe what she was implying.” 

“I can,” Kibum interrupted then, with a small voice. His damp bangs were mostly covering his eyes and Jinki couldn’t read his expression. 

“What do you mean?”

Kibum shrugged. “She didn’t say anything that wasn’t true, that’s what I mean.” 

“She implied-”

“She gathered some facts and drew her conclusions. Can you really blame her for it? She’s worried about you.” 

“Does that make it any better? She’s your friend!”

“She’s yours first and foremost.” 

Jinki couldn’t rebut to that. 

Kibum looked at the sky. “You must have thought the same before.” 

“I’ve never-”

“Don’t lie.” 

Jinki pressed his lips close. 

“We both know she’s right. We know that Sunyoung isn’t seeing things, she’s being objective. I’ve been half a stalker and half a creep since we met the first time. What was the word she used? _Insistent._ ” He paused, then smirked. “I don’t think ‘insistent’ covers half of what I’ve pushed you in.” 

“Kibum-”

“You were trying to ignore it and she forced you to face the truth, that’s why you’re angry.”

Jinki’s heartbeat stuttered. This wasn’t how he had imagined the conversation to go.

He hadn’t planned to have this conversation at all, actually. After leaving Sunyoung in the kimbap cheonguk, he had gone directly to university, convinced that immerging himself in his lectures would calm him down, but by the time they were over, he was still shimmering with suppressed anger. Instead of going back to his one room, he had found himself gravitating towards Kibum’s apartment, hoping that the younger could perform his magic and make the world around him feel like a place he could survive in again. 

It was getting worse instead. 

Kibum wasn’t in his usual mood, his gaze was far away, he wasn’t reaching for Jinki, he wasn’t even _listening_. It felt like he didn’t _want_ to listen. 

Look at me. 

“That’s why I’m angry? I’ve told you why I’m angry!”

“That’s not the real reason.” 

“Right. You obviously know better than me. I had forgotten that you could read minds, Lord Almighty, forgive me.”

Kibum’s eyes flared, his body got rigid, but he still didn’t look at the elder. “I’m not almighty,” he rebutted stiffly. 

“Thank God you realize!” 

Jinki didn’t even have to read Kibum’s body language to know that he had hurt him, hit him where he was most vulnerable. He regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth, but it was too late to take them back. Kibum visibly flinched and looked incredibly smaller. 

_Look at me._

“Leave.”

Jinki’s eyes widened in surprise. “What?”

“Leave, Jinki, go. I’m not in the right state of mind to talk about this right now.” Kibum’s voice broke and whatever had angered Jinki so much vanished in thin air. 

He grabbed Kibum’s wrist and tried to make the younger look back at him, but the other insisted in looking away, struggling to get away from the elder by taking a step away, exposing himself to the rain. Jinki realized that he was shaking and only tightened his grip, following him from under the roof.

“Don’t shut me out, Kibum. What happened to you? Look at me,” he pleaded.

Kibum’s hand closed in a fist and Jinki brushed a thumb over the back of his hand, trying to get him to relax. The younger tried to get away again, but Jinki held him tight. A frustrated sound came out of Kibum’s throat, sounding like he was in pain to Jinki’s ears. When it was clear that he wasn’t getting anywhere, he stopped struggling, the both of them letting silence fall between them. 

Rain had soaked their hair and clothes through by the time Kibum breathed out shakily and deflated. His fist opened and Jinki took the chance to intertwine their fingers and hold onto Kibum’s hand reassuringly, never stopping drawing circles with his thumb, like Kibum had done so many times with him. 

When it seemed to be safe, he pulled Kibum towards him and embraced him, the kid immediately gravitating towards the crook between Jinki’s neck and shoulder and resting his head there, inhaling Jinki’s scent to ground himself. 

Moments later, warm droplets of water rolled down his collarbone and Jinki’s heart almost broke, his own eyes burning. He squeezed Kibum tighter in his arms.

_It’s only rain. Only rain..._

“I’m sorry, baby,” he heard himself whisper in Kibum’s ear. “It’s okay, it’s okay.” He didn’t even know what was wrong, nor if he was saying the right thing, he had never seen Kibum break down like this, but Kibum had comforted him in the same way so many times before, he could at least imitate him. 

“Don’t. Stop,” Kibum choked out, grabbing onto the back of Jinki’s jacket for dear life.

Jinki didn’t know what he was supposed to stop doing, but Kibum wasn’t letting go, so he supposed that at least by embracing him he was doing the right thing. They were so close that it was difficult to see where one of them begun and where the other finished. 

“Talk to me,” he repeated. “Tell me what’s wrong, Kibum.”

More tears wet Jinki’s skin. _More rain, just rain._

Kibum’s answer came in a suffered whisper, if they hadn’t been pressed one against the other, Jinki wouldn’t have heard him. 

“I _know_.”

“You know?”

“That I’m not good enough.” Kibum shook in his arms and breathed hotly and irregularly onto Jinki’s neck, making him shiver and embrace the younger tighter. 

“I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Kibum shook his head, as if he didn’t like Jinki apologizing, but Jinki kept doing it anyway, embracing him even tighter. “Seriously, I have yet to find out about something you aren’t good at,” he continued. Kibum didn’t seem to like that either, because he tried to push away from Jinki, but the elder didn’t let him, keeping a strong hold on him. “Don’t you even try. You won’t move until you’ve told me what’s wrong,” he threatened. 

“You don’t get it, Jinki,” he answered in a frustrated, hurting sound. “Good is _never_ enough. And it’s okay, I’ve been cohabiting with the knowledge since I was a kid, it’s okay, it’s okay, being able to do everything is better than not knowing how to do anything, right?”

Jinki realized that it sounded like something someone else had told him and that Kibum had been repeating it to himself for years, to the point where it had lost its meaning. He was saying the words but he didn’t believe in them anymore. 

“But good isn’t enough when you want something as bad as I want you, Jinki.” 

“I don’t think I’m following you...”

Jinki pushed him away enough to rise his head with a hand and turn him so that Jinki could see his face. Kibum’s eyes and nose were red, strands of wet hair stuck to his wet cheekbones, his lips trembling and twisted in a grimace. 

“I wanted… I wanted to be that person for once. I wanted it to be me. You make me feel like it is me. And I just want to bind you to me and never let you go.”

Jinki searched his expression, confused, missing whatever connection there was between what Kibum was speaking about before and their relationship. He questioned the only thing that sounded contradictory to him. “Then why did you just ask me to leave?” 

The guilty expression on Kibum’s face made Jinki’s stomach drop, the connection suddenly revealing itself in his mind.

“You are so _unfair_.” Jinki pushed Kibum away and the younger stumbled back, looking at the floor. “I get it. You were _testing_ me. You’re still thinking about me leaving on Christmas Eve, aren’t you? You’re guilt tripping yourself into thinking that you should let me go, because you aren’t good enough to handle the baggage I brought with myself and if I had left right now, I would have confirmed it for you.”

Kibum’s breath ceased, his thoughts mixing wildly in his head. No. It wasn’t- he only wanted to protect Jinki. He was just upset, he hadn’t thought so far, he- he was… 

“But you’re wrong! I wasn’t _leaving_ you on Christmas Eve. I was confused, I needed time.” 

_… afraid._

Kibum finally locked eyes with him then, his fists closed tight, his expression wild in hurt. 

“This is exactly it, Jinki! Don’t you get it? This is what I’m saying, I wasn’t supposed to do that. I wasn’t supposed to push you so far, you _weren’t_ ready! You don’t know what you are doing yet and-”

“You’re the one who doesn’t get it!” Jinki’s voice echoed in the alley and he had to breath in and out more than once to calm himself down enough to lower his voice so that all Itaewon didn’t hear them. “ _You_ are the one who left, Kibum! You knew that I wasn’t ready to reach out to you, but you never contacted me again after Christmas Eve. It was never your pushing, what hurt me was you _giving up_ on me. I couldn’t handle it alone, Kibum. You let me go when you were supposed to help me through it, lead me! And now you’re chickening out of it again!”

“This is new for me too, Jinki! There was never someone- before you I never-,” one of his hands went through his drenched hair to push them back in frustration. “I fucked up, I didn’t know what I was supposed to do either! You’re right, I’m supposed to lead you, but what if _I can’t_? What if I’m not _good enough_? What if I can’t give you what you need but someone else-”

Kibum was on the ground before he could finish his sentence. With his eyes as big as balls and soaked like a kitten, he stared at the asphalt in shock. A trembling hand brushed his pulsing check before he turned and looked up at Jinki’s still raised fist. 

Jinki straddled him and grabbed the collar of his shirt with his mouth twisted in an ugly and heartbreaking pout. 

“That’s for me to decide, you asshole!” Jinki shouted, scrolling him and Kibum’s eyes followed the drops of water flowing on his checks. _Rain, just rain_ , Jinki repeated in his head. That was why he couldn’t _see_. “The only thing you’re supposed to do without failing is hold onto me for dear life, not push me away when I start believing that I fucking want you too! _You_. You fucking brat, nobody else! Would I spend my days counting how many minutes are left before I can see you again otherwise?! You fucked up once, wow, great fucking deal. I did too. We both did. You’re human, Kibum, remember? And you say you don’t act almighty! We’re both new to this, we can learn, you don’t need to be Mr. perfect to deserve to be by my side, or whatever bullshit you’re telling yourself.”

Jinki was panting, Kibum peering at him with the most vulnerable expression he had ever seen on the younger, unable to say a word.

A pained and frustrated sound came out of Jinki’s throat. “What isn’t convincing you exactly?” 

Kibum swallowed. “Why me?”

“Why fucking _not_?” Jinki rebutted, exasperate. “Has anybody answered my silent scream for help in the past six years? Nobody but you! Why would I need somebody else when I have you? Do you think _Kibums_ grow on trees? I don’t get how your shitty teenager mind works, for fuck’s sake! Good isn’t enough? _Fuck you_ ,” he spat. “You’re the only good I want and that makes your good my best!” 

Kibum stared for long moments, stricken speechless, while their breaths mingled together between them. Color and warmth spread on Jinki’s face. He looked away, chewing on his bottom lip and Kibum blinked once, then twice, then once more, absorbing everything Jinki had just told him. His lips slowly stretched and he was smiling, shaking his head. A soft chuckle soon turned into his ridiculous laugh and he was wailing.

“What now?! You’re crazy! You’re like a girl on her period, fucking lunatic!”

Kibum let himself fall completely on the ground. Jinki let him go and looked at him stretching his arms wide, rain falling and rolling on his whole body, his laugh sounding like he was having the best time of his life and choking on tears at the same time. 

A smile crept on Jinki’s face too, he couldn’t help it. “Are you sure you aren’t on drugs, kid?” 

“Fuck, old man.” He raised his eyelids and peered at Jinki through his eyelashes. His eyes were sparkling, or maybe it was the rain. “There’s no going back now. I really think I’m in love with you.” 

Butterflies exploded in Jinki’s stomach, and for a second he forgot to breathe. He swallowed the happy knot that formed in his throat. 

“Good,” he scoffed, his voice rougher than expected. “Now that you have stated the obvious, will you stop being a whimp?” 

Kibum considered him. “What if I push you too far?”

“Again with this? What did you give me a safe word for if I don’t use it when you push me too far? Am I supposed to put it in a song?”

Kibum bit onto his bottom lip, unable to stop smiling, and Jinki couldn’t help smiling back. He knew right then what he had to say. He knew the words. Kibum had used them with him before. 

“I’m not gonna let you hurt me, so let go, brat,” he took a deep breath. “I need you to trust me too.” He bent with his hands at both sides of Kibum’s head and left a kiss on his soft wet lips. Kibum’s hand fisted his shirt, but didn’t push him away. “Let go,” Jinki murmured. 

Few seconds and a meaningful, heavy look later, Kibum was grabbing his jaw and opening his mouth forcefully, rolling them over so that his body could press against Jinki’s every angle and curve, their breaths and tongue mingling and clicking in the silence of the alley. 

Jinki closed his eyes and let Kibum be everything he ever needed. 

_It was only rain. Salty rain._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- [This](https://40.media.tumblr.com/7f7e22dd553376e0c57d7e461bac8490/tumblr_o0pmejaytw1v0e7bwo1_1280.jpg) is the gray coat / red scarf outfit Jinki is wearing at the beginning of the chapter  
> \- I would like to explain what a [kimbap cheonguk](http://koreachangup.co.kr/upload/goods_img/%EA%B9%80%EB%B0%A5%EC%B2%9C%EA%B5%AD%EC%82%AC%EC%A7%84\(1\).jpg) is but I'm not sure how to describe it. People mostly go there to eat cheap (the menu is always insanely various) and fast. It's an extremely busy place to be in during lunch and spending time chit-chatting isn't recommended lmao   
> \- [Mung bean sprouts](https://vegan8korean.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/img_2495.jpg)  
> \- (If any of you doesn't know) Kibum failing is first audition for SM is something that really happened. He auditioned once in 2005 and wasn't accepted, then auditioned again in 2006. Minho was street casted (I think this is basic information, but yeah, just in case. Not that it's relevant to know to understand the fiction...)
> 
> This said. This chapter kinda wrote itself. I've mostly written this fiction exploring Jinki's POV and his feelings, but in the months that has taken me to write this I realized that there wasn't enough about Kibum. Kibum's thoughts, wishes and especially his flaws. I wanted to remind the readers that Kibum is still a teen. Even if he likes to give filthy orders to Jinki and performs some hardcore magic, he's also a brat having his first big experience, which, considering Jinki's issues, isn't exactly easy to handle. I hope that you enjoyed this chapter despite the PG15 _ish_ rating (something that doesn't happen often in this fiction lmao). Love you all!  <3


	7. Part VII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Notes and warnings for this chapter, PLEASE READ BEFORE GOING ON:** This chapter contains BDSM and I don’t mean the mild kind. I’ve never written real BDSM, despite reading a lot about it. Kibum and Jinki both aren’t veterans either, so I hope you’ll forgive me for terrible descriptions and them for being reckless. They are learning as they go ;) 
> 
> This chapter also deals with part of Jinki’s past and it isn’t going to be pretty. I had to cut it and save the rest for next chapter because it was getting awfully long, so you won’t read what Jinki considers the worst part of it, but I hope it will answer some of your questions. 
> 
> \- "Welcome to Bumie's World" comes from [Me2Day update](http://myjinki.blogspot.it/2011/10/me2day-111017-key-me2day-update.html) Key made in 2011.  
> \- _Hansot_ [is a chain shop where you can buy take away meals](https://www.google.it/search?q=hansot&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwi-pYLR0anMAhULBBoKHc-yDFEQ_AUICSgD&biw=1366&bih=643&dpr=1#tbm=isch&q=hansot+dosirak). They make the best curry in my opinion and sell it by itself in thermo packages that you can put in your microwave to eat. It’s awfully cheap.  
>  \- _Abnormal Summit_ or Bijeongsanghoedam is a korean TV show where foreigners living in Korea speak about Korean culture from foreigner’s perspective.   
>  \- The Park Jimin mentioned in this story has nothing to do with idol Park Jimin.  
> \- _Homo Hill_ : "[A hill with a handful of gay bars to choose from, and a few clubs for after hours, the area is where Seoul’s gay nightlife really gets going.](http://mygaytravelguide.com/gay-guide-seoul-1640)” 

They stumbled upstairs in a confused heap of drenched limbs and wandering hands. 

Their kisses turned from emotionally charged to heated and hungry in a matter of seconds, the need to feel each other closer strong and magnetic between them. Unable to put a stop to their make out session to take notice of where they were putting their feet, they collected more than a few bruises on their way up. 

By the time they reached the entrance door, both their groins had grown heavy and hot and it took them another bunch of minutes of insistent groping and grinding and the voices of customers talking at the back of Miya’s to get them separate long enough for Kibum to turn to the entrance door and punch the key code in. 

Taking advantage Kibum’s distraction and change of position, Jinki pressed against his back and slipped his arms around Kibum's hips, before tugging at his hard flesh unceremoniously through the fabric of his jeans, as his teeth sank into Kibum's nape. Kibum grunted, his head swimming, and Jinki tongued the curve of his neck. 

The lock signaled that the key code was wrong with a chirping sound thrice before Kibum managed to get the door to open successfully. 

He turned back around and reclaimed Jinki’s tongue, sucking it in his mouth, as he pulled the elder inside the apartment. When the door automatically closed after them, he pushed Jinki against the closest wall and managed to put some distance between them, before bold hands grabbed his ass cheeks and pulled him back, as Jinki's hips moved towards him, successfully grounding him right where he was. 

Kibum's lips parted in a moan. "Jinki! C-calm- _ah, fuck!_ Slow down!"

A hot tongue run along the crease of his ear and his legs almost buckled, pleasure striking through him like lightning.

"No," he heard in between heavy pants. "Fuck slow. You're in _love_ with me," Jinki hissed in what Kibum registered as a satisfied rumble. 

"I said ' _I think_ '-"

He couldn't finish his rebut, interrupted by a cold hand sneaking inside his pants and grabbing his hard on roughly. A thumb swiped over his slit and Kibum’s vision went blank. Jinki's tongue invaded his mouth wetly, before he could regain control of his wit, starting a wet, sloppy kiss. 

When they separated to catch their breaths, their lustful eyes locked and Kibum's hips thrusted in Jinki's fist. Jinki smiled mischievously, tightened his grip on Kibum’s erection to give him more friction, giving it a few calculating jerks and breathed onto the younger's damp lips. 

"Fuck me."

All Kibum's movements stilled in shock, but Jinki's fist kept milking him in sensual, teasing strokes and he couldn't help the loud, long moan that left his throat, as his eyes shut and his eyebrows knitted close. 

"Make love to me, baby. Order me on my knees and make me lube you up, then take me. Right here."

"Oh, fuck." 

Jinki sucked and nipped on his lobe. "Well?"

Kibum grunted and with incredible effort managed to remove Jinki's hand from his crotch and pin it high over his head, soon followed by his other one. Panting hard and pining Jinki with wild, glazed eyes, he forced his head to clear, to regain a semblance control. 

Jinki's cock throbbed at the display of strength, still painfully confined in his jeans. Just being in such a suggestive position made him harder, causing him to unconsciously buckle against thin air in frustration. 

He reveled in Kibum's pupils dilating and focusing on the movement - riling Kibum up had just snatched the podium for his favorite things ever. 

Kibum glared at his smug smirk. "Having fun, aren’t you?"

He chewed on his bottom lip, filtrariously. "Lots, actually. Are you going to let me suck you off now?" He pointedly looked at Kibum's erection still trapped in his pants and at the dark stain of unusual visible on them, licking his lips. 

His eyes followed Kibum's movements closely when his fingers unzipped his pants and fished in his boxers to free his erection. He gave it a few swallow jerks, causing a few white drops to trickle down his length and disappear between his fingers - someone was excited. Jinki struggled, his mouth salivating, but Kibum kept him pinned to the wall and with a smirk stated: "No."

Jinki grunted and got so incredibly _hornier_. Kibum seemed to be perfectly aware of the effect that being denied had on Jinki and continued to make a show of jerking himself off and thrusting in his own fist, foreskin sliding over his glans as Jinki’s lips would have done from the other end. 

Jinki almost escaped Kibum’s grip to reach out, but the younger’s eyes pinned him where he was with unforgiving eyes and with rough, husky voice, gave him only one order: "Keep your hands on the wall." 

He could recognize that voice, it was the signal that the teasing was officially off and power play was on. 

Jinki almost defied the order, the temptation in front of him calling, but ultimately found himself complying: this game they continuously started between them was what made him hottest. Still, he had to keep his hands on the wall, he didn't have to keep his mouth shut, did he? He was done being treated as if he couldn’t take it. He could. He wanted to. He _needed_ it. Whatever Kibum had to give. 

"I would be so much tighter than that," he taunted in hushed pants. 

Kibum squeezed his erection and bit onto his swollen lip. Jinki was set on killing him today. "I'm not going to have our first time on the floor at the entrance door, Jinki," he snarled.

"Who spoke of floors? You can bend me right against this wall."

Kibum had to press at the base of his dick not to come at the mental vision of Jinki with his cheek against the wall and his ass sticking out towards him. Where had he learned to speak like that anyway? Hadn't they agreed on taking baby steps just a few weeks ago? The fucking _tease_!

"What's gotten into you all of a sudden?" he found himself asking, frustrated, his control slipping from him inexorably. 

"Nothing, unfortunately. That's the point."

Kibum grunted. "It's too soon."

"You're in _love_ with me, it _isn't_ too _soon_."

"I _think_ I'm-"

"Yes, so make love to me and stop _thinking_."

Kibum closed his eyes and took a deep, trembling breath, shaking his head, but was unable to stop the small smile that crept on his lips, amused by Jinki’s wittiness. He had to let go of his erection to reason and find a way to turn the tables. It was just so difficult to resist… He had been holding back for months at this point and it was getting harder and harder to say no. Especially when Jinki got so pushy. “Let’s compromise.” 

Jinki grunted in frustration. “I don’t want to compromise with you, you’re going to talk me out of it, and I’m telling you that I’m done waiting.”

Kibum inched closer, his lips brushing Jinki’s with every word. “You’re wrong. I’m not going to _talk_ you out of it.” His tongue traced Jinki’s upper lip and Jinki trembled. Their eyes met and Jinki felt Kibum’s smirk on his lips. “Do you know what rimming is, Jinki?” 

Heat washed over Jinki and made him dizzy for a moment. He had to close his eyes as his stomach knotted in excitement. Kibum choose that very moment to cup his cock through his pants and massaged it. Jinki twitched in his pants and he pressed himself further against the wall, not to lose his equilibrium, as a shiver run through his body.

Kibum didn’t comment on his reaction, but his lips curved in a smug smirk. “Your clothes. Off.” 

Jinki couldn’t help the hitching of his breathing. He _loved_ when Kibum went all dominant on him. He could have come in his pants right then. He probably would have if Kibum told him to. He was so incredibly _hard_. 

But, fuck. He didn’t want the rimming. Not _only_ the rimming. He wanted it all. The rimming and the sex both. There was this need pooling low in his stomach, it had been triggered by Kibum’s words and couldn’t allow him to think of anything else. He wanted Kibum to make love to him. He knew that he could convince Kibum if he really put some effort into it - he could easily put his hands and mouth on Kibum and ravish him until he couldn’t take it anymore, but his hands were still stuck against the wall instead, even if Kibum wasn’t really putting any strength in his grip anymore, because apparently he was a fucking masochist. He revealed in being denied. It was with this new awareness that he wondered what Kibum would do if he defied his orders. 

With his curiosity piqued, Jinki shrugged off of his coat and let it fall at their feet. He grabbed the hem of his damp shirt and let it follow, his eyes challenging Kibum for the whole process. Kibum enjoyed the show without uttering a word, and Jinki continued by taking off his shoes and unbuttoning his pants. They got stuck over his knees, when he dragged them down with his boxers, too tight, and an amused smirk hovered Kibum’s lips. Jinki managed to kick them off, losing a sock in the process. 

While Kibum was busy enjoying the view to recognize the glint of disobedience in Jinki’s eyes, the elder knelt and reached unceremoniously for his hips, pulling Kibum’s groin closer. Kibum had to put his hands on the wall not to lose his equilibrium as Jinki shoved his pants and boxer down to his ankles and swallowed the erection brushing his cheek, causing a string of curses to leave Kibum’s lips and his hips to shake. “Jinki!” Strong fingers pulled at the hair at the back of his head, but Jinki only found the sting of pain more erotic. He tightened the grip on the younger’s ass to keep him still and kept bobbing his head over the his hard length. 

“Oh, _fuck_.” Kibum’s hips thrusted into Jinki’s heat and Jinki felt a surge of power wash over him. Kibum was so hot for dirty, sloppy blowjobs, it made Jinki’s balls tingle. He let Kibum thrust in his mouth, loving the heaviness of him on his tongue, then looked up to meet his dilated eyes. 

He couldn’t tell if Kibum was sweating or still dripping water from the rain, but he looked amazing with his dark hair stuck to his neck and cheeks wildly and his swollen lips parted. His Adam’s apple bobbed, then his lips curved in a wicked smile. “Do you want it so bad?” he panted, then thrusted deeper into Jinki’s mouth, calculating, forcing Jinki to let go of him, his gag reflex kicking in. When the coughing was over, Kibum’s fingers slid under Jinki’s chin and raised his head, his thumb tracing his wet and swollen lips forcefully, then slipping between them. It was difficult to tell if he was stalling to tease Jinki further or to calm himself down. Jinki didn’t miss the copious amount of pre-cum sliding down his standing length and sucked the thumb in his mouth without complaining about the change, but concentrating in going slower, using more tongue and look at Kibum through half lidded and glazed eyes instead. 

Kibum’s eyebrows drew close and his lips pressed in a thin line, his breathing loud and irregular through his nose. He was so close to snapping, so so _close_ , Jinki could perceive it in his trembling, see it in his eyes. He shook just imagining what was going to come after this and moaned around Kibum’s thumb. 

“Up. _Now_ ,” he heard. 

Jinki complied without questioning, even if he struggled on his wobbly legs. It was his win. 

Kibum eyed him with a serious expression. Jinki recognized a spark of nervousness but excitement overcame it almost immediately. 

A strong hand grabbed his jaw and tilted his head slightly up. Jinki was merely an inch or two shorter than Kibum, but making him look up was a way to remind him constantly that Kibum called the shots and he had to submit. It pleased the younger and Jinki believed that it was one of the reasons why he liked to get on his knees to suck him. 

“I think something isn’t quite clear between us yet, Jinki,” Kibum said. His tone was smooth and soft, but it had a dark quality to it. It sounded as if he was reprimanding a naughty kid by displaying his disappointment and displeasure. Jinki’s toes curled. “This wasn’t what I had in mind for you, but I believe you’re in need of some special training,” he continued. His lips were just a breath away from Jinki’s, who could barely concentrate on what he was saying. He tilted his head to press his mouth against Kibum’s, but before he could, he found himself pulled by the wrist into the apartment. He stumbled onto his discarded clothes, but managed to stay upright. When Kibum let him go, he found himself in front of the backside of the couch, Kibum’s whole body pressed to him from behind. 

“Bend over,” Kibum commanded right in his hear. “Ass out.”

Jinki’s stomach churned and with numb legs, he slowly bended, putting his hands on the couch for support. His naked ass pressed against Kibum’s crotch for the whole process and he could feel the tip of his erection sliding right between his cheeks. It was so erotic that his own erection grew some more, so hard it aligned with his stomach perfectly. 

A rough hand pressed his head down roughly while the other slid around his hips to rise it up. With a leg between his slightly parted ones, Kibum pushed his feet further apart, getting him in a better and more comfortable position, not to say way more exposed one. 

“Maintain position,” Kibum intimated. Jinki swallowed, his throat dry, and the heat and pressure behind him disappeared. “Answer me, Jinki. You will maintain position or you’ll use your safe word, are we clear?” Kibum’s tone was so much more serious and authoritative than usual that it triggered memories of Jinki’s military training. He found himself slipping easily back in that mindset, feeling comfortable and safe in it. 

“Are we clear, Jinki?” Kibum thundered.

“Yes, sir.”

That seemed to surprise Kibum, that paused for a second too long and Jinki felt his cheeks grow hot. That had come out without him intending to. He didn’t really regret it, though. 

When Kibum spoke again, his tone was more intimate, his hand resting on Jinki’s lower back. “You said you wouldn’t let me hurt you. I’m going to trust you, Jinki.” His thumb caressed his skin, then left.

“You can trust m-”

The struck was so unexpected that Jinki screamed, pain spreading through his body like lightning. His head swam in confusion, his legs trembling, but before the sting could ease to a numb throbbing of his left ass cheek, another struck hit him, making him shut his eyes closed as a whine escaped his lips. 

“Count them, Jinki.”

Jinki grabbed the couch tighter but his legs felt like jelly when the third spank hit and he barely managed to breath _‘three’_ as the fourth struck almost successfully landed him on the floor. 

His eyes filled with tears and he almost flinched away by the fifth struck, but he ultimately forced himself to take it. Kibum had been clear - he needed to maintain position. Now that this was happening he knew why he had been so adamant and serious about it. He registered the burn of his backside for what it was: punishment. 

Pain seized through him again and with firmer voice he counted _‘five’_. 

He imagined that his erection would be shrinking by now, but when he raised his eyelids to check, pre-cum was dripping from it instead. 

His _‘six’_ came out in a strangled, attempted laugh. It figures he would be into this. Fuck, he had willingly brought it upon yourself, hand’t he? He had been curious about what Kibum would do if he defied his orders, and he had pushed to force it out of him. How fucked up was he to feel smug about it?

Being punished for defying orders and praised when following them properly was familiar. It was a system that had helped him put order in his head in the worst time of his life when he was in the army. Punishment hadn’t been physical then, but the principle was the same. It felt good. Straightforward and safe. 

His head being suddenly jerked back by his hair took him back to reality. “You’re not counting,” Kibum informed him in a hiss. He let go of his hair and struck him again. “ _Count._ ” 

Jinki trembled, a strange kind of pleasure washing over him as his shoulders relaxed. “Nine,” he attempted, not sure how many he had missed. 

The struck that followed was delivered harder, and Jinki screamed, his shutting close.

“Wrong,” he heard. 

Another hit came and Jinki tried again. “Ten!” 

He expected to be struck again and waited for a few seconds, but Kibum’s hand didn’t connect with his throbbing skin. He took a deep breath and his whole body shook in need when a big hand jerked his dripping cock in delicate strokes.

“Good boy. Don’t lose count again. Five more for being distracted.” 

The rewarding hand left, and Jinki took the rest of the spanking with a sense of accomplished shame, feeling like whatever had made him guilty in his life up to that point was being paid back with every spank. 

After a few more strikes, Kibum’s hands slipped around his stomach and delicately pressed Jinki’s back to his chest. Kibum pressed a warm, sweet kiss at the back of Jinki’s neck and he lingered there, panting. “You’re so perfect,” he whispered. 

Jinki shivered in his embrace, happiness washing over him, and he took delight in every butterfly kiss Kibum started leaving on his heated skin. On the top of his shoulders at first, then lower, following the path of his spine and making his toes curl and his breath catch when his lips reached his tailbone and still continued lower. 

Bold hands parted his ass cheeks and Jinki whimpered for the pain, but it was soon forgotten as Kibum’s hot and damp tongue swiped over his twitching hole. Sucking sounds soon followed and Jinki cried out, finding it more and more difficult to maintain position. He pushed his ass back and Kibum’s tongue breached through his first ring of muscles and Kibum guided his hips towards his intruding tongue, lapping in him deeper and deeper. Jinki’s whole body started shaking, his vision blurring, and a long, loud whistle echoed in his ears. 

It was different. This was completely different from usual. This wasn’t how it should happen, this wasn’t how it usually felt, _this-_

That damp heat suckled the rim of his hole and Jinki believed he was screaming in delight, but couldn’t hear himself. It was too intense. He couldn’t- _oh, fuck, he couldn’t hold it anymore-_

Kibum’s tongue slid into him again and caressed that knot of nerves inside him that had pleasure size through him and Jinki’s his clouded vision exploded in white dots, his head spinning as cum sprout out of his untouched dick.

His legs gave out, and when his eyes could focus again, long minutes later, he found himself on the floor, the comforting heat of Kibum’s embrace all around him and his lips kissing the side of his neck, murmuring encouraging words. 

“Is that…” he cleared his sore throat. He had been screaming, hadn’t he? Somehow he didn’t feel ashamed because of it. “Is that _mine?_ ” He asked, with his eyes fixed on the cum dripping from the back of the couch. Oww, that would definitely leave a stain. 

Kibum chuckled. “Well, yeah, we are kinda sitting on mine.” 

Oh, that explained the stickiness under his ass, but Jinki was too shocked to pay attention to that piece of information. “You mean I came?”

“Yeah?” Kibum paused, sounding perplexed. “Why do you sound so surprised? You were definitely enjoying it.” 

“Obviously. But that’s not the point. Did you tell me I could come and I just can’t remember it?”

“I didn’t.” 

Jinki kept looking at the white liquid in bewilderment. “How?” Jinki turned to look at Kibum. “What changed? I’ve always needed permission before, even when I was by myself I couldn’t-” He bit onto his bottom lip, feeling shy about disclosing that particular information. 

Kibum’s head tilted and he looked like he was thinking about the answer, then he left a kiss on Jinki’s nose. “I guess you don’t need the excuse anymore.”

Kibum smiled and Jinki understood. “Oh.”

Not permission. _Excuse_. He had never need someone to allow him to come, he had needed someone to take the _blame_ for him. 

Kibum nuzzled the side of his face and Jinki smiled affectionately. “Stop it, it tickles.” 

“Are you okay?” 

“Excluding that I’m sitting on your spunk with a sore ass? Yeah, apparently you fixed my dysfunctional cock, I can’t complain.”

“It always worked fine to me.” 

“You would say that. It always stands tall when you are around. Fucking slut.”

Kibum suffocated his laugh into Jinki’s shoulder. “I’m so stupidly happy right now.”

Jinki tilted his head so he could deep kiss the big smile on Kibum’s face, proceeding by liking his swollen lips. Kibum’s embrace tightened and one of his big hands grabbed the elder’s jaw, moving it towards his shoulder to expose his neck, still glistening in sweat. Kisses trailed down the pale column, leaving burning marks as Kibum’s left hand worked Jinki’s cock back to life. 

Jinki moaned quietly and his back arched sensually. “Told you,” he whimpered. “Such a fucking slut.” His sore ass was pressing on the ground, but he didn’t care. His skin was sensitive in the most delicious way and he simply let himself go to the attention. He wasn’t ashamed of needing this anymore. 

Kibum hummed against his skin and Jinki drew him for a sloppy kiss by grabbing his head.

“ _More._ ”

\----

Later, after taking a hot shower together (which had them coming all over each other again) and getting his ass covered in some miraculous cream that Kibum had meticulously applied on him, Jinki wandered into Kibum’s room, happily snuggled in the younger’s clothes, while the younger fixed them something to eat. 

He had been there before but he didn’t really get the chance to snoop around, too preoccupied in fleeing it as soon as possible. What he could clearly remember noticing back then were only Kibum’s Bart Simpson sweater and his smell impregnating the bed sheets.

He pointedly studied Kibum’s bed. Queen sized, it was covered with a blue blanket with yellow stars at the very bottom, undone. There were a few pieces of clothing discarded on it and more all around the room. On the wall over the bed there was a big framed portrait of a screaming – or so Jinki supposed – man that vaguely reminded him of Picasso’s works. Kibum had painted that, he liked Picasso, so he had said. Jinki thought for a moment that the man in the picture looked a bit like him, but the date on the painting stated that it was two years old and Jinki shrugged it off as a coincidence. He liked it. It was strange but expressive and the colors were just perfectly balanced. There really was nothing that Kibum couldn’t do. It bothered Jinki that Kibum didn’t think of himself as good enough and he reminded himself to ask Kibum more about it.

Next to the desk, was the most interesting part of the room – the library. With all Kibum’s books stocked in the bottom shelves, the piece of furniture presented a huge collection of toys in the top ones. There was a handwritten banner on the first shelf stating that he was _‘Welcome to Bumie’s World’_. Jinki smiled at that. 

Jinki peered at Kibum’s back, which he could see across the living room, through the open door, then jumped onto his bed, snuggled his pillow and sighed. 

“I can see you even if I can’t, Jinki,” Kibum called from the kitchen, a smile in his voice.

“You should come give me some company.” 

“And you should stop trying to tempt me into your pants,” Kibum rebutted. “Why are you in such a rush anyway?” He turned around with an eyebrow raised, carrying two plates in his hands and a bottle of water under his arm.

Jinki got up and followed him into the living room. He let himself drop heavily on the sofa, cursing at himself when his butt reminded him of its soreness. He set himself in the position that put the least pressure on his sore ass, as Kibum set the two plates of curry rice and the water on the coffee table, went back to the kitchen and came back with two glasses and two spoons. 

“The real question is,” Jinki started again, pointing his spoon to the younger, his expression suspicious. “How come you _aren’t_ in a rush? What kind of teenager are you?” 

Jinki grabbed one of the plates when it was offered to him and Kibum sat next to him. The delicious scent made him realize how hungry he really was and Jinki started eating, delighted at how good the curry tasted. 

Kibum shrugged next to him. “The _‘I think I’m in love’_ kind?” 

Jinki’s nose twisted in displeasure. “Stop it with the _‘I think’_ bullshit, kiddo.” 

That merely gained him an amused smile. “I need to hold onto my dignity until you’ll _think_ you love me too.” 

Jinki considered him for a second. He was pretty fucking sure that he had been in love with Kibum for a while now, but was he ready to tell him so? “Fair enough,” he concluded, dropping the topic. He took another spoonful of curry rice and observed Kibum picking at his own curry, concentrated. “What are you doing?” 

“Taking carrots out,” he answered, his expression twisted in ridicolous dislike. 

Jinki almost laughed at it. “You don’t like carrots?”

“I loathe them. They taste watery and look weird.” 

Jinki shook his head, amused, and got his own plate closer. “Put them here. I have nothing against the poor bastards.” 

Kibum scooped them into Jinki’s place, happy to be rid of them and finally started eating too. “I love Hansot’s curry, it’s the best.” 

Jinki nodded, agreeing, and they finished eating in companionable silence, distractedly watching Abnormal Summit on TV. When they were finished, they put their empty plates back on the coffee table, gulped down a glass of water each and finally felt like they could live again. 

Kibum snuggled closer to Jinki, before looking at him closely. Jinki could feel his evident erection pressing against his thigh. No matter how many times he came, Kibum kept getting hard, it was his standard mode at this point. Jinki had a hard time keeping his at bay when he was so evidently desired. He reached with a hand between Kibum’s legs and massaged it. Kibum hissed and slapped his hand away, glaring at him, too sensitive for another go. “I need a longer pause, old man.” 

Jinki shrugged. “Just checking.” 

Ignoring him, Kibum got comfy against him and peered at him with guilty baby eyes. “Are you okay?” 

“You’re _still_ asking that?” 

The kid played with the strap of Jinki’s (Kibum’s actually) sweatpants. “I just want to be sure. It went way too well, I’m expecting you to suddenly realize that you hated it and scream at me.”

Jinki snorted. “I would have screamed at you when it was happening if I hated it. Or used my safe word, but I didn’t even think about it,” he realized, then shrugged. “It was unexpected and intense, but it was nice too. Is it weird that I think that?” 

“Is it weird that I really enjoyed spanking you?” 

They eyed each other seriously for a moment, then chuckled dumbly. 

“Where did you learn to do that anyway?”

“You would be surprised of the wonders of internet free of national censorship,” Kibum said, amused. “Not the best way to learn, I guess. But I did a lot of research.” 

“Is that how you knew to move me to the couch?”

“Yeah. I could have you put your hands on your knees, but I figured you would need some kind of support for your first time. Maintaining position is important, I could have struck you in the wrong place otherwise, it wouldn’t have been safe.”

“My first time, uh?”

Kibum’s cheeks reddened. “If you’re okay with it.” 

“I think I need to do some research too. You have more than spanking you want to try, don’t you?”

“Maybe?”

Jinki snorted, then reasoned over it for a while. “So this is why it didn’t work out with Jonghyun,” he concluded then. 

Kibum eyed him in surprise. “What does Jjong have to do with anything?”

“It’s been bothering me,” Jinki admitted. “Since before meeting you ‘officially’. I think I need us to go over some ex talk.” 

Kibum’s nose scrunched up. “Jonghyun isn’t my ex,” he disagreed. “Well, not exactly,” he amended when Jinki threw him a nasty look. They glared at each other, until Kibum gave up and sighed. “What do you want to know?”

“Did you try to spank him too?” 

Kibum moaned in embarrassment and covered his eyes with a hand. “Maybe?” He peeked at Jinki through his fingers.

“ _Kibum_.” 

“Okay, okay, I did. Try, I mean. It didn’t go too well.” 

“Meaning?”

“He wasn’t into it. He probably would have gone through it without saying anything but-”

“Because he loves you.”

Kibum looked away, guilty. “Yeah…”

“But you don’t. You didn’t.” 

Kibum nodded. “We were never on the same wave length. Maybe at the very beginning. He was bi-curious, I was…”

“Horny?” Jinki supplied. 

“Hey!”

Jinki raised an eyebrow. 

“I’m an healthy teenager.”

“And yet you refuse to have sex with me.”

“That’s different.” 

A skeptical eyebrow raised. “How so?”

“I think we already confirmed that I’m not in love with Jjong.”

Jinki couldn’t help relaxing at that, his whole body humming in contentment. He propped his knees up and hugged his legs, resting his cheek on his knees. His stomach was fluttering. He flinched at the pain thrumming from his butt, but ignored it. 

“So it wasn’t because of the spanking that it didn’t work between you two?”

“No. Even though I have to admit that it was just so much more obvious how fucked up our relationship had become at that point. We were supposed to be experimenting. If he didn’t want something, he was supposed to tell me.”

“Did you give him a safe word too?”

Kibum shook his head. “No, it wasn’t like that between us. We talked about it before engaging in it, ‘stop, I don’t like it’ would have sufficed. I would have immediately stopped. It should have been that kind of easy relationship between us. I was going to try it with him because he had always been honest about what he was into before, I needed that, because BDSM is dangerous and I’m not experienced myself. He assured me that he would tell me, but ultimately he didn’t, even when it was evident that he was hating it.” He paused and shook his head, his expression hunted. “It was terrifying. The silence. How he took it without complaining, barely flinching, sniffling the pain away in the quietest way possible so that I couldn’t hear him. We were supposed to try something new together, but it felt like...” He looked away, ashamed. “Like I was abusing him.” 

Jinki reached for his hand and quietly grabbed it. 

Kibum let him, but got really small, as he had just a few hours prior in the rain. “He just wanted to please me,” he murmured. 

Jinki hesitated, pained by the turn that their conversation had taken, then closed his eyes and exhaled. “This,” he begun in a whisper. “This is the reason why I’ve got so angry at Sunyoung, Kibum.”

“What do you mean?”

Jinki looked sadly at the younger. “It doesn’t matter what her reasons were, she made you into an abuser and I can’t forgive that so easily. Maybe if it hadn’t happened to me before I could have been more understanding, but it happened and I can’t just let it go.” 

“Are you speaking about high school?” 

Jinki nodded, then smiled gently to Kibum, squeezing his hand. “It’s a long story. Want to hear it?”

His hand was squeezed back. “Yes, please.” 

And Jinki started talking. 

**\---- Around 6 years before ----**

He had found a little note in his locker in the morning, a piece of paper that asked him to meet someone who had signed themselves as 'JM' behind the gym after school.

Changsun had immediately whistled in his ear after reading the note himself from over Jinki's shoulder. Jinki hadn't really had any intention to meet this 'JM' person, but Changsun had insisted that he should at least give a chance to the girl before being so sure that he wouldn't like her. “Maybe you'll discover that she's your type and you'll get yourself a girlfriend,” he had said.

Jinki was 100% sure that she wasn't going to be his type. _She_ s weren't his type in the first place. He had yet to ask Changsun how he felt about same sex relationships though and couldn't really tell him that. That was how he had ended up waiting behind the gym after school.

He couldn’t see the entrance gate from where he was, but in the next 15 minutes, most noises quieted, the happy chattering of people died out and he soon bet that he must be the last person left in school. He waited some more, out of politeness, but even then nobody came. He looked around one last time, then decided that it was time to leave.

_Just a prank_ , he concluded. It didn't surprise him. He wasn't particularly handsome and he barely spoke with girls. There was no reason for one of them to take interest in him. It actually saved him the bother to reject them, so he wasn't going to complain about the wasted time.

He started walking away, fixing his backpack on his shoulders, when he caught something moving from the corner of his eye. He turned towards the movement and was startled to notice a student walking towards him, coming out from God knows where. Jinki's brows furrowed in confusion and he looked around, the student wasn’t really walking towards him, right? It was just a coincidence, he was just going in the same direction. But when they eventually found themselves in front of each other the boy stopped and greeted him with a smile. 

Jinki eyed him in confusion. Taller than him, the student had his hair tinted light brown, curled over his eyebrows. He had full lips and a narrow nose - he looked like someone who had to be popular in school, the kind of guy who followed idol trends and probably wanted to become one. Jinki was absolutely certain that he had never seen him before. 

“Sorry, but do I know you?” he asked cautiously. 

“Oh, right. My name is Park Jimin, I'm a second year, class 8,” he introduced himself. Apparently their classrooms were one next to the other. Jinki was surprised to realize that he had never noticed him, not even in the corridors. Not that he paid much attention to his surroundings. 

“Nice to meet you,” he answered, uncertainly, still confused about what this all was supposed to be about. “How can I help you?”

“I...” The boy looked nervous. He looked around and when he was sure that nobody was around anymore took a step closer to Jinki. “The note in your locker… JM, you know…” 

Jinki stared. _Wait. Is he telling me that he’s the one who left the note in my locker? JM as in Jimin?_

“Uh, do you perhaps need tutoring?” He asked quite doubly. 

Jimin’s cheeks vamped and Jinki felt his own cheeks grow hot. Had he said something strange? Wasn’t that it? What was it with the strange atmosphere? He was growing more and more uncomfortable. 

 

The kid struggled with himself for a while, peering at Jinki as if he wasn’t sure that he could actually come out and say it. Frustrated with himself, he finally opted for bowing deeply in front of Jinki, who had been patiently and perplexedly waiting. “I like you, hyung!” he exclaimed then. 

Jinki blinked. _Sorry?_

Well, this was out of the blue. Was it a strategy to get free tutoring? There wasn’t really any need to be so cryptic about it, Jinki hadn’t thought about being paid.

“Thank you? I guess,” he tried when the silence between them stretched. 

Jimin looked up, his expression a mix of mortified and panicked. “No, I mean... I _like_ you, hyung.” He bowed adamantly again. “Please be my boyfriend!”

The confession had the same effect of an ice bucket. Jinki's heart beat went from inaudible to racing and loud and his hands got clammy. How did Jimin know? Had Jinki done something to betray himself? Had someone else noticed? Had _Changsun_ noticed? His swallowed nervously. 

“I- I'm sorry, Jimin. I think you misunderstood something,” his voice came out more panicked than he intended. “I like girls?” Oh wow, he was so good at lying about this. He mentally clapped at himself for how convinced he sounded. 

Jimin raised his head with his eyes wide open. Jinki shifted uncomfortably under his stare, and the boy’s expression muted from shocked and hurt to suspicious and angry in a matter of seconds. He stood upright again. “No need to lie to reject me, hyung.” He sounded extremely disappointed in Jinki and guilt chewed at Jinki’s stomach. 

“I’m not lying,” he lied. He wasn’t ready to come out. Not to a stranger especially. 

That seemed to anger Jimin further. He clenched his hands in fists. “You have a crush on your best friend,” he accused with a snarl. “You _are_ lying.”

Jinki's heart threatened to escape his rib cage. _How?_ How did he know? Who was this kid? Jinki took a step back, alarmed, but Jimin followed. Unhappy, he grabbed Jinki's wrist in a tight grip to stop him from escaping.

“Let me go,” Jinki requested. His hands were sweaty and he didn’t seem to be able to escape Jimin’s grip. He was awfully strong. “What do you think you’re doing? Let me go!”

“Be my boyfriend,” Jimin repeated, not as nicely as before, completely ignoring Jinki’s distress. “Do you think it's easy to find people like me and you in this school, hyung? If we don't help each other who will help us, hyung? We should stick together.”

Jinki tried to push the younger student away by using his other hand, but Jimin didn’t budge, his expression just became more annoyed and he grabbed Jinki’s waist and pressed him to his body so that he couldn’t struggle further. “I said, let me go!”

“Liking that straight guy won't bring you any joy. He's gonna think you're sick as soon as he finds out. Who will protect you then? I can protect you, hyu-”

Before Jinki could open his mouth to protest again, Jimin hit the floor, blood dripping from his nose. Changsun was in front of him, his fist still tight and high, his ribcage heaving fast. “You sick _bastard!_ What do you think you're doing to him?!”

“Changsun!”

Changsun didn't acknowledge Jinki, too preoccupied in staring down at Jimin with a menacing glare as Jimin tried to wipe some blood with the back of his hand. He spat saliva mixed with blood on the floor, then looked back up at his attacker. “I'm giving him what he wants,” he answered, not a note of regret audible in his voice. “Ask him. He's like me. He likes dicks just like-”

Changsun was all over him before he could finish the sentence, pummeling him to the floor with more punches. “You're disgusting. There's no way Jinki could be such disgusting trash!”

“Changsun, stop! Changsun!” Jinki grabbed his arm and pushed him away from the younger with adrenaline driving him. When he managed to land Changsun on the floor a few feet away from Jimin, he stood between them with his arms stretched wide open. “ _ **Enough!**_ ”

The emotionless laugh coming from behind Jinki made his blood freeze. “You heard him, didn't you, hyung? You could never be such _disgusting trash_.”

“Damn right he isn't!” Changsun exclaimed, getting on his knees and trying to reach for the younger again.

Jinki grabbed his torso and stopped him, unable to look at anything but the floor. “I said enough, Changsun!” he screamed in desperation.

Changsun froze in Jinki's arms. “Jinki?”

Jinki took two deep breaths before speaking again. “It's not worth it. You're going to get expelled.”

“I'll tell the principal what happened. I'll get suspended at most. He deserves it.”

Jinki trembled in guilt against his best friend and his grip tightened.

_If we don't help each other, who's gonna help us, hyung?_

“Nobody will tell anything about what happened today, do you hear me?”

“What?! He assaulted you, Jinki!”

“You mean, you assaulted me!” Jimin protested. “My bruises are more believable than your words.”

“You fucking---”

“Shut _**up**_! The both of you! Changsun, you don't want to be suspended.” Changsun opened his mouth to protest but Jinki covered it with one of his hands and looked at him threateningly. “You don't want to get suspended,” he hissed. He didn't let Changsun go until he unwillingly nodded. After that Jinki looked back at Jimin, still on the floor. “I'm pretty sure that you don't want the whole school to know about your sexuality, so you better keep your mouth shut on this whole issue.”

He didn't wait for the boy to answer before getting up and helping his best friend up too.

“Don't come close to us ever again,” Changsun spat. “Let's go, Jinki.”

“You'll regret this, hyung,” Jimin yelled behind them while they were walking away. “One day you'll remember my words and it will be too late!”

Jinki didn't look back.

**\--- Present ---**

“Why was Changsun there anyway?” Kibum asked, trying to assimilate everything that he had just heard.

“He was curious about the girl who was going to confess to me so he apparently hid further away to take a look.”

“And he didn't hear your discussion with Jimin?”

Jinki shook his head. “We were too far away... Or so he said. He didn’t get closer until Jimin grabbed my wrist. Not that it mattered in the long run.”

“Did Jimin tell someone about what happened?”

Jinki smiled and shook his head again. “Nope. His sexuality would have been exposed if he did so he kept silent about it. Some months later though, I realized that the whole school was speaking about me.”

“What? Why?”

“To this day I don't know if it was Jimin's doing, but who else? People said that someone had seen me kissing older man around ‘Homo Hill’ and walk in motels with them. They said that I let man use me because I wanted to forget the fact that I was in love with my best friend and he didn't want me.”

Kibum pressed his lips together in rage, immediately seeing where this whole thing was going. “The rumors reached Changsun, I suppose,” he said, his grip onto Jinki tightening protectively.

Jinki smiled again, almost as if he was reminiscing something funny instead of something that had completely changed his life for the worst. “Yeah. They did.”

**\---- Around 6 years before ----**

Jinki knocked at the principal's office door and entered cautiously when given permission.

“Oh, Jinki! Here, here,” the man beckoned. “Sit here.”

The high schooler sat on the chair in front of the desk as instructed and waited for the middle aged man to finish signing whatever document he was reviewing, feeling slightly nervous. The principal was in a good mood, so this couldn't be about the rumors, could it? Jinki didn't think that the principal had time to get involved in all the rumors spread by the students of his institute, but caution was never enough.

“All done. Sorry about the wait, Jinki. Do you know why I called you here?”

“No, Sir,” he answered truthfully.

The man smiled and took a booklet out of one of the drawers of his desk. Jinki saw his picture on the front of the first page.

“You want to attend Seoul University after finishing high school, don't you?”

“Yes, Sir.”

The man nodded. “You know that recommendation letters are accepted in such prestigious universities, don't you?” The question was rhetorical, so Jinki didn't answer. “Me and your teacher thought a lot about it and were convinced by your results in the last exam.”

The principal gave the booklet to Jinki. “They aren't supposed to be announced until tomorrow afternoon, but we can make an exception for the second ranked in the whole school now, can't we?”

Jinki's mouth disclosed in a disbelieving 'o' before he could skim through the booklet and check his almost perfect score in all the subjects. Were these really his exam results?

“You did really well in the past 3 years in this school and even better in your last straw. Your attendance and behavior have been nothing but impeccable, so the rest of your teachers and I all decided to write a recommendation letter to help you get into Seoul University. You probably won't need it, if you keep up with these results, but consider it a parting gift. Obviously, you'll also be getting your usual scholarship.”

Jinki immediately stood up and bowed deeply. “Thank you, Sir.”

“No thanks, Jinki. You gained this by yourself.”

When dismissed, Jinki went back to his classroom with a light heart to gather his belongings before leaving. To his surprise, sat on his desk and looking out of the window was Changsun. He turned as soon as Jinki entered the room.

“Hey, what are you doing still here? Everybody has already left.”

Changsun hopped off and shrugged. If Jinki hadn't been so preoccupied with his own happiness and satisfaction, he would have realized that something felt off about his best friend.

“Was everything okay with the principal?”

Jinki nodded and started putting his belongings scattered on his desk into his backpack and excitedly explained what had happened.

Changsung congratulated him with a forced smile and the other finally stopped to eye him warily.

“What happened?” he asked. “You look troubled.”

“I... Jinki can you promise me that you will answer truthfully?”

“What is this about? I promise. Now spit it out.”

Changsung took a deep breath. “Are the rumors true?”

Frozen on the spot, Jinki was only able to stare at him for a second too long. “What rumors?” he asked, feigning innocence.

“We both know what rumors, Jinks. I've always dismissed them as bullshit but lately... I don't know what to think anymore...”

“I'm pretty sure that both of us know who spread those rumors, Changsun. Do you really think that Jimin is an reliable source? I thought you knew me better than that.”

Changsun's fists clenched. “Then why did you protect him?”

“Sorry?”

“We could have reported him!” he exclaimed. “I would have gotten a suspension for punching him, perhaps, but you know I wouldn’t care as long as I were sure that you are safe. So why? Why, when this is happening now?”

Jinki's heartbeat quickened. _'Because I felt guilty'_ wasn't something that he could say right then. How could he have explained it? His mouth kept shut under Changsun's accusing stare.

“Are the rumors true, Jinki?” he asked again.

Jinki felt like he was suffocating. What was he supposed to answer? No wasn't the truthful answer, but neither was yes.

“Why can't you answer me, Jinki?” Changsung's voice was trembling and his eyes were watering in frustration. “Why can't you just tell me that they aren't true? A simple 'no' would suffice, I'd believe you!”

“Changsun, calm down.”

“Don't tell me to calm down! I barely can recognize you right now and I'm scared shitless! People stare at us wherever we go, like we are aliens or some kind of circus attraction, and when they think I'm not listening they whisper among themselves, wondering if I've fucked you yet, because we seem to get along just fine. How am I supposed to react to that?”

“The rumors will die out eventually, please don't let them get to you, Chang-”

“ _Jinki!_ ” he exclaimed, grabbing the collar of Jinki's shirt. “I'm being really serious here, stop bullshitting m-”

Jinki pushed him away with force, feeling the blood in his veins boil in rage. Changsung hit one of the desks and grabbed the edge of it to regain his equilibrium.

“Don't you dare attack me like that, Changsun,” Jinki threatened. “I'm not going to say a word until you've calmed down and learn to keep your hands to yourself, am I being clear? I have no intention of dealing with you when you're being an asshole.”

For a while the only audible sounds were their ragged breaths. Changsun kept looking at the floor, while Jinki stared at him in a mixture of worry and anger.

“I'm sorry,” Changsun whispered after some long minutes. “I’ve freaked out.”

“No shit,” Jinki deadpanned, on edge. “Let's go out of here now.” He grabbed his backpack and started moving towards the door, but a hand circled his wrist and stopped him in his tracks.

“Jinks...”

“What now?” He didn't turn to look at the other.

“Are you angry?”

“Very.”

“Will you look at me for a second?”

Jinki closed his eyes and inhaled deeply before turning around with his whole body. “Here, I'm looking at you.”

The initial annoyance in his voice died in a quiet whisper as soon as he saw the other's expression. Biting his bottom lip and looking shily between Jinki and the ground, Changsun looked like a totally different person.

For unknown reasons Jinki's heart started beating wildly again and he swallowed, searching his best friend's face to determine what had suddenly made the air between them feel so heavy and electric, but all the answers that his mind supplied seemed so far fetched and delusional that Jinki couldn't do anything but keep still and wait for Changsun to finally enlighten him.

“I—“ he started but immediately stopped, his cheeks flushing. “I mean, you— no, wait.” Changsun's hand went through his hair in frustration. He sighed, looking resigned, and didn't look at Jinki when he finally spoke again. “You can kiss me if you want,” he mumbled quietly.

Jinki almost didn't hear him. An automatic ' _what_ ' left his lips, even if he didn't need him to repeat. The color rising to his checks and the nervous sweat gathering on his hands were proofs that he had understood. Loud and clear.

Changsun apparently wasn't going to repeat himself. His grip on Jinki tightened and he took a step closer.

A surprised gasp got trapped in Jinki's throat but he didn't move back.

“Changsun, what are you doing?”

“What you want me to do?” his friend answered tentatively.

Jinki could only breathe an unheard ' _why_ ' before Changsun's lips were pressing against his. Changsun took advantage of the slight opening to slip his tongue inside Jinki's mouth and their tongues touched.

Jinki shook, an electric jolt going through his whole body and his doubts forgotten.

Changsun spun them around so that Jinki's back was against the desk and pined Jinki's hands at the top of it with his, before exploring Jinki's mouth further. A surprised whimper left Jinki, but he didn't resist. He was dizzy and his legs felt weak, like they could give out soon. Stunned, he didn't respond to the kiss.

When Changsun slightly parted from him to breath on his wet lips, Jinki wasn't able to do anything but stare in utter shock.

“Have me, Jinki,” he panted. “You can have me.”

Jinki was onto Changsun before his friend could stop speaking, switching their positions and kissing the other with wild hunger.

That was when the classroom door slid open, a group of guys whose faces Jinki couldn't remember anymore frozen in shock, probably mirroring Jinki expression.

He tried to let Changsun go. He tried to put space between them, to open his mouth to explain, but Changsun was grabbing his uniform tightly between them and wouldn't let go.

“Help me,” Jinki heard him plead.

He turned to his best friend, confused and panicked.

Changsun didn't look back.

“He attacked me, he tried to rape me!”

When one of the guys entered the classroom to punch Jinki off of his best friend, Changsun didn't hold onto him.

**\--- Present ---**

“They brought me to the courtyard behind the gym,” Jinki went on. The same place where Changsun had punched Jimin, the irony didn't go unnoticed to Jinki. “Beat me up and pissed on me until I was barely conscious.”

Kibum trembled in anger, but didn't say anything. Not yet. Jinki wasn't finished.

“Changsun didn't touch me, he sat against the wall of the gym and watched me while crying. Somehow I was thinking that it was okay. He had been afraid. We could talk about it when everything was over, but then...”  


**\---- Around 6 years before ----**

The other guys left, their work done, and Jinki looked up, again, where he knew Changsun was, even if eyes wouldn't focus on him. What he could see was only a stain of the same color of their uniform getting closer to him, bathing in the sunset light.

He parted his lips to say something, anything, but his voice wouldn't come out. 

“You lied to me, Jinki. You really are disgusting right now,” he heard Changsun say. Had he sounded betrayed? Spiting? Disappointed? Jinki couldn't remember anymore. “You seduced me, didn’t you? I would have never phantomed kissing you otherwise. You manipulated me into it. This isn’t my fault. You brought it upon yourself.”

The last thing he could remember was Changusn grabbing his arm. If Jinki had been able to move, he would have jerked away, but he couldn’t, and by the time he was propped on the other’s back, he could only cry his humiliation into darkness.

 

_To be continued..._   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm happy to announce that **next chapter will be the last one**! It will probably be awfully long, since it will also contain the epilogue, but yeah, we are finally reaching the end :'D Please don't forget to leave a comment if you liked this chapter, and see you next time! 


	8. Part VIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I strongly advise all of you to re-read the entire fiction before reading this last chapter, if you haven't done it recently, to get back into the story. I had to do it more than once to be able to finish writing it. I'm sorry for the long wait. There's not much I can say in my defense. University and work prevented me from writing, but especially the lack of inspiration. I knew what I wanted to write for a whole year, before I could write it. I don't even know why I couldn't do it. The right words just wouldn't come. I know perfectly well that this fiction is full of grammatical errors and would need to be proofed all over again, but I don't have the time nor the energy to do it at the moment. Maybe one day. But I won't promise anything. Still, this fiction was and is important to me. I've never, not once, thought of abandoning it. It took longer than I wished to reach the end, but now it's here,  
> and I hope that it won't disappoint. A big thank you to everyone who stuck with me up until now, and also all the people who'll read this for the first time, now that it's done. Until next time! 
> 
> \- During Coming of Age day in Korea, the new adult usually receives flowers, a perfume and a kiss.  
> \- [Taemin's Dumbo backpack](https://image.ibb.co/jxPLpv/gtftg.png)

**\--- Present ---**

“When I woke up again I was in the hospital with a broken leg and a few broken ribs, and more than a month had passed.”

Kibum had to swallow the enormous knot that had formed in his throat. “What happened to Changsun?” His voice came out hoarse and threateningly low. It was perfectly clear that the boy was barely containing his rage and his astonishment.

Jinki shook his head. “I never saw him again,” he shrugged. “I know that his parents moved to Japan, but I don’t know if he followed them. Either way, I’ve never searched for him,” he admitted. “Whatever dignity was left in me - or maybe it was fear - convinced me that I should forget what he even looked like,” he paused and shook his head, chuckling. “I still remember.” 

Pain shoot through Kibum’s heart as he listened to the amused but at the same time sad sound.

“That day he left me on my house porch and mom found me there who knows how much later. It was the closest thing to an apology I was going to get, I guess.”

“You're telling me that he simply got away with it? Just like this?”

Jinki sighed, looking tired, but not as hunted as Kibum had expected him to look after reminiscing such past. It was obvious that the elder wasn’t used to tell his story and almost found it difficult to recall the details, but it didn’t look like it pained him to talk about it; there was something nostalgic in the tone of his voice. Kibum could recognize regret, guilt, maybe the tiniest spark of resentment in it, but the elder was all in all calm and collected, his eyes firm. It almost seemed like telling Kibum what had happened to him out loud was cleansing him. That part of his life didn’t torment Jinki anymore.

“Mom asked,” he started again. “Multiple times. I would always tell her that I didn’t remember. The doctor diagnosed me with post-traumatic amnesia and she eventually stopped asking. Both my mom and I knew that I was lying.”

“But why would you-”

“I would have been charged with sexual assault, Kibum - that’s why. There was no way for me to get justice. It would have been my word against all the others’, Changsun's, against the rumors. Do you get it? If the police had started an investigation, they would have discovered that yeah, part of the rumors were false, but the rest was true. That yes, I was gay. That yes, I had been in love with Changsun and he didn’t want me. How long until they connected the dots and officially made me an assaulter? I would have been an assaulter on paper. Forever.” He took a deep shaky breath. “I didn’t want that.”

Silence fell between them, the words lingering and echoing in Kibum’s mind. _This is the reason why I’ve gotten so angry at Sunyoung, Kibum. It doesn’t matter what her reasons were, she made you into an abuser and I can’t forgive that so easily._

“But why didn’t you tell your parents? I mean, they must know what happened to some extent.” Kibum was sure that they knew at least about their son’s sexuality.

Jinki paused, contemplating something, perhaps trying to find the right words to make Kibum understand. “Changsun’s father never liked me,” he said. “I think he knew, somehow, that I was gay. When I ended up in a coma, beaten up and pissed over, everybody started talking, my father’s colleagues included. Changsun’s father was one of them. My father heard him joking about me with others at work once, telling them that my services must have sucked really bad for my _‘little boyfriend’_ \- whoever it was supposed to be - to reduce me like that.” 

“What the fuck?! Did Changsun-”

“Not Changsun, no. Everyone kept quiet about what had happened to me. I would have been charged with sexual assault, but they would have been charged too. The only apparent innocent in the whole picture was Changsun, but he never mentioned anything to anyone, that I know of. I think he might have been…”

“Closeted,” Kibum concluded for him. The realization striking him like a slap in the face.

“Yeah,” Jinki smiled. Then it turned in a laugh. 

Oh, the fucking irony. 

Jinki clapped his hands to stop himself from turning hysteric. “So!” he exclaimed. “Dad punched Changun’s father in the face until he was barely recognizable. Which got him a one-way ticket to jail. He was obviously fired, and mom was forced to sell our house and start working to pay for my medical expenses, compensation to Changsun’s father and to bail my father out of prison.” 

Kibum was speechless. “Your father punched- oh my- oh fuck. I know it was terrible for you and your whole family and this could sound extremely insensitive, but your father is my new hero.” 

“He’s an idiot,” Jinki deadpanned, but there was a trace of fondness in his voice. “When we finally managed to bail him out of jail and pay compensation to Changsun’s father, do you know what the first thing he said to me is?”

Kibum shook his head. 

“ _‘I don’t regret it.’_ ”

“Damn right he didn’t!”

Jinki chuckled. “It could have been worse, but the court recognized that he had been provoked. Knowing that I had been in a coma when it happened helped mollify the judge.” He paused, then closed his eyes, sighing. 

Kibum reached for the elder’s cheek with his fingers and caressed his skin. “You don’t have to go on. You can finish another time.” 

Tired eyes opened and stared blankly at the television. Eventually, Jinki shook his head. “I’m almost done...” He took a deep breath. Then another. He started again. “I felt so guilty.” His voice trembled when he said it, as if he was trying hard not to cry. There was a fierce light in his eyes though. The determination in his expression was strong. 

_It was never your fault_ , Kibum wanted to say, but somehow he knew that Jinki didn’t need to hear it. At least not from him. 

Jinki concentrated on breathing for a while too long before he could go on. “We were barely surviving. Mom had to work for all of us, because nobody would hire my father anymore. Everyone seemed to know what had happened to me… or maybe they didn’t and I was just _that_ paranoid, but it was humiliating. I looked in the mirror and thought ‘if I had never loved Changsun’ or ‘if I was normal’...”

“You _are_ nor-”

Jinki raised a hand to stop Kibum’s outraged exclamation. The younger pressed his lips together and bit onto his bottom one. He nodded to apologize. 

“No matter how hard I tried to keep it hidden, everybody _knew_. Jimin knew, Changsun knew, his father knew, my parents knew, Jongah noona knew… _You_ knew, Kibum. This thing inside me...” His fist hit his chest a few times. “I could never control it. It made people disappointed in me. It made them _leave_.”

_K-kibum I... I wanted to tell you, I wanted to tell back in high school, I--_ Jinki had said. _Don't leave me_ , Jinki had pleaded. _I'll eventually let you down. I eventually let everyone down, Kibum. I hurt people_ , Jinki had explained. _You are the one who left… It was never your pushing, what hurt me was you giving up on me_ , Jinki had accused.

“So I left first.” 

“You went to military service.” Kibum’s voice sounded breathless. 

Jinki nodded. “It helped. Fuck, it was paradise compared to home. It was like starting afresh. Nobody cared who I was outside the army. They only cared about how I followed orders.” He chuckled, amused. “I guess that feeling stuck to me and now I get off being ordered around,” he raised his eyebrows provocatively and even if it felt so wrong to do it, Kibum couldn’t help his lips curling upwards in an amused snort, easing the ache in his heart and the guilt that was bubbling in his stomach for everything he had done wrong. 

Jinki grinned. “So that’s it! I’m finally done with my sob story.” 

Kibum shook his head. His lips were still turned up in a small smile, but his eyes gave off a haunted feeling. He took Jinki’s wrist and kissed the palm of the elder’s hand, then leaned into it and sighed with his eyes closed. 

Jinki felt a pang of longing in his belly. He leaned in, closed the distance between them, and pressed his lips to Kibum’s forehead. 

Kibum’s brows furrowed and his breath shortened, but he didn’t open his eyes. A soft kiss was left onto each eyelid, then on the tip of his nose. On his cheeks and chin. Then, finally, Kibum couldn’t take it anymore and captured Jinki’s mouth in a desperate attempt to share all his feelings. To say sorry.

Jinki smiled in the kiss and relaxed, letting Kibum do whatever he wanted, letting him control and comfort, giving him an outlet for his frustrations. Eventually, the boy calmed down and pressed his forehead onto the elder’s chest, his breathing ragged and his body trembling. 

Jinki dragged him down, holding onto his head, so that they were laying on the sofa, Kibum’s body sprawled over his. Calming hands were lazily stroking the younger’s hair and they stayed embraced like that for a long time. 

Before Kibum’s eyes could close definitely, lulled by Jinki’s caresses and his warmth, the elder’s body trembled and a little laugh spilled from his lips. 

A pained grunt. “What now?”

Jinki kept laughing softly for a few more seconds, then: “I just thought it was the right time to sing you a lullaby.”

“And that made you laugh?”

More giggles. “I don’t know any lullaby.” Kibum tried to raise his head to look at Jinki in the eyes, to make sense of what he was saying, but Jinki’s hands kept him still. “But I know the perfect kid song.”

“Why am I wary of a kid song?”

It took Jinki a few minutes to calm his laughter down, but when he finally managed to breathe normally, he cleared his throat and finally started singing. 

[[click for music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nKNODKWQP8)]  
_Ah ah ah_  
Dang Geun song! (Carrot song!)  
_Na bogoshipni_ (Do you miss me?)  
_Dangun_ (Of course [*also means ‘carrot’])  
_Na senggakhani_ (Do you think of me?)  
_Dangun_ (Of course)  
_I love you, you love me_  
Dangun dangun dangun (Of course)

Kibum kept his eyes closed but his smile grew big and bright. “You’re the worst! Of all songs you could choose, the _carrot song_? You and your puns, seriously!”

_Na johahani_ (Do you like me?)  
_Dangun_ (Of course)  
_Na saraghani_ (Do you love me?)  
_Dangun dangun dangun_ (Of course, of curse, of curse)  
_I love you, you love me_

A soft laugh bubbled inside Kibum’s throat. Jinki’s voice was ridiculous. High pitched and barely on tune because he was trying so hard not to laugh he could hardly breathe. 

_No byonhajima_ (Don’t change)  
_Dangun_ (Of course)  
_Onjaekkajina_ (Forever)  
_Dangun_ (Of course)  
_Johahe johahe_ (I like you I like you)  
_Dangun dangun dangun_ (Of course, of course, of course)

“If I get a nightmare about carrots tonight because of you, I swear...” Kibum threatened and Jinki just couldn’t take it anymore. 

When they fell asleep, exhausted, sometime later, with their throats and stomachs hurting and tears in their eyes, they were still smiling. 

\---

Kibum woke up with a start when the entrance door opened and someone barged in his apartment, calling for him. 

The woman stopped in her tracks when she registered the tangle of limbs on the sofa. “Oh.”

“Miya?” Kibum rubbed one eye sleepily and Jinki grunted under him, but didn’t give any sign of being awake.

The older woman paused; then, slowly, got closer to the sofa, peeking at Jinki as she would at a new born baby in its crib. Kibum stared, amused. 

“Who’s the cutie?” she asked in a whisper. She noted that they weren’t in any state of undress, so it seemed safe to snoop around some. Not that knowing they were naked and in the middle of rutting would have stopped her from doing the same. Miya knew no shame and no personal boundaries. “I feel like I’ve seen him before.” 

Kibum snuggled back into Jinki’s chest and gave her a blissed smile. “Yeah, maybe?” She probably had in the diner.

She grimaced at his content expression, but Kibum could recognize the hint of fondness in her eyes. She was happy when he was happy. Miya was basically a teenaged girl trapped in the body of a thirty-something woman, she was bratty and lunatic, but she was also caring and sweet, and faithful to a fault. When she loved, she did with all her might, and she loved Kibum a lot. Why that was, it was still unclear to him, but she had been nothing but a great friend since they met each other, and Kibum was thankful. She was a good kind of grown up to have in his life. 

“Party at eight at the diner on monday, got it?” She pointed a threatening finger at him. “I’ve already invited all your friends so be sure to be on time.” 

Kibum grounted. He was trying not to think about finals and she went ahead and organized a party to celebrate his graduation without asking his permission. Goddamnit. He was too distracted to think about exams. He was also pretty sure he was going to pass, so that was also probably why he wasn’t freaking out about it. He was confident enough. 

Miya paused, then added. “Bring your baby boy there, yeah?” 

The appellative made heat rise into Kibum’s cheeks and his belly tingle. Out of the two he was probably the _baby boy_ here. But the ‘your’ part was what really got to him. His. Not yet. Not fully. But oh, he wanted it so badly. 

“He’s older than me,” he mumbled.

“Clearly. Does it matter?” A cat-shire smile bloomed on Miya’s lips, when she saw the younger blush so badly. Oh, he liked thinking of the older man as his baby boy. He had it so bad. Suddenly, realization hit her. “Maybe it _does_ matter…” Perhaps she could make it worse? Or maybe it was too late… She gave another inspecting look to the condition of the boys’ clothes but both of them were perfectly dressed, also from the waist down, so she might be on time. “You know what day friday is, right?”

“Graduation day?” Kibum answered dumbly. 

That gained him a tiny, ridiculous smack on the head. Miya was trying to be considerate of baby boy sleeping there, thank you very much.

“No, you little shit. It’s _Coming of Age_ day. They coincide this year.”

Kibum’s heartbeat stuttered. _Oh_. 

Before he could say anything, he realized that his heartbeat wasn’t the only one going wild. Under his hear, Jinki’s pulse imitated his. 

Kibum’s body heat spiked and Miya cleared her throat as silently as she could. “Riiiight. So. Glad to know you already have someone to give you your Coming of Age kiss. Be good babies until then, yeah? I’ll be going. Bye.” And just like that, as quickly as she had appeared, she vanished from sight, the front door making the softest click as it closed behind her.

Kibum grunted, his erection rubbing against Jinki’s thigh. “Thank you for letting me handle all the awkward.” He bit into the elder’s neck and Jinki yelped. 

“It wasn’t the right time for an introduction!” Jinki exclaimed in his defense. 

“You mean your morning wood wasn’t ready to face her!”

“Fuck off, you have one too.” 

“Nope. Got it _after_ waking up. Somewhere between her calling you my baby boy and the realization that I’ll be legal in a few days, and you know what that means, don’t you?” He licked a wet, hot stripe up Jinki’s neck, before nibbling at his lobe. 

Jinki suffocated a whimper and closed his eyes. “I didn’t think it mattered either way,” he whispered, his voice huskier than he had intended.

“It really doesn’t,” Kibum admitted, “but you still know, don’t you? Your heartbeat went crazy.” He smiled against Jinki’s cheek, then snatched a deep kiss from him, ignoring both their morning breaths, too excited to care. “I won’t take no as an answer.” 

Jinki stared at him, breathless, their lips still touching. “Did you ever?” 

Kibum’s smile grew brighter. “Touché.”

Jinki reached out and grabbed the younger from the collar of his shirt. “I won’t say no,” he whispered, then he pulled, and they indulged in each other some more. 

\---

“Hey, where are you going?” Minho raised his head from the desk to look sleepily at his best friend, who had started gathering all his things and putting them back in his backpack in a haste as soon as finals were over. “Did something happen?” 

Kibum smiled but didn’t look up. “I’m meeting Jinki’s parents tonight.” 

Minho stared at him for a second, bemused. “You already met Jinki’s parents.” He frowned. 

Kibum almost rolled his eyes. So slow! “Yeah, well, I’m meeting them as his _boyfriend_ today.” 

A pause. Then Minho’s head went back resting against the desk. He grunted and Kibum snorted at him. Was that an acknowledgement? 

“You could wish me good luck, you know.” 

“Why should I? His mother wanted nothing more than a boyfriend for his son, you don’t need any luck, buddy.” 

True. But he hadn’t agreed with Jinki about it. Still, the elder had told him that he was going to come out today. Kibum was going to be there, and it wasn’t like his parents didn’t already know. Jinki wouldn’t deny it, would he? They were boyfriends, weren’t they? 

“You could still be supportive, asshole.” 

Minho lazily raised a fist. “Fighting.” 

“Ugh. Shut up. If my life depended on your cheerness I’d be dead.” 

Minho smirked and made a kissy face at him. “I love you too, darling.” 

Kibum shivered in disgust and his best friend laughed. 

“Go.”

He went.

\---

He had just left school grounds when someone called his name. He almost turned and snapped at them. He didn’t fucking have time for whatever they had to say, and were they sure they needed Kibum and not Kimbum or something? But the voice suddenly connected to a specific face and he stopped. He turned around and looked at Sunyoung straight in the eyes. 

She took a few steps forward from the pillar next to the entrance gate and stopped in front of him. 

“Noona?” What was she doing there? And especially, how long had she been waiting there? He hadn’t spoken with Sunyoung for days. Their relationship had become strained after everything, and all contacts between them had abruptly chased; with Jinki in the middle of it, Kibum hadn’t thought it appropriate to contact her. A pang of guilt stabbed him in the stomach. 

“Hey, Kibum, do you have time to grab a coffee? I’d… I’d like to speak with you for a second.” 

Kibum fidgeted and checked the time on his cellphone. It was getting pretty late. And Jinki would be waiting. “I… I really want to speak with you but right now is…”

“No coffee then. Just… give me five minutes? Please?” 

His hand clenched around his phone, but Sunyoung looked so earnest and he really needed to speak with her, he had to listen to whatever she had to say. Jinki would definitely take a bus to go to his parents’ and his university was farther away than Kibum’s school. If he took the subway he could catch up to him. Hopefully. 

His hands unclenched and Kibum made an effort to relax his shoulders. 

Sunyoung was able to read his body language, because she immediately started to talk. “Miya messaged me,” she begun. She was fidgeting with her hands, joined together over her pale pink bag and her eyes couldn’t quite meet his, even if she seemed to make a deliberate effort to check for his reactions. “She invited me to your graduation party. She said she was inviting all your friends…” 

Kibum flinched and kept his lips pressed together. 

“I… I haven’t been much of a friend to you lately and I’m sorry.” Her voice was trembling a bit, but her eyes lit up with determination. “Did Jinki oppa tell you what… what happened…?”

Kibum nodded and Sunyoung let out a trembling breath, her head tilted down in shame. “I’m sorry,” she repeated. “I… I just didn’t… It sounds petty and mean even to me, but I just didn’t want to lose him and since you’ve met each other, he’s… changed. He didn’t trust me anymore, he would be with me but his head would be somewhere far, far away and… I felt like he was slipping away from me and I was…” 

_Jealous._

The word was left hanging between them. She didn’t say it, but Kibum heard it loud and clear, and it pained him.

“I’ve been in love with Jinki oppa for a long time,” she added then, and Kibum was surprised of finally hearing her say it. “I thought I had given up on being something more than a friend to him long ago, I thought it didn’t matter, because he would come to me when he needed someone. Because… I was the person he was closest to and I… but after meeting you he wouldn’t… I feel like I’ve never known him, not really. Like it was all in my head, I was deluding myself and… I blamed it on you. But it was me wasn’t it? I was the one who wouldn’t see him for who he was, didn’t want to see him.” 

Kibum had to make a conscious effort not to flinch again. “Stop.” 

She was startled by the harsh and pained sound of his voice and raised her eyes. 

“Don’t apologize to me, noona, because I won’t apologize to you.” The confusion in her expression frustrated him. “Everything you’re telling me, I knew already. I knew it from the start.” 

“Wha- but, I-”

“I didn’t play fair against you, noona. I knew you were in love with him and still, I didn’t hesitate to pursue him when I met him. Not for a second. He called to me and it was stronger than anything I’ve ever felt in my life and I… I never thought about what that meant to you, even if we were friends. I only thought that I wanted him, and he needed me. He needs me. I won’t apologize for making Jinki my priority, so you don’t apologize for making him yours.” 

There was a charged pause. Her lips were pressed in a straight, severe line. A flash of resentment in her eyes, then a flinch. Guilt. Resignation. 

“I didn’t,” she finally said. “I never made oppa my priority, I was always my own priority.” Her hands clutched her bag and her head bowed. “I wanted him to love me, wanted him to see that I was there, right beside him. I wanted him to want me, even… even when I realized that he couldn’t, I... _still_ …”

Kibum reached out with his hand, but retracted it before he could touch her. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, then said: “I’m going to ask Jinki to be my boyfriend.” 

Her head snapped up, but then she shook it with a little smile, as if telling herself that she was being stupid. She looked back at him straight in the eyes, with a new resolution, her body finally relaxing, the tension draining between them. “Are you trying to make up for not telling me you loved him? You’re telling me we are rivals _now_?” She teased.

Kibum didn’t deny it. “I’m going to do it today.”

_This is your last chance. He’ll be mine then. I won’t give him back. This is your last chance, noona_. She could hear it, even if he wasn’t saying it. She really wanted to hate him and be angry at him, but what difference would it make? It wasn’t Kibum’s fault that she couldn’t be what Jinki needed. It was nobody’s fault.

They were even. She wouldn’t apologize anymore.

“Make him happy.” 

“I will.” No hesitation.

“I’ll… I’ll see you at the party?” 

He smiled. “Yeah.” 

“Go.” 

He went. 

\----

Kibum wasn’t there yet, when Jinki stepped inside Lee’s Chicken Restaurant. Not that he was expecting him to, there was a part of all this that he needed to do alone. 

He spotted his mom, bended over a table, probably intent on getting rid of some oil stain. “Sorry, we are closed,” she exclaimed, before raising her head to look at Jinki. 

Her whole face lit up when she recognized her son and she dropped her cleaning tools to rush with open arms towards him. Jinki smiled and snuggled into her, enjoying her familiar smell, even if faint under the scent of food. The smell of chicken made his stomach growl and his mom laughed. 

“Hungry, son?” 

Yes. He was. But he didn’t think he could eat. Not before he had his little chat with his parents. 

“Can I talk to you and dad for a moment?” 

His mother frowned worriedly. “Something wrong, honey?” 

He shook his head and smiled to her reassuringly. “No, nothing’s wrong. But will you listen?”

Confused but convinced, his mom immediately agreed and made him sit at one of the tables. When she hurriedly went to close the shop, he told her that they were expecting someone else; she stared at him for a moment, but eventually nodded and simply turned off most of the lights, before calling for her husband in the kitchen. 

His parents didn’t take long to join him. They slid on the bench in front of him, comforting smiles on their faces even if their eyes betrayed some apprehension. Jinki’s dad tilted his head to greet his son and Jinki returned the gesture awkwardly. Why were they making this awkward? He didn’t want it to be awkward, so yeah, he had to spit it out already, before it got worse and he lost his guts. 

He took a deep breath, feeling his stomach suddenly knot together now that he was going to say it, and mentally cursed himself. He was going to do this. He was. 

“I haven’t been a good son to you,” he started, and both his parents opened their mouths to protest, but he held a hand high to stop them. “Please, let me speak.” 

They settled back, but his mother’s hands were gripping at her apron tightly and his father’s brows were furrowed in the most serious expression Jinki had ever seen on his face. 

“I’ve lied to you. Multiple times. I could never tell you the truth even though I’ve always known that you could see right through me.” 

His parents looked at each other, something looking like hope sparkling in their eyes, but they looked back at their son almost immediately without commenting. 

“For all this time, I thought that… that you didn’t deserve a son as disgraceful as me,” he admitted, and it took his parents all their willpower not to protest and let him go on. “I thought for the longest time that it was my fault that dad had lost his job, that we were everybody’s laughing stock, that dad got into prison, that we lost our house, that we didn’t have any money, that mom had to work two jobs to fix it all… I thought that it was my bad for being abnormal, for falling in love with someone that wasn’t ready to take the burden.” 

Jinki paused and took another deep breath. He raised his eyes from the table to look in his parents’ eyes with determination. “And maybe it was,” he continued. “Maybe I was naive, maybe I could have done things differently, maybe, if I had been stronger…” Silence. Then: “I wasn’t and I’m sorry.”

“Son-”

“I wasn’t but I want to be,” he interrupted. “I feel like I am now. You’ve always been proud of me, you’ve always loved me, I know, but it always felt like you didn’t get it. How different I was, how disgraceful, how shameful. But I was the one that didn’t get it, was I? That there wasn’t anything wrong in me. But I was scared of it being _nothing_ , because if there wasn’t anything wrong with me, why did everything that happened to us happen at all?” Jinki’s voice wavered, but it didn’t hurt anymore, it was only the memory of pain, scaring him. 

A warm hand covered his, fidgeting on the table. He realized that his eyes had lowered, his voice gotten smaller. He raised his gaze to tentatively meet his mom’s, and she gave him a little, comforting smile. When he looked at his father, the man nodded, and Jinki knew that it was time. 

He confessed: “I’m gay.” 

Loud and clear. Frightening but reliving. Freeing.

His mother’s eyes filled with tears, but her smile got wider, her other hand reaching out too, to cover his sweaty hands, to reassure him. Jinki was surprised to see his father actually cry, silently, and try to wipe his tears with his dirty apron. For a second, the thought that his dad could be disappointed in him made his head swim in panic. But then he remembered what his father had told him back then: “I don’t regret it,” and knew he was wrong.

“I loved Changsun at the time, I really did. And even when he called me disgusting I still loved him and couldn’t blame him. I still don’t. It was less painful to put the blame on myself than recognize that he wasn’t the person I loved. I thought it was my fault for burdening him with my desire.”

Through the shop window, Jinki saw a figure hurrying on the street in the distance. The boy’s uniform was wrinkled, his bag half on, half off his shoulder, and his cheeks reddened by the sudden rush of adrenaline. Jinki kept telling him to take the bus - the subway stop was too far. 

_Kids. They never listen._

“But there’s someone who shares my burden now.” 

He gestured with his head towards the street and his parents turned around to look behind them. The front door slid open right then, letting a disheveled Kibum in. 

The kid bowed and greeted politely, completely out of breath, and Jinki covered his mouth with a hand to stifle a fond chuckle. He got up to reach the younger and his parents followed him. 

There was no answer to Kibum’s greeting, which made Kibum peer up with a barely contained winch. Was he too late? “I’m sorry- the subway- was full and I-”

Jinki reached out and patted his head, giving him a reassuring look. Kibum straightened up slowly next to the elder, trying to guess how angry Jinki’s parents were with him. Before he could make sense of Mrs. Lee covering a big smile with a hand while crying, and Mr. Lee wrapping his arm around her hips with a relieved expression on his face, warm fingers intertwined with his and hold onto his hand tightly. 

“Mom. Dad. This is Kim Kibum. My boyfriend.” 

Kibum’s head snapped towards Jinki in shock, his breath caught in his throat. He choked on saliva and had to cough repeatedly to be able to breath again. Jinki eyed him amusedly, though Kibum could recognize a hint of apprehension in his eyes. Kibum had refused to be his boyfriend when he had asked the first time, after all.

When his coughing fit stopped, Kibum felt laughter bubble in his chest. Right. Trust Lee fucking Jinki to anticipate him and steal the scene.

He squeezed Jinki’s hand reassuringly, then turned back to the adults that were staring at him, waiting, and bowed deeply.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Kim Kibum, your son’s boyfriend. Please take care of me.”

\---

“I thought I was going to die.” 

“Now you know how it felt to me.”

“That’s hardly the same thing! My parents knew about you!” 

Kibum almost laughed at the elder, who was getting out of his suit with an incredibly adorable pout on his lips. Kibum wanted to kiss it away so badly, but he’d let Jinki brood some more. He was a grumpy old man, he needed his grumpy moments. 

“And you think my parents and my grandma didn’t know as soon as they spotted you?” He mocked him.

Jinki glared. “Of course they _knew_. It was written all over their faces! I could tell they were judging me badly. I mean, what kind of depravate dates a high schooler?”

Kibum wrapped his hands around Jinki’s waist, but Jinki’s muscles were rigid and the elder didn’t relax into him how he usually did. 

“Jinki.” He kissed softly along the line of his boyfriend’s throat and despite his stubbornness Jinki couldn’t hide a full-body shiver. “Do you realize that I’m officially _not_ a high schooler anymore, right?”

“It’s been three hours at best.” 

Kibum hummed. “And do you also realize that starting from today I’m officially an adult, right?”

Jinki squirmed but Kibum didn’t lose his grip on him. “I’m still angry at you, asshole.” 

Teeth sank into his lobe and Jinki almost whimpered. Almost. He wasn’t going to let it go so easily this time. Kibum had pulled him a huge one. Where did he get the great idea of omitting the fact that his parents and his grandma would be at his graduation ceremony? When Jinki had stepped in the hall and found Kibum speaking with three adults. He had recognized them from the picture he had seen in Kibum’s apartment and almost run away. Unfortunately, Kibum had already spotted him in the crowd and had waved a hand in his direction, making everyone turn to stare at him. 

It had been mortifying. The knowing looks. 

Perhaps not exactly mortifying, but definitely embarrassing as fuck. Who knew what they thought of him! The depravate oldie that had a story with a minor. 

Well, not a minor anymore. Still. 

“Angry is a good look on you.”

“Stop being horny for a second and be serious! You literally threw me in with the lions!”

Warm hands slipped under his dress shirt and started massaging his stomach. Jinki glared down at his cock, when it twitched in appreciation. Traitor. 

“You should’ve expected it. It was my graduation ceremony.”

Yeah, well, he hadn’t. Stupid him. He had missed his own graduation ceremony, he hadn’t thought about it. He grunted as Kibum kept rubbing those big, warm hands up and down his torso. It took no time for his dick to harden and push against the zip of his pants. “I’m still angry. Your grandma looked at me weirdly for the whole ceremony.” 

A deep chuckle vibrated against his body. 

“It’s not funny!”

“It is.” Kibum palmed his hard-on through the dress pants and Jinki couldn’t resist leaning into the touch, his teeth sinking in his lower lip. “Why are you still dressed, uh? You’re going to get your formal clothes all dirty.” 

Jinki shivered. “You didn’t tell me to strip.” 

A smile brushed against his neck. “I didn’t, did I?” Kibum’s eyes met his through the mirror and with a big smirk on his lips and his hand massaging Jinki’ cock head, the younger whispered: “Strip for me, Jinki.” 

The elder gripped Kibum’s wrist, stopping the motion of his hand for a moment. They stared at each other through the mirror. “Is that an order?”

“Do you want it to be?”

Jinki turned around, cradling Kibum’s head and leaning in. His velvet tongue licked at the younger’s bottom lip, then slipped in his mouth for a teasing kiss. When he pulled away, he smiled mischievously. “Go wild.” 

It was all the permission Kibum needed. 

The scenery changed in a dizzy arch for an instant and Jinki found himself bouncing on his bed. Kibum immediately straddled him and ripped off his shirt in rapid movements, then forced the elder to raise his arms over his head. 

“Grip the headboard.” 

Jinki complied, while his blood rushed south and his breathing got heavy. Kibum retrieved Jinki’s necktie from the floor, where it had ended up with his shirt, and leaned in to tie the elder’s hand. 

Adrenaline shot through Jinki’s body at the sensation of silk against his wrist and his eyes roamed all over Kibum’s neck and collarbones, hovering over him. He inhaled, breathing his boyfriend’s scent in, then, unable to resist, dug his teeth in the pale column of his throat.

Kibum hummed and slightly tilted his head, to give Jinki enough space to mark his skin however he pleased. His hands caressed the top of the elder’s head when he finished with the knot around Jinki’s wrist, almost like a mother nursing his baby vampire. Then, suddenly, he pulled his hair, ripping Jinki off of him. 

He leaned back, settling on Jinki’s groin. His boyfriend’s hard-on was trapped against his asschecks. He took off his tie. Jinki thought he would toss it away, but he didn’t. Kibum leaned in a second time and the world around Jinki turned black. His heartbeat spiked, but Jinki didn’t protest. 

Once the blindfold was placed properly, warm fingers cradled the side of his face and brushed his lips lovingly. Maybe he should have been scared. It was going to be his first time having sex with a man, after all. Perhaps he should ask Kibum to leave the power play out of the equation for once and treat him gently. 

A warm breath tickled his ear. “You’re so sexy. I’m going to lick every inch of your skin, won’t let you come until I’m balls deep inside you, how does that sound?”

Jinki’s cock jerked and he swallowed a moan coming all the way from his expectant balls. 

Maybe gently could be saved for another time, yeah? It wasn’t really their thing anyway. He trusted Kibum. 

Kibum ground against his erection harshly and Jinki almost screamed, his skin already oversensitive and his chest covered in sweat. “Answer me, Jinki. I’m going to need your approval every step of the way or I’ll stop.”

“Oh, please, no.” Jinki writhed. Kibum’s slow, sensual movements against his cock were driving him insane. With his sight covered, it was even more unbearable. Everything felt amplified. 

“No what?” 

“I-I won’t be able to answer if it gets worse than this,” he panted. 

“Is that so? Well, too bad then, I guess we shouldn’t do it at all then.” The pressure on Jinki’s groin disappeared and he tried to grab Kibum’s hips and put him back where he had been with a pleading “no!”, but he only managed to get burned by the necktie tied around his wrists. He had no idea what kind of knot Kibum had made, but it was snug and he couldn’t slip out his hands in any way. The material of the tie was soft, but when pulled, it could still cut harshly into his skin. 

He felt the soft pressure of lips over his own and a thumb gently stroking his wrist where he was tied. “Shh,” Kibum calmed him and started undulating over his groin again, teasing touch after touch. It was even more maddening than before. His rhythm slow, dragged, made of long thrusts and small twists of the hips. 

Jinki moaned, disarmed, and arched his back in attempt to get more friction. With a hand placed on his chest, Kibum kept him pinned to the mattress, constantly out of reach. 

“I could keep this going all day, if only I wished. Teasing your big fat cock until you’re one second away from coming and then stop. Pause. Starting all over again.” Kibum spread Jinki’s legs and lifted his bent knees. He settled himself in between and made their groins collide with a fiercer thrust, making them both shiver in pleasure. 

“Fuck yes,” Jinki moaned. 

“And again, and again, and ag-- ngh, yesss,” Kibum hissed, an appreciative smile in his voice while his cock slid against Jinki’s through the fabric of their dress pants. Jinki knew his were wet without looking at them - he could feel it. If it hadn’t been for the cloth covering his dick, the first drops of his seed would already be sliding between his ass checks, were lubricant was much needed. His ass clenched thinking about it. God, he wanted to be filled so badly. 

“You seem to like this an awful lot, don’t you? Should I just finish you like this?” 

Jinki desperately shook his head. “Want you,” he panted. “Inside me.” 

Kibum’s lips brushed his. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” 

The kiss that followed was searing, hungry and so full of excitement that for a second Jinki recognized Kibum for the young man he actually was. So brave, so assertive, so confident. But still so young. So eager. In so much need of being loved for his quirks and preferences. 

Slowing the movements of their tongues, Jinki caressed the inside of Kibum’s mouth, licking and exploring with slow fascination and warm affection, pouring his gratefulness into the kiss. Kibum whimpered, surprised and suddenly vulnerable, and Jinki separated from the younger’s lips to blindly nuzzle his cheek with a small smile on his face. “I love you,” he whispered. 

Kibum shivered on top of him, his eyes closed and all their movements halted. He swallowed hard. “I love you too.” His voice came out low and rough. Like he was on the verge of crying. 

Jinki traced his boyfriend’s face with his lips until he found his closed eyelid and kissed it. He felt the younger’s eyes flutter open and wiggled his hips awkwardly. “Why am I not naked yet?”

He heard Kibum chuckle and just a moment later his pants disappeared together with his boxers. The sound of another zipper and the thud of clothes falling on the floor that followed told him that Kibum had undressed too. 

There was silence for a moment. The eagerness that had made them rut against each other up until that moment overtaken by the novelty of the situation, by the knowledge that this was it. They were going to go all the way this time. There was no excuse to delay it anymore. 

Jinki’s breathing hitched. 

Did he need one at this point? 

He could hear his heartbeat beating loudly in his ears, seemingly amplified by the darkness around him. 

Did he?

He felt trembling fingers trail over his navel, exploring the bare skin of his torso like feathers, soft and tentative, almost reverent in their passage. As though they had never touched him before. Not really. 

He heard a loud exhale. Not his own. Then came Kibum’s voice, full of wonder, raw and unabashedly honest. “You’re stunningly beautiful.” 

He felt himself relax even before he had assimilated those words. His body already recognized the truth through touch, Kibum’s voice was just confirming something his heart already knew. 

No more excuses. 

“Kiss me.” 

It was softer than he was expecting it to be. A tentative touch of lips, the sweet smell of Kibum’s shampoo mingled with his minty breath, the searing hotness between them, where their skin met, already dampening with sweat. 

Jinki’s hands twitched with the need to touch the boy, but he tilted his head instead, rising it enough to catch Kibum’s lips again and suckle onto the bottom one, panting, excited and absolutely drunk with his boyfriend’s taste. 

The kiss didn’t take long to heat up. Soon, their tongues were colliding in a sinful, flowing choreography, seeking each other like long lost lovers. Their lips barely parted for what felt like hours, and still not quite long enough. Once in awhile, Jinki thought he heard someone whisper endearments and sweet nothings, but he couldn’t be sure which one of them was whispering them, their voices barely recognizable in between gasps and moans. 

He realized that they had started rutting against each other again, lost in a frenzy, only when his breath caught and whiteness filled his brain, close to exploding. “T-too much…!” he gasped. 

The kiss broke for a second and strong fingers gripped the base of his erection, preventing him from finishing. 

He panted, his head spinning in aborted pleasure, and gave a happy whimper. He felt like clay in Kibum’s hands. Ready to take whichever shape Kibum liked, ready to bend and arch and reach his every limit to please the boy. Because it pleased him. Nothing was as satisfying as feeling Kibum tremble over him, grunting and gripping onto him for dear life, trying to rain in a desire that stroked all Jinki’s erogenous spots like phantom hands. 

He felt Kibum’s tongue latching onto his nipple, like a starving baby latches onto his mother’s breast, ignorant to the pain that its voracious hunger can cause, and smiled a blissed smile, emitting a satisfied moan, while his whole body jerked in a deep arch to offer itself. 

Teeth sank into his skin, probably leaving a deep red mark, before Kibum’s lips traveled up his collarbone, to reach his neck, The boy bit him again, holding onto his skin like a wolf branding his mate. Jinki tilted his head to give Kibum’s all the space he wanted, his own mouth watering and his lips itching to do the same with the younger. Since he was in no position to do so at the moment, he settled for crying out, wrapping his lover’s hips with his legs to force him closer. 

Kibum’s cock slid between his tight balls and found its way between his crack, suddenly tumbling over the ridge of his twitching hole, smearing it with pre-come. 

They both gasped in surprise and Jinki shivered when Kibum’s ragged breath hit the spot where the boy had just bitten and sucked him, almost to the point of drawing blood. 

“Fuck me, ‘Bum,” he hissed, in a frustrated moan. 

Kibum didn’t seem to be able to stop thrusting his cock between Jinki’s ass cheeks, lost in the pleasure of the scratch of the elder’s balls against the root and the jerk of Jinki’s hole at the touch of the tip. 

“Fuck,” Kibum sweared. “I…” He swallowed hard, his eyes closed tight and his head thrown back in bliss when Jinki met his thrust with a roll of his hips. 

“Stop, damn you!” The younger grabbed his hips, seemingly to slow him, but the thrusts continued. Kibum couldn’t seem to restrain his own body from taking what it so desperately wanted. “N-need to prepare y- _fuck_! Need to be gentle… _nhh_!”

Kibum rested his forehead against Jinki’s and the blindfold suddenly loosened some and slipped down the elder’s nose, uncovering his bright eyes. Kibum was watching him, biting fiercely onto his own bottom lip and breathing noisily through his nose. Jinki stared, almost transfixed, at that picture of debauchery and youth. Kibum didn’t quite look like the imposing and commanding presence he had been up until that very moment every time they had gotten close and personal. He looked wrecked. On the very verge of coming. 

“L-lube,” stuttered Kibum, desperately, trying his hardest to slow down. 

Jinki bumped their noses together lovingly, feeling laughter bubble in his chest. Oh, sweet summer child. No. No lube yet. 

Kibum was looking at him wildly, his cheeks red as ripe apples and his hair stuck to his forehead. Jinki smiled. 

“I want you to coat my hole with your cum,” he whispered languidly in the younger’s ear, biting onto the lobe. 

Kibum moaned and shook his head. “N-need to be inside you.” 

“We have time,” Jinki whispered. “Come, baby.” 

“No,” grunted the younger, stubbornly, a stern and determined light flashing in his dark cat-like eyes. With herculean effort, the boy aborted all his movements at once, panting wildly with his head bent, sweat dripping from his chin. 

Jinki was panting too, mildly impressed and extremely surprised. 

Then Kibum grabbed him under his knees and pushed them to Jinki’s head. He pinned him in that position with an arm, towering over him, and suddenly struck his bottom, making Jinki’s head blanken for a blissful moment. When he regained his bearings, he saw Kibum looking back at him with determined eyes. The boy’s big hand collided with his ass cheeks a few more times in rapid succession, making his skin burn, and Jinki’s toes curled up. 

Before Jinki could come back from his sudden and short trance, Kibum bent over him, untied his hands, and hissed in his ear. “Who do you think you’re giving orders to?” 

Jinki smiled innocently, then, with a smooth movement, switched their positions as soon as his hands were free, throwing a surprised Kibum onto the mattress and trapping him with his strong thighs. The boy stared at him, an eyebrow raised. “And now?” 

“And now, sir, you’ll be so kind to grant me the honor of making you come.” Jinki reached for the nightstand, where he had previously stashed a bottle of lube. 

Kibum relaxed under him and put his hands under his head. “Is that so?” 

Jinki squeezed a fair amount of the cool gel in his hand and gripped Kibum’s erection with it, coating the boy’s hardness with the viscous liquid. “It is so,” he confirmed. 

Kibum grunted and gave a full-body shiver that made Jinki shiver too. He pumped a few times more than necessary, and Kibum writhed, oversensitive. 

“H-had other things in mind for you,” he grunted. 

Jinki, inebriated by the younger’s reactions, smiled. “Like bending me over and take me from behind?” He swiped his palm over the head and his thumb over the slit, over and over. 

“Fuck! You shit! I would have smacked your ass some more first!” hissed the boy, but didn’t make a move to retake the dominant position, seemingly enjoying their banter better. 

Jinki let the younger go and took the lube again, coating his fingers and reaching behind himself in search of his hole. “Maybe you can still smack my ass with your hips, uh?” 

Kibum’s stern expression cracked and he huffed a chuckle. “Very subtle, Jinki.”

Jinki slipped a finger inside himself without resistance and soon added another, under Kibum’s smoldering gaze. “W-who said anything about subtle?” He rested a hand over Kibum’s stomach to balance himself and started riding his fingers, stretching himself. “You know perfectly well that I want your cock deep into my ass and I’ve wanted it from the very first moment I laid my eyes on you.” 

Kibum licked his lips and his cock jerked between them, oozing pre-come. His eyes darkened. “Yeah,” his voice came out low, almost threatening, but he didn’t say anything else. There was nothing more to say. 

_It would be better if I used three fingers_ , Jinki thought. But he couldn’t wait anymore. This was it. He angled Kibum’s cock-head to his twitching opening and took a deep breath. 

Kibum grabbed him to a stop by the hips. “Condom?” he asked with a voice so raw it was barely recognizable, like it pained him to even mention it. 

Jinki shook his head. “I trust you.” 

They locked eyes. Whatever argument they were having, while gazing at each other, ended with a nod of Kibum’s head. “And I, you.” 

Before anything else could come up, Jinki descended, sucking Kibum’s gland in. He felt an intense burning in the tight muscles of his opening and his thighs, which were sustaining all his weight. It took some maneuvering, but then the head sipped in, engulfed by his heat, and Kibum gave a silent scream, head thrown back and mouth agape, showing Jinki the long column of his fair, vulnerable neck. Beautiful. 

Jinki closed his watery eyes and took Kibum to the root, the hot rod brushing his internal nerves and setting them alight.

“Oh,” he breathed, stupefied, and at the same time Kibum gave a deep, pained moan, immediately followed by an upward thrust that almost sent Jinki rolling down the bed. 

Kibum’s hands kept him in place and he heard a pained “sorry”, but the thrusts didn’t stop and Jinki couldn’t answer, his words and wits lost in between loud, unexpected moans. He thought he heard Kibum curse and tell him how incredible he felt, how tight and hot, but he couldn’t be sure. His ears were ringing and he couldn’t think. He mindlessly met Kibum’s thrust, while they panted in each other’s mouths, lost in pleasure. Wasn’t it supposed to hurt like a bitch? Jinki couldn’t tell. Maybe it burned, but he couldn’t be sure, he was burning all over. It felt like he was going to melt. 

Neither of them was going to last. It was too much. They had no control over their hunger. There was no power play in any of this, they couldn’t even talk. It was just blind lust. 

Kibum hit somewhere deep inside him and he cried out against the boy’s neck, scratching the boy’s shoulders with his nails in attempt to hold onto him. 

Before he could yell to keep going, to hit him right there, Kibum threw him on the mattress, switching their positions again, and Jinki whimpered at the loss of his dick buried deep inside him. But just a moment later it was back, hitting his prostate from a better angle. Over and over again, Jinki called his boyfriend's name like a mantra. 

When he couldn’t take it anymore, Jinki grabbed Kibum behind the neck and reached out with his teeth, sinking them where he could feel the younger’s wild pulse. 

Kibum cried out and his seed burst out of him in hot streams, filling Jinki from within. Jinki came immediately after, embracing his lover tightly, delighted by the feeling of Kibum’s cum dripping from his hole.  
  
  


_** Epilogue ** _

He felt a humid, sweet kiss on his forehead and hummed contentedly. He had snoozed off for a while it seemed, but now that he was awake he feel good. Satiated and aching in all the right places, though perhaps a bit dirty - his skin was sticky where his sweat and his seed had dried. 

He shifted towards Kibum’s heat, trying to nuzzle him, but stopped and opened his eyes when he felt something ooze from his asshole. “Oh.” 

Kibum was looking at him with mild amusement and such deep affection in his eyes, that Jinki felt his stomach clench. God, he loved him. 

“Hey, baby.” Kibum had said it in English, with a smile in his deep, hoarse voice. It made Jinki shiver all over, his cock twitch _again_. 

He cleared his throat. “Your…” he began, but he could still feel it, leaving his body. It was a strange feeling. It should have been disgusting, but he found it somewhat erotic. His opening clenched, and Jinki pressed himself against his lover’s chest to hide the renewed arousal building in his eyes. They had just finished, for God’s sake! He could still feel the burn between his ass cheeks. He couldn't possibly be ready to go at it again so soon.

Long fingers started stroking his head. “You okay?” 

Jinki felt the rumble of Kibum’s voice in the younger’s chest. He closed his eyes and kissed it softly. “Yeah. I just…” 

Kibum’s fingers moved lower, stroking his nape gently, and Jinki pressed his hips to the younger’s thigh, rolling his half-hard dick against it. He heard the boy gasp, then grip him tighter, meeting Jinki’s movements with his thigh to let him rut against it as much as he wanted. 

“I take it you liked it?” 

Jinki furrowed his brow, panting softly in concentration. It wasn’t easy to think when his dick was busy in such activities. “What do you think?”

Kibum hummed, trailing teasing fingers down his spine, making Jinki arch and moan. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be gentler,” whispered the boy, but Jinki shook his head, smearing pre-come on Kibum’s thigh. 

“I liked it better like t-this. F-felt… like,” Jinki swallowed. “Like it was your first time too.”

“It was my first time with you.” 

Jinki’s heart warmed. “Yeah.” 

Kibum embraced him tightly, moving his thigh to accommodate Jinki’s movements. It was an awkward position, but it felt good nonetheless. He couldn’t get enough. He had to be touch-starved, there was no other explanation. 

Kibum held him until he came again, then started kissing him all over. Slowly, wetly.

Later, when Jinki tried to reciprocate, Kibum gripped his wrist to stop him. “Miya called fifteen minutes ago,” he panted. 

“Uh?”

“We’re late.” 

Jinki stared at the boy, dumbfounded. 

“The party, remember?”

“Oh.” _Right. The party_. He grunted, unable to express his unwillingness to move in more than inarticulate sounds. 

Kibum sit up on the mattress and bent to give him a chaste kiss on the lips. “Up, soldier. I’ll help you with this-” he said, slipping his fingers around Jinki’s wet hole. The elder jumped. “-and you can help me with this-” He took Jinki’s hand and pressed it against his erection. “-in the shower, uh?”

\----

“So you got the flowers and you got the perfume. What about the kiss, uh?” Miya was looking pointedly at Jinki, who looked as red as tomato sauce and was trying to look as inconspicuous as possible. But there was no escaping Miya. No way. 

The woman soon started chanting “kiss, kiss, kiss”, inviting the rest of the little crowd of friends to join her. Minho was one of the first to do so, enjoying the view of his best friend’s mortified face. Kibum was trying it’s best not to meet his parents and grandma’s eyes, but his family didn’t seem to mind. They soon started chanting too, though Kibum’s father appeared slightly embarrassed. 

The only people who did not join were sitting right next to Minho. Silent like tombs. His gaze moved towards them. He felt rage simmering inside him. Who the hell had invited the asshole anyway? He had all intention to glare at Jonghyun until the guy decided that he had outstayed his welcome and leaved, but ended up wincing when he saw the expression on the guy’s face. 

Jonghyun wasn’t crying. Not yet, anyway. But the look on his face was of such anguish that Minho felt his own heart break. 

He didn’t need to see Kibum and Jinki kiss to know when they did it. Sure, the cheering was a loud giveaway. But the silent scream in Jonghyun’s eyes was even louder. 

Without thinking, he rested a hand on the guy’s shoulder. Jonghyun jumped, startled, and look up at him in surprise. 

Minho said nothing, and turned away from him. He saw Miya and Kibum getting everything ready for some drunken karaoke and Jinki walk towards them. 

“Come,” he said, without looking at Jonghyun. “You can beat me at karaoke. I suck at it.” 

He heard a soft “yeah” and before he knew it, he was leading Jonghyun by the hand to the big television screen, leaving Sunyoung to Jinki. 

\----

“Hey.” 

“Hey.” 

Silence fell between them. Jinki saw Kibum look in their direction, with some concern in his expression, and he smiled at the younger in reassurance. 

“He makes you so happy, doesn’t he?” asked Sunyoung, looking at their exchange. 

Jinki took a deep breath. “Yeah, he does.” 

“I… talked to him.” 

“I know.”

Soyoung clutched the bag that she kept on her lap and bit onto her bottom lip. “I can’t lie. I’m very jealous, right now. Chances are that I will be for a while, but... “ She raised her head to look at him and her eyes watered. “Will you wait? Until I’m over it and we can be friends again? All three of us?” 

“Do you still think he took advantage of me?”

She dropped her head. “No.”

Jinki nodded. “Then you know where to find me.” 

She stood up with watery eyes and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Whispering a fleeting “thank you”, she left. 

\----

It was way past midnight when the last survivors of the party finally stopped flapping around like chickens and losing their voices over girl groups’ songs. 

Kibum was laughing his ridiculous laugh, half resting against a chair, sat on the floor, sweaty and red in the face, so drunk he could see three Jinkis, moaning in pain and laughing where he had fallen, after tripping in one of the cables of the microphones. 

Jonghyun was still singing in a terrible falsetto, half asleep on a bench, without even looking at the television screen. Once in awhile, Minho, laying on his stomach next to him, would come back from the dead to slap him on the arm and tell him to shut up.

Taemin was the only sober one, since he was the only remaining minor of the bunch. He shook his head, baffled by the condition on his hyungs. 

He walked towards his Dumbo backpack, that he had left earlier in corner of the room. He unzipped it and took out a candy, leaving it soon after on Minho’s back. “Kibum-hyung told me SM scouted you. You should sign the contract.” 

The elder opened one confused eye and reached the offending object with a hand. He opened his mouth to ask what the candy was about, but Taemin had already moved to Jonghyun. 

The kid took another candy from his backpack, unwrapped it, and put it into his hyung’s open mouth. Jonghyun almost choked on it. “Sometimes you sound like a dolphin, but I think you have a great voice, Jonghyun-hyung.”

Then, he squatted right next to Jinki, who was crying, or maybe laughing on the floor, it wasn’t clear, and gracefully offered a third candy. “You are downright ancient, Jinki-hyung, but you don’t sound like a dolphin like Jonghyun-hyung does.” Jinki couldn’t have looked more dumbfounded, but took the candy nonetheless.

“Thank you, I guess?”

Taemin ignored the elder’s answer and walked to Kibum, who was waiting for him. The kid gave his friend two candies and sat next to him. Kibum unwrapped one and offered it back, placing it upon Taemin’s lips. 

Taemin took the sweet in his mouth and started happily sucking on it. When he saw that everyone was busy doing the same, he moved his candy to the side of his mouth and smiled. 

“We should all audition together.” 

_The End._


End file.
